Not For Me It’s Not

Sometimes people are wreckless with commonly used terms.  I was visiting a city I'd never been to and I found myself wanting a soda, so I Googled "convenient store".  I took the first address I got and put it in my GPS.  It took me 2 1/2 hours to get there...

LIAR!!!

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes when I'm having a conversation with someone and they say, "You know what I mean?", I say, "Yes".  But I don't really know what they mean.

Perhaps You Don't Understand...I Don't Eat ANY Animals!

I wonder if really hard core vegetarians refuse to eat animal crackers?

Beware of "Spread"

The word "spread" should be a red flag in the grocery store.  I don't want to sound stuck up, but if you're mistakenly buying something that you think is something else and it is in fact "spread", you may be setting yourself up for some unpleasant stomach issues.  A good indication, in addition to the fact that the word "spread" should be clearly visible on the label, is that the label will also boast about the fact that the product really tastes like what it is mimicking.  For example.  Peanut spread is a substitute for peanut butter.  It may have something on the label like, "With Real Peanut Taste!"  Butter products are another popular one.  I'm not saying that one is better than the other.  To each his own, and if you enjoy processed "spread" as a substitute for the real thing, more power to you.  But a little piece of advice.  When you're at the store picking up your "spread", you may want to make a quick detour on your way to the register and visit the paper products aisle...

He's Just Ruining Everyone's Good Time!

*What a dick!

We’re constantly, although often subtly, reminded of the power of small things.  That’s deep.  If you really think about it, though, it’s so true.  Here’s a perfect example.  I LOVE HAMBURGERS, but I HATE HAMBURGLARS!!  The difference?  Just two little letters.

Is this cute or?...Wait, what did I just say?

I was in a store recently and an old woman was looking at baby clothes, I'm assuming for her great-great-great grandchild.  The woman turned to her equally ancient friend and, holding up the garment, said, "Is this cute or is this cute?!"  At that moment I felt so bad for her.  She was so afflicted with a terrible disease that she didn’t even realize that she had asked her friend the same question just seconds after she had originally asked it.  It wasn't until then that I realized that she clearly suffered from severe Alzheimer’s.

WHAT is your hurry?!

I was driving on the highway and a hearse passed me going like 85 miles per hour.  I don’t know why he was in such a hurry.  I guess he wasn’t given much information as to the condition of his passenger.

The "Extra" Isn't Helping

If you make a product that tastes like shit, and you put on the label, "Now 50% more FREE!", that doesn't help.  Come to think of it, it kind of makes it worse. 

A Lot of Pressure for a Little Piece of Plastic!

If it wasn't for my contact lenses, my auto insurance premiums would be through the roof!

For External Eyeballs Only!

I bought some eye drops.  When I got home I looked at the box and there was a warning that read: 

For external use only.

I found this really frustrating.  I was like, "Damn.  I got the wrong kind!"  Because my eyeballs are inside my head.

That's Confusing

I find it ironic that the word "Giants" consists of the word "ants". 

I'm Sad (Not for the reason you think)

You always hear single people saying that they're sad on Valentine's Day.  Screw Valentine's Day.  Being single on Christmas makes me sad.  Because I really, really like opening presents. 

Can I Get a Gift Receipt?

I like to go Christmas shopping in May. Not in order to get it out of the way. I just like to see the look on the person’s face at the register when I check out and say, “Ughh, Christmas shopping is so stressful isn’t it?!”

That's Not My Name

I run into people pretty often who I've only met once or twice.  It makes me think that maybe I should just go ahead and legally change my name to "Buddy" or "Man".

It That So Much To Ask?

I wouldn't mind folding laundry so much if all my clothes were square.

I'd Just Like Some Information

When I die, I don't care about eternal happiness, or seeing my loved ones in heaven.  I just want to find out where I put all the shit that I've lost in my life.  The curiosity is killing me...no pun intended.

Resist Helping

If somebody asks you how to spell the word "Ransom", don't tell them.  You could be an accomplice and not even know it.

This Report is Vital to the Merger!

