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HeadGarbage's Mission Statement

This site exists for one sole reason. Some may say it's a waste of time and/or a poor attempt at stupid humor. That's fine. But way too many people are so miserable and I refuse to be one of them. These are things that I think about and I think are funny. These are things that make me laugh. I hope some of it makes you laugh too. Life is way too short to walk around being pissed off all the time. If you can’t laugh at some of the stupid and ridiculous stuff that exists in this world, what’s the point?! I hope the content of this site, which stems from the ridiculousness of the world we're in, can help in some small way to help take the edge off an otherwise stressful life. As a wise man once said,"We're not here for a long time, we're here for a good time!" I think that was Gandhi? Live, LAUGH, Love...And enjoy your daily dose of HeadGarbage. Come back often and tell your friends so that HG can grow big and strong!

Friday, April 30, 2010

You Don't Even Know What You Like!

I'm a little bit insulted by the displays of sale items when you walk in to the grocery store.  It's like the store manager is saying, "Hey, you're not very smart, just go ahead and buy some of these".  Who does that guy think he is telling me what to buy?  But I got him back because I farted in the frozen food section.

"I Kind of Like You Bill"

I was in the grocery store today and this lady walked up to the bakery counter, picked up a premade cake from the cooler, put it on the counter and said to the woman working in the bakery, "Can you just write 'Happy Birthday Bill' on this really quick?".  And I thought, "Wow, that lady must not really care all that much for Bill".  Why not just level with Bill and put on it something like, "Some of Us Think You're OK, Bill".

So Smart

I recently watched a History Channel documentary on the KKK.  Boy they sure do hate minorities a lot!  They basically hate anyone who isn't like them.  They hate so much that they spend all day long just hating.  But the day is long.  Twenty-four hours to be exact.  I'm not one to tell other people how to live their lives.  God knows I'm not perfect.  All I'm saying is, in a 24 hour day, maybe these guys should spend a few hours here and there learning to read and write.  They've got the K part down.  They can write that just fine.  Only 25 letters left to go.  You're on your way!

A What with the What?

I recently saw an online advertisement for jobs working with the New York State Department of Unemployment, and I was like, "Huh?"

Monday, April 26, 2010

Delicious Balls!

If you're invited over to someone's house for dinner, and they serve meatballs, and the opportunity arises to complement the host, you shouldn't try to leave out the word "meat" as an attempt at brevity.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I was looking in the library the other day for this book that has words in it that mean the same thing as other words.  I couldn't think of the word for it though so I just got a book about dinosaurs.  I felt like I was so close.

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Best Part?

Folgers coffee company has commercials with a catchy jingle at the end that says, "The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup".  I mean don't get me wrong, I like coffee as much as the next guy.  As a matter of fact, I'm drinking some right now.  But the "best part"?  Coffee is pretty good, but if I got to vote, I'd say the best part of waking up is not being dead.  Maybe for reality sake they should change it to say, "A pretty good part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup".  It might not be as catchy, but at least it's realistically accurate!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Uh oh! Allergic?

It sucks when you find out that you're allergic to something you really like.  Just yesterday I was rubbing some lotion on my penis for about 10 minutes.  Then I realized that my penis was allergic to lotion because it threw up everywhere.  Oh well.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I Don't Like How This Shapes!

People living in the "First World" are spoiled as hell.  I don't know if they even use the term "First World" to describe the United States and most of Europe, or if there's such a term as "Second World".  I don't even know why they use the term "Third World Country".  I guess that's a whole other discussion.  But if there is such a term such as "First World" to describe privileged countries, then First World Countries are spoiled as shit!  There are millions of people in the world who struggle every day to sustain themselves with enough food to keep themselves and their families alive.  Alive!  Food as a necessity for life!  Can you imagine such a thing?  Then there are those of us in First World countries who are so spoiled by an overabundance and over-availability of food that we're not nearly happy enough with simple sustenance.  Not only can we pick and choose a food to fit our desires as far as taste, but we're so spoiled that we actually have shape options within the same food category so we don't get too bored with our delicious plentiful food.  Pasta is the most obvious example.  Are you kidding me with the pasta options that we have.  It's insane that people all over the world are starving, would literally cut off a limb at the opportunity to ravenously devour a bowl of spaghetti, yet we in our cozy homes in our First World countries are sitting there like,

"Spaghetti is so boring, let's have some bow tie pasta with clam sauce, mmmmm!"

Not only is bowtie pasta with clam sauce gay, it's a luxury that's taken for granted.  I guarantee you that when it really comes down to it, bowtie pasta tastes exactly like elbow macaroni.  Are we so spoiled and finicky that we need to eat food shaped like clothing accessories?  Shame on you for eating your bowtie pasta with clam sauce and washing it down with your white wine spritzer you First World bastard.  I hope you choke on your suspender shaped spaghetti and cufflink shaped meatballs!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Confusing as Kip!


I want to fall in love.  That's a gay thing to say, but I think deep down everyone does.  I really want to have kids too.  I want to have a son first.  Then I want to have another one.  I want to name my first son Kip.  I want to name my second son Kyp.  Not only is that a super gay name, but it would be confusing as hell for me.  I think it would be pretty funny. 

"Kip stop throwing that ball in the house!"
"Kyp stop hitting Kip!"
"Kip don't you hit Kyp either!"

I think the best part would be signing them up for stuff.  I'd look crazy. 

"Ok, before we sign you guys up for little league, I need to get a little bit of information."
"Very well."
"What is your son's name?"
"And what is your other son's name?"

Thursday, April 1, 2010

"Sorry" Isn't Gonna Cut It!

If someone calls you and they meant to call someone else they say, "sorry wrong number".  I say, fuck that.  I think the Federal Government should impose a law that if you call someone accidentally, no matter how innocent, you should have to pay that person ten dollars for their time and inconvenience.  That would make sense.  A conversation would go something like this:

Guy #1:  Hello?

Guy #2:  Oh sorry I have the wrong number.

Guy #1:  Oh that's OK.

Guy # 2:  What's your mailing address?

Guy # 1: 31 East Oak St.
               Jefferson Delaware 01820

Guy #2:  Perfect I'll send you $10 tomorrow.

Guy #1:  Yeah you will you son of a bitch!