Not For Me It’s Not

Sometimes people are wreckless with commonly used terms.  I was visiting a city I'd never been to and I found myself wanting a soda, so I Googled "convenient store".  I took the first address I got and put it in my GPS.  It took me 2 1/2 hours to get there...

LIAR!!!

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes when I'm having a conversation with someone and they say, "You know what I mean?", I say, "Yes".  But I don't really know what they mean.

Perhaps You Don't Understand...I Don't Eat ANY Animals!

I wonder if really hard core vegetarians refuse to eat animal crackers?

Beware of "Spread"

The word "spread" should be a red flag in the grocery store.  I don't want to sound stuck up, but if you're mistakenly buying something that you think is something else and it is in fact "spread", you may be setting yourself up for some unpleasant stomach issues.  A good indication, in addition to the fact that the word "spread" should be clearly visible on the label, is that the label will also boast about the fact that the product really tastes like what it is mimicking.  For example.  Peanut spread is a substitute for peanut butter.  It may have something on the label like, "With Real Peanut Taste!"  Butter products are another popular one.  I'm not saying that one is better than the other.  To each his own, and if you enjoy processed "spread" as a substitute for the real thing, more power to you.  But a little piece of advice.  When you're at the store picking up your "spread", you may want to make a quick detour on your way to the register and visit the paper products aisle...

He's Just Ruining Everyone's Good Time!

*What a dick!

We’re constantly, although often subtly, reminded of the power of small things.  That’s deep.  If you really think about it, though, it’s so true.  Here’s a perfect example.  I LOVE HAMBURGERS, but I HATE HAMBURGLARS!!  The difference?  Just two little letters.

Is this cute or?...Wait, what did I just say?

I was in a store recently and an old woman was looking at baby clothes, I'm assuming for her great-great-great grandchild.  The woman turned to her equally ancient friend and, holding up the garment, said, "Is this cute or is this cute?!"  At that moment I felt so bad for her.  She was so afflicted with a terrible disease that she didn’t even realize that she had asked her friend the same question just seconds after she had originally asked it.  It wasn't until then that I realized that she clearly suffered from severe Alzheimer’s.

WHAT is your hurry?!

I was driving on the highway and a hearse passed me going like 85 miles per hour.  I don’t know why he was in such a hurry.  I guess he wasn’t given much information as to the condition of his passenger.

The "Extra" Isn't Helping

If you make a product that tastes like shit, and you put on the label, "Now 50% more FREE!", that doesn't help.  Come to think of it, it kind of makes it worse. 

A Lot of Pressure for a Little Piece of Plastic!

If it wasn't for my contact lenses, my auto insurance premiums would be through the roof!

For External Eyeballs Only!

I bought some eye drops.  When I got home I looked at the box and there was a warning that read: 

For external use only.

I found this really frustrating.  I was like, "Damn.  I got the wrong kind!"  Because my eyeballs are inside my head.

That's Confusing

I find it ironic that the word "Giants" consists of the word "ants". 

I'm Sad (Not for the reason you think)

You always hear single people saying that they're sad on Valentine's Day.  Screw Valentine's Day.  Being single on Christmas makes me sad.  Because I really, really like opening presents. 

Can I Get a Gift Receipt?

I like to go Christmas shopping in May. Not in order to get it out of the way. I just like to see the look on the person’s face at the register when I check out and say, “Ughh, Christmas shopping is so stressful isn’t it?!”

That's Not My Name

I run into people pretty often who I've only met once or twice.  It makes me think that maybe I should just go ahead and legally change my name to "Buddy" or "Man".