Run For Your Life!!!

I bet life isn’t easy for a racist white garbage man with Tourette’s syndrome who lives in Harlem.

Woops

I walked up behind this really cute girl in the grocery store, and right as I was about to say something to her, I was like, “woops, that’s a dude”.

A Lazy Costume

If you want to be something super creepy for Halloween, not scary but creepy, but you don’t feel like dressing up, go to a party with no costume and stand outside the bathroom with a single roll of toilet paper.  When someone asks you what you are, in a totally monotone, and creepy voice say, “I’m here just in case”.

Equality!

I think it’s unfair that women are allowed to get away with things that guys aren’t.  Like, it’s acceptable when they say it but totally inappropriate if a guy does.  I thought we were trying to move toward equality?!  So I like to go up to girls at the bar and say, “Is that a bagel in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Eat Up You High Roller You!

You know you’re a high roller when you buy food and the only words on the package are the name of what’s inside.

“Mmm, these are really good 'Pretzel' brand pretzels, but they’re making my mouth dry. Will you pass the 'Cola' brand cola?”

A Correlation of Creepiness

If you’re over 16 years old and you have a water bed, you probably also own a van with no windows. 

Well...At Least I Got Unlimited Breadsticks

I think the weirdest way to die would be to be killed in a drive-by outside of a suburban Olive Garden.

That's Not Helping Me!

It's annoying when you ask someone a question, and they answer you with information that is completely irrelevant.  I was at a basketball game, and I asked the girl I was with if she had any gum.  She was like, “I have some at home”.  And I was like, “So…  No?”

A Tough "Meet"

Meeting a blind date is hard if you don't know what they look like. One person is forced to kind of awkwardly approach the other and be like,

"Are you Jill?"

But I bet it's almost impossible to meet a blind, blind date. Because you probably end up scaring the shit out of the person when you try to talk to them.

You: "Are you Jill?"

Jill: "Jesus Christ! Where did you come from?!... Yes, I'm Jill."

The Easiest

* This guy became exhausted after keeping an eye on the couches all day long*

The easiest job in the world would be a furniture store security guard. 

"Excuse me sir, is that a recliner under your shirt?  Please put that back?"

(You'll never have to deal with that awkward situation)

Excuse Me, I'm Lost...

If you want to have some fun on a roadtrip, stop in to a gas station with an out of state road map and, with a European accent and broken English, say,

"Excuse me, you help me? I'm not from this region.  I am try to get to friend's house.  They told me that if I am lost to go to the internet.  Can you show me on map where is this 'Internet'?"

Where Are You?!

I had camouflage bed sheets in college.  I NEVER got laid.

Careless Office Worker

* Her hopeful (hilarious) reaction

If you're at a bar talking to a girl and you realize you're not really attracted to her, try this out for some personal entertainment.

(Note that this scenario works best in a crowded bar with really loud music, and if timed correctly has the potential to be a story that dozens of people in that establishment will never forget).

Direct the conversation to her occupation. She'll most likely bite because it gives her an opportunity to talk about herself.  Unless she's completely self-centered, at some point, she should reciprocate by asking you about what you do for a living.  Here's where you change her life.  Your response to this question should be something to the effect of,

"Well I used to be a legal assistant but I'm not working right now, I'm on worker's comp."

Assuming she's not retarded and knows what workers comp is, she should inquire,

"Oh, what happened?"

Here's where you have the opportunity to really wow the audience. As stated earlier, if the music is especially loud and you are familiar with the song being played, try to time your response when there is a break in tthe loud music and boisterously reply,

"I got my penis stuck in the paper shredder!"

There's a good chance this will end the conversation. Now you can go home and laugh to yourself.  You'll also need to look for a new bar to start patronizing.

That IS SHOCKING News!

*Excuse me, I don't mean to interupt, but are there more of you than there used to be?  I wasn't sure.  The news hasn't reported on it in a while...

