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HeadGarbage's Mission Statement

This site exists for one sole reason. Some may say it's a waste of time and/or a poor attempt at stupid humor. That's fine. But way too many people are so miserable and I refuse to be one of them. These are things that I think about and I think are funny. These are things that make me laugh. I hope some of it makes you laugh too. Life is way too short to walk around being pissed off all the time. If you can’t laugh at some of the stupid and ridiculous stuff that exists in this world, what’s the point?! I hope the content of this site, which stems from the ridiculousness of the world we're in, can help in some small way to help take the edge off an otherwise stressful life. As a wise man once said,"We're not here for a long time, we're here for a good time!" I think that was Gandhi? Live, LAUGH, Love...And enjoy your daily dose of HeadGarbage. Come back often and tell your friends so that HG can grow big and strong!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Clean That Up!

Sometimes on the weekends I like to get in my car, drive to really affluent towns, and just liter.
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Mostly Ones

If you're desperate for money and looking for a quick score, I wouldn't recommend robbing an Olive Garden on Thanksgiving. They just don't carry that much cash.
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Monday, October 24, 2011

Umm...honey. What's this?

If I were married and my wife made this purchase, I'd be slightly concerned.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

That's a Crappy Situation

If you've never been in a fender bender with a septic truck, take my word for it.  It's pretty shitty.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

More Money Than God?

I've never really understood the saying "more money than God" as in, "That guy makes like $20 million a year.  He has more money than God!".  I guess I never really thought about it before, but I seriously doubt that God actually used currency.

Oh, That Was No Accident!

If you smash into a car intentionally, is it referred to as a “Car On-Purpose”?

Saturday, July 30, 2011


The fact that this sign is necessary makes me embarrassed to be a part of the human race.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

What a Disappointment!

If you're trying to kill yourself by jumping out in front of a vehicle, a Wendy's drive-thru is a bad location choice.  All you stand to gain is a slight leg bruise and some confused looks.  The cars just aren’t moving fast enough.

Get a Job Cat!

*This is NOT OK!

Why is “The Cat’s Pajamas” good?  That’s the weirdest saying I’ve ever heard of.  First of all, if I saw a cat wearing pajamas I’d kick it.  Cats are lazy enough as it is, not to mention sneaky as shit.  Why are we encouraging cats to be even less active by saying that their pajamas are synonymous with “good”.  I’m against it.  Not only that, but I won’t stand for it.  I’m taking a hard stand against this stupid saying.  Get a job cat!  Stop being a leach on society and expecting us to continue to praise you and your bedtime clothing! 

Monday, May 16, 2011

That's Gonna Cost You!

It’s expensive to get a bicep tattoo.  Not because tattoos are expensive, because wife beaters are expensive.  

Mmm, Let's Get These Darling!

If you’d like to create a humorous (and by humorous, I mean awkward) situation in a grocery store, identify someone in the store of the opposite sex who is close to your age.  Once you’ve found your target, wait until they’ve stopped in an aisle and are browsing a particular food item.  Then, when the time is right (you’ll know), walk up next to them, pick up a product off the shelf, turn to them and say, “These look good honey, and they’re low fat!” and put it in their cart.”

Monday, April 11, 2011

I Guess I Don't Have It So Bad...

I recently had a bad day at work and thought, “I have the worst job in the world!”.  Then I read an article that featured a study that said that 52% of people who eat asparagus have smelly pee.  At that point I realized that my job isn’t that bad.  Because somebody had to sniff all that pee to get that data.

I Wouldn't Recommend It

A "Watch Children" sign is bad advice for sex offenders.

NOT Good Morning!

I want to invent an alarm clock that goes off normally for the time you set it.  But each time the alarm goes off after you hit snooze, it sprays an increasingly potent synthetic fart smell until you wake up.

It's Kind of the Same

Falling is like laying down.  Only more painful and in a completely unexpected location.

Monday, January 31, 2011

It's Just Not Worth It

I was at a party and I really wanted a second piece of cake.  There was only one piece left, but it was already spoken for.  I was thinking about taking it anyway, but I didn't want to tempt fate.  There are just some people you don't mess with!

Just Be Yourself, Tom!

I was talking to a friend recently and he said to me, "I wish I was rich".  I thought to myself, "Yeah, I guess that would be cool".  It was just hard for me to picture my friend as Rich though.  I mean, I'd known him my whole life.  I've always known him as Tom, so the thought of him being 'Rich' was hard to imagine.  But I didn't want to make him feel stupid so I was like, "Yeah, I wish I was Brad".

It's Actually Pretty Big...

I wonder if people who use the saying "It's a small world" think that globes are "actual size"?

Is This Really FIRST Prize?!

There's a rather dated term that is still used today which refers to the individual who makes money in a household as the "BREAD WINNER".  I don't know much about history or the evolution of contests.  But if I was in a contest and won a loaf of bread, I would be so pissed!

How Do I Get In Touch With You?

Is it really necessary to put  your email address in the signature of your email?

Submitted by: 
Dave Moore (Regional Marketing Director: Rochester, NY)

Monday, January 10, 2011

I'm Not Hungry Anymore

If you’re looking to shed a few pounds, trying eating every meal at home, naked, in front of a full length mirror for a week or so.  It’s a pretty effective method of appetite suppression.

Free Office Supplies!

I was walking to the store to buy a paperweight, but then I saw this pretty heavy rock on the side of the road…So that saved me a few bucks.

May I Be Excused?

*I would advise against this.

If you have a big important afternoon meeting, chili and coffee is a poor lunch choice.

I Can't Just Throw Them Out!

I got a few presents for my birthday so I went out to buy some “Thank you” cards.  When I got to the store, I realized that they only came in packs of 25.  So now I’m just waiting for a bunch of people to do something really nice so I can clean out my desk drawer.

It's Just Fun to Say...

If I was a weatherman, I’d want to work in Wisconsin.  Because it’s really fun to say Sheboygan.  

Clock's Ticking!

"Hmm, I wonder if he's shitting?"

If you’re out to dinner on a first date and you have to take a shit, it could be embarrassing.  But if you can shit in “pissing time” you may be able to get away with your date not thinking that you’re a disgusting shitter!  “Pissing time” is typically 1-3 minutes, including the time it takes you to wash your hands.  If you can pull off a shit in that timeframe, you might be able to get away with your date thinking you just took a piss.  If not, you may have to lie and tell her that you had to make a phone call or give an old man mouth to mouth.  Both options are less embarrassing than admitting to shitting.

Now THAT's a cool place!

I bought some parmesan cheese and the label said, “store in a cool place”, so I mailed it to Jon Bon Jovi’s house.  I didn't want it to go bad.

Monday, January 3, 2011

How Long Have You Been Growing That?

If a girl you don't know is being a bitch to you, but you don't want to be an outright asshole, just passive aggressively insult her by saying something like,

“Pardon me. I don’t want to make you blush, but that is a very handsome mustache you have!”

You'll Be a Hit!!

I was at a party and a friend of mine brought baked brie.  I love cheese so I had some.  Then he told me that, “If you bring baked brie to a party, you’ll be a huge hit!”  I told him that we weren’t friends anymore.


*These are cute.  Now get out there and win this game!

If I was the NFL commissioner, I would create 4 point and 5 point field goal options to make close games more interesting.  For the 4 point option, the holder would have to wear a blindfold.  For the 5 point try, not only would the holder wear a blindfold, but the kicker would have to wear high heels.