It That So Much To Ask?

I wouldn't mind folding laundry so much if all my clothes were square.

I'd Just Like Some Information

When I die, I don't care about eternal happiness, or seeing my loved ones in heaven.  I just want to find out where I put all the shit that I've lost in my life.  The curiosity is killing me...no pun intended.

Resist Helping

If somebody asks you how to spell the word "Ransom", don't tell them.  You could be an accomplice and not even know it.

This Report is Vital to the Merger!

If you want to confuse someone you work with , go into their office and ask , “Hey Bill , how do you spell leprechaun?”  When the person gives you a weird look just say , “Nevermind , I’ll just Google it.  I have to have this report to corporate by five.” Then walk away.

They Have Coffee

"Hmmm, let me see what they have."

I was sitting in a Starbucks and two guys walk in.  One guy says to the other, "Do you want something?" to which the second guy replies, "Umm, let me see what they have".  They have fucking coffee, dude.

Why Are You Sending Me This Way, Little Robotic Lady On My Dashboard?!?!

I have a sneaking suspicion that my GPS and American oil companies are in cahoots.

Am I Missing Something?

I was in a store that sold home goods and appliances.  There was an entire section of an aisle that sold nothing but gravy boats.  I guess I wasn’t aware of how much people enjoyed turkey.

There's Nothing Funny About Electronics Theft!

I don’t hold the door for people I don’t know who are coming into my apartment building, because I don’t want to be responsible for someone getting murdered.  Or God forbid someone’s TV got stolen!

This Is Second Nature

I downloaded Tetris on my phone and when I went to play it, it asked me, “Would you like a tutorial?”  I grew up in the 80’s!  Asking someone who grew up in the 80’s if they want a tutorial on how to play Tetris is like asking a porn star if they want a tutorial on how to get a boner.  Thanks for the offer but I’m all set dude.  I know how to do it.

No Comment

The humor in this picture shouldn't need an explanation.

This Seems Condescending

I'm insulted by your underestimation of my intelligence!

Fore!

*I don't know what this guy is so happy about.  He's about to be covered in bird shit!

I enjoy simplicity and routine.  If I was a bird I'd have a very simple and structured life.  I would spend a few hours each night sleeping.  The remainder of the evening I would eat as much as I could.  Then all day I would spend flying around country clubs shitting on people in convertibles.

Showering. What a Pain!

*What a waste of time, right?!

I was in a gym locker room and overheard a big fat guy say to a stranger who was changing right next to him,

"Ugghhh.  You know how sometimes you just don't feel like taking a shower?"

I wisely stayed out of the conversation.  The guy just kind of shrugged his shoulders and chuckled, trying to minimize the awkwardness I'm sure he felt.  But I know what he was thinking. 

"Thanks for sharing and making me really uncomfortable, 'fat naked stranger'"

These Are Traps

*This is just a red flag

There are some items that are probably better off not being bought together at a store in order to avoid untrue assumptions by nosey checkout people.  Beans and toilet should probably be avoided.  So should porn, condoms and cucumbers.  One to definitely stay away from, in order to keep from being investigated by the police is knives, murder mystery novels, and ski masks. 

Hey Look What I Have Everyone...it's NOT a Dildo.

I was in the gym locker room and accidentally hit the "on" button on my electric razor that was located inside my gym bag.  It took me about 20 seconds to locate it and shut it off.  Not long, but long enough for people to notice.  Once I got it shut off, I made sure I prominantly displayed it, without being too obvious, so that everyone saw that it in fact was an electric razor.  I just wanted to make sure no one thought I carried a dildo around with me.

That Sign Should Be More Clear!

I was walking down the street and came to a crosswalk where the sign said "Don't Walk".  I ran as fast as I could across the street and got hit by two cars. 





Brainpokers?

Q-Tips make me nervous.  Don't get me wrong, I like clean ears.  I'm just afraid I'm going to poke my brain.

This is a Knitting Emergency!!!

I like to go into a really laid back store and be unnecessarily intense for no reason.  I went into an arts and crafts store around 11am on a Tuesday when all the old ladies were shopping.  I opened the door really fast, ran over to the counter and demanded, "Where the fuck is the yarn?!!!!"

I Should Only Need One

I was looking for a heavy duty case for my cell phone because I’m a badass and I throw my phone a lot.  I found a case called “Armadillo Armor”.  That sounds pretty tough.  Both armadillos and armor are pretty rugged.  However, for some reason they only sell the cases in packs of two.  That doesn’t say much for the quality of that product.

We Have Italian Names...That Way We Can Charge More!

*Oh no! I hope that building doesn't fall on a Starbucks!

I really wanted a large coffee so I stopped at Starbucks.  Apparently they don't have large coffees so I went across the street to a gas station.

Just Trying to Save a Few Bucks

Work clothes are expensive.  I’m going to look into doing porn.

Setting The Stage For Success

I like to set myself up for success.  But I'm not always that productive.  So I like to make a "To Do" list for the next day every night before I go to bed .  First thing on every day's list?  Wake up.

Game, Set, Match.

I called this girl I was seeing a psycho and she was like,

“I’m never talking to you again!”

and I was like,

“Mission accomplished.”

Almost Scared= Crazy

Getting "Almost Scared" makes you look crazy.  Like when you're momentarily frightened and then you realize that everything's actually OK.

You:  "Holy shit!!!" What the ...oh, ok, nevermind..."
Witness:  "What was that all about?"
You:  "Nevermind, I almost got scared."
Witness:  "Whatever you say, psycho."

Pants. The Key to a Good Day.

I was packing a few things that I needed to bring to work in a small bag, and while I was rushing around, I accidentally put my pants in the bag with the other items.  As I was about to walk out the door I thought, “Woops, I should probably wear my pants!”  Looking back on it, it was a really good decision.

I Just Love Cats...Is That a Problem?

I like to go out with a girl a couple times, and then on about the third date I like to invite her over to my apartment.  But right before that third date, I take all my pictures and decorations down, put moth balls under my couch cushions and put up creepy pictures and calendars of cats all over the place.  That way, when I invite her in, the place looks like it belongs to a crazy old cat lady.  Hopefully at this point, in an attempt to lessen the awkwardness, she says something like, “Do you live with your grandmother?” to which I simply reply, “No.  Why?”

Accept My Apology, Or Else!

I was walking down the street the other day and I bumped into this lady by accident.  I quickly apologized and she proceeded to give me a dirty look.  This made me angry because I felt like my apology was pretty sincere, and she didn’t accept it.  Let me tell you something about me, I’ll apologize for something once.  If you don’t accept my apology, “it’s on!”  So I punched her in the face.  If you’re not going to accept my apology, that’s fine.  But I’m going to get my money’s worth!

Snacks

I was in the grocery store and one of the aisles was labeled “snacks”.  That’s it, just “snacks”.  That’s a pretty broad category.  Clearly the person who makes the purchasing decisions in that store doesn’t enjoy snacks nearly as much as I do.