Here's a Story To Tell...You're Welcome!

If you’re a guy and you want to give another guy a story to tell their friends and families at parties and other social events for the rest of their lives, do this. Get on a major highway and stop at a rest stop. Go into a stall, sit down and wait. Keep in mind this must be done during the summertime. Before too long, another dude will come and sit in the stall right next to you. (Don’t choose an end stall, this cuts your chances of neighborhood in half.) When the gentleman sits, there is a 50% chance he will be wearing flip flops, sandals, or some form of open-toed footwear. Now’s your chance to make a lasting impression on his life. Lick your fingers and gently rub his toes. For added creepy effect, in your most seductive voice whisper loud enough for him to hear, “Nice”.  You'll want to make sure your stall door is locked.  There's a pretty good chance that the guy will try to kick your ass...

Want To See My Studio?

I was at a party recently and saw this really hot girl. We started chatting and I mentioned that I lived nearby in a studio apartment. She was like, “Oh my God, a studio?! Are you like, a musician or something?” I responded, “You’re not all that intelligent. I like you. Yes, I’m a musician, let’s get out of here.”

Delivery!

Male porn stars are really just like boner delivery men. For the most part, they walk into a room and are like, “did anyone order a boner? Oh you did? Well here it is!”

I Respect Your Work...Now Take Off Your Pants

I have a lot of respect for actors in the pornography industry because they don’t seem to have egos like traditional actors. I mean, Tom Cruise is a legitimate movie star, but every actor who plays a role in a movie isn’t considered a “star”. In the traditional movie business, there are tiers of stardom, "Lists", "A-List" "B-List" and so on; a hierarchy if you will.  But in adult film, they’re all pornSTARS, all equals, all just there to F the S out of each other. Now how can you possibly have an ego when you’re getting F’d in the A all day?

Why Does This Still Taste Like This?

People have walked on the moon.  Some people don't think that's true.  But let's face it.  Even if no one has ever walked on the moon, someone somewhere is smart enough to have been able to trick the majority of the world's population that someone has.  The MOON! That’s really far away. My brain can’t even fathom the level of intelligence one must have in order to figure out how to build a ship that can shoot up into the sky and drop a dude off on the moon. So that means that there are infinitely smart people on our earth. So with all that intelligence, you’re telling me we can’t figure out a way to make broccoli taste like a cheeseburger?  Really?!  Come on!