If you want to confuse someone you work with , go into their office and ask , “Hey Bill , how do you spell leprechaun?”  When the person gives you a weird look just say , “Nevermind , I’ll just Google it.  I have to have this report to corporate by five.” Then walk away.

They Have Coffee

"Hmmm, let me see what they have."

I was sitting in a Starbucks and two guys walk in.  One guy says to the other, "Do you want something?" to which the second guy replies, "Umm, let me see what they have".  They have fucking coffee, dude.

Why Are You Sending Me This Way, Little Robotic Lady On My Dashboard?!?!

I have a sneaking suspicion that my GPS and American oil companies are in cahoots.

Am I Missing Something?

I was in a store that sold home goods and appliances.  There was an entire section of an aisle that sold nothing but gravy boats.  I guess I wasn’t aware of how much people enjoyed turkey.

There's Nothing Funny About Electronics Theft!

I don’t hold the door for people I don’t know who are coming into my apartment building, because I don’t want to be responsible for someone getting murdered.  Or God forbid someone’s TV got stolen!

This Is Second Nature

I downloaded Tetris on my phone and when I went to play it, it asked me, “Would you like a tutorial?”  I grew up in the 80’s!  Asking someone who grew up in the 80’s if they want a tutorial on how to play Tetris is like asking a porn star if they want a tutorial on how to get a boner.  Thanks for the offer but I’m all set dude.  I know how to do it.

No Comment

The humor in this picture shouldn't need an explanation.

This Seems Condescending

I'm insulted by your underestimation of my intelligence!

Fore!

*I don't know what this guy is so happy about.  He's about to be covered in bird shit!

I enjoy simplicity and routine.  If I was a bird I'd have a very simple and structured life.  I would spend a few hours each night sleeping.  The remainder of the evening I would eat as much as I could.  Then all day I would spend flying around country clubs shitting on people in convertibles.

Showering. What a Pain!

*What a waste of time, right?!

I was in a gym locker room and overheard a big fat guy say to a stranger who was changing right next to him,

"Ugghhh.  You know how sometimes you just don't feel like taking a shower?"

I wisely stayed out of the conversation.  The guy just kind of shrugged his shoulders and chuckled, trying to minimize the awkwardness I'm sure he felt.  But I know what he was thinking. 

"Thanks for sharing and making me really uncomfortable, 'fat naked stranger'"

These Are Traps

*This is just a red flag

There are some items that are probably better off not being bought together at a store in order to avoid untrue assumptions by nosey checkout people.  Beans and toilet should probably be avoided.  So should porn, condoms and cucumbers.  One to definitely stay away from, in order to keep from being investigated by the police is knives, murder mystery novels, and ski masks. 

Hey Look What I Have Everyone...it's NOT a Dildo.

I was in the gym locker room and accidentally hit the "on" button on my electric razor that was located inside my gym bag.  It took me about 20 seconds to locate it and shut it off.  Not long, but long enough for people to notice.  Once I got it shut off, I made sure I prominantly displayed it, without being too obvious, so that everyone saw that it in fact was an electric razor.  I just wanted to make sure no one thought I carried a dildo around with me.

That Sign Should Be More Clear!

I was walking down the street and came to a crosswalk where the sign said "Don't Walk".  I ran as fast as I could across the street and got hit by two cars. 





Brainpokers?

Q-Tips make me nervous.  Don't get me wrong, I like clean ears.  I'm just afraid I'm going to poke my brain.

This is a Knitting Emergency!!!

I like to go into a really laid back store and be unnecessarily intense for no reason.  I went into an arts and crafts store around 11am on a Tuesday when all the old ladies were shopping.  I opened the door really fast, ran over to the counter and demanded, "Where the fuck is the yarn?!!!!"

I Should Only Need One

I was looking for a heavy duty case for my cell phone because I’m a badass and I throw my phone a lot.  I found a case called “Armadillo Armor”.  That sounds pretty tough.  Both armadillos and armor are pretty rugged.  However, for some reason they only sell the cases in packs of two.  That doesn’t say much for the quality of that product.

We Have Italian Names...That Way We Can Charge More!

*Oh no! I hope that building doesn't fall on a Starbucks!

I really wanted a large coffee so I stopped at Starbucks.  Apparently they don't have large coffees so I went across the street to a gas station.

Just Trying to Save a Few Bucks

Work clothes are expensive.  I’m going to look into doing porn.

Setting The Stage For Success

I like to set myself up for success.  But I'm not always that productive.  So I like to make a "To Do" list for the next day every night before I go to bed .  First thing on every day's list?  Wake up.

Game, Set, Match.

I called this girl I was seeing a psycho and she was like,

“I’m never talking to you again!”

and I was like,

“Mission accomplished.”

Almost Scared= Crazy

Getting "Almost Scared" makes you look crazy.  Like when you're momentarily frightened and then you realize that everything's actually OK.

You:  "Holy shit!!!" What the ...oh, ok, nevermind..."
Witness:  "What was that all about?"
You:  "Nevermind, I almost got scared."
Witness:  "Whatever you say, psycho."

Pants. The Key to a Good Day.

I was packing a few things that I needed to bring to work in a small bag, and while I was rushing around, I accidentally put my pants in the bag with the other items.  As I was about to walk out the door I thought, “Woops, I should probably wear my pants!”  Looking back on it, it was a really good decision.

I Just Love Cats...Is That a Problem?

I like to go out with a girl a couple times, and then on about the third date I like to invite her over to my apartment.  But right before that third date, I take all my pictures and decorations down, put moth balls under my couch cushions and put up creepy pictures and calendars of cats all over the place.  That way, when I invite her in, the place looks like it belongs to a crazy old cat lady.  Hopefully at this point, in an attempt to lessen the awkwardness, she says something like, “Do you live with your grandmother?” to which I simply reply, “No.  Why?”

Accept My Apology, Or Else!

I was walking down the street the other day and I bumped into this lady by accident.  I quickly apologized and she proceeded to give me a dirty look.  This made me angry because I felt like my apology was pretty sincere, and she didn’t accept it.  Let me tell you something about me, I’ll apologize for something once.  If you don’t accept my apology, “it’s on!”  So I punched her in the face.  If you’re not going to accept my apology, that’s fine.  But I’m going to get my money’s worth!

Snacks

I was in the grocery store and one of the aisles was labeled “snacks”.  That’s it, just “snacks”.  That’s a pretty broad category.  Clearly the person who makes the purchasing decisions in that store doesn’t enjoy snacks nearly as much as I do.

Run For Your Life!!!

I bet life isn’t easy for a racist white garbage man with Tourette’s syndrome who lives in Harlem.

Woops

I walked up behind this really cute girl in the grocery store, and right as I was about to say something to her, I was like, “woops, that’s a dude”.

A Lazy Costume

If you want to be something super creepy for Halloween, not scary but creepy, but you don’t feel like dressing up, go to a party with no costume and stand outside the bathroom with a single roll of toilet paper.  When someone asks you what you are, in a totally monotone, and creepy voice say, “I’m here just in case”.

Equality!

I think it’s unfair that women are allowed to get away with things that guys aren’t.  Like, it’s acceptable when they say it but totally inappropriate if a guy does.  I thought we were trying to move toward equality?!  So I like to go up to girls at the bar and say, “Is that a bagel in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Eat Up You High Roller You!

You know you’re a high roller when you buy food and the only words on the package are the name of what’s inside.

“Mmm, these are really good 'Pretzel' brand pretzels, but they’re making my mouth dry. Will you pass the 'Cola' brand cola?”

A Correlation of Creepiness

If you’re over 16 years old and you have a water bed, you probably also own a van with no windows. 

Well...At Least I Got Unlimited Breadsticks

I think the weirdest way to die would be to be killed in a drive-by outside of a suburban Olive Garden.

That's Not Helping Me!

It's annoying when you ask someone a question, and they answer you with information that is completely irrelevant.  I was at a basketball game, and I asked the girl I was with if she had any gum.  She was like, “I have some at home”.  And I was like, “So…  No?”