I saw a news article recently with a headline reading Studies Show Number of World War II Veterans Declining.  Really?  Is this actually news to anyone?  Maybe my understanding of the point of news is vastly different from reality, but I was under the impression that the purpose of news was to tell us something that isn’t obvious.  I never really thought about it, but I’m pretty sure I knew that the number of World War II Veterans was on the decline.  It certainly isn’t on the rise.  There aren’t women giving birth to little baby World War II Veterans are there? 

“Oh really, there are fewer World War II Vets today than there were five years ago?  Well thank you so much for telling me, because I thought WWII Vets were really making a comeback!  Thank you so much for the previously unknown information, collective news media”.

I Heard You The First Time!!!

You know what I can’t stand?  Impatient appliances.  Stop fucking beeping microwave, I know my macaroni and cheese is ready!  I’ll be there in a minute, can’t you see I’m taking a shit?!

I've Been Busy

I got an email from a friend of mine who I hadn’t talked to since college. Almost eight years. He was like, “sorry I haven’t been in touch, I’ve been really busy.”

FOR EIGHT YEARS?!?!

What are you the President of the United States or something?

I mean, tell me that you just didn’t feel like keeping in touch with me, but don’t flat out lie that you’ve been busy. No one is busy for eight years. If your schedule is so fully stocked to the brim for a near decade that you can’t free up time for a 20 minute phone call, you’ve probably reached a point where you need to re-evaluate your life and do something to free up your schedule a bit.

I could buy that you've been busy for a week.

“Sorry I didn’t call last week dude, I was super busy.”

“Oh don’t worry about it!”

But eight years?

“Sorry I haven’t called you in almost a decade dude, I’ve been super busy.”

"If by 'super busy' you mean 'a bad friend' then yes, you have been 'super busy'".

I Refuse To Partake

It’s a sad but true reality that racism is still very much alive in America.  Well I say “fuck that!”  I refuse to support racism in even the most peripheral sense.  I even refuse to segregate my clothes in the laundry.  Needless to say, I have a lot of pink underwear.  

I Retract My Previous Statement...But Seriously, Can I Get That?

There are times when I’ll say something, and immediately after I say it I’ll be like, “Really?  Did I just say that?”  I mean, I’m not the manliest guy in the world by any stretch of the imagination,, but it’s a little bit concerning when I end a conversation with a woman I work with by saying, “You’ve got to give me that recipe!!!”

It Depends...

If you’re a guy, and you say the words, “Oh my God, he is so cute!”, you’re normal, creepy or just plain gay depending on the age of the person you’re talking about.  My research is reflected in the above graph:

*You'll notice at a certain age, above roughly 75 years old, it becomes increasingly more acceptable to say that a man is cute, because let's face it, there's definitely something endearing about a wicked old man in suspenders!

Apparently God Wasn't When He Made You!

I saw a woman with huge boobs wearing a t-shirt that said “minimalist”

You look bored to death!

If they did emotional stability evaluations, I think studies would find that a lot of cows are suicidal. 

THAT'S what you're talking about?

I was in a discount grocery store recently called Price Rite. I’m not trying to imply it’s ghetto, but let’s just say that it is. So here’s the scene. I’m rounding the corner of an aisle, when up ahead of me are two black dudes, one pushing a half full cart, the other, clad in a baseball hat and leather jacket. As they pass me, the gentleman in the leather jacket spots a display of cereal that apparently he enjoys. At this point he turns to his buddy and, as he grabs one of the boxes of cereal says, totally straight face and 100% serious,


“Yeah, let me get some of these Crunch Berries”

Then, as he puts the cereal in the cart, he looks at his friend, again 100% serious and goes,

“That’s what I’m talking ‘bout!”

Let me tell you something about this completely true story. I am unfortunately, the furthest thing from what one would consider to be “ghetto” or “gangster”, but I know one thing for sure. There is nothing gangster about children’s cereal.

Sir! Put Your Hands Down!

You know who I have absolutely no patience for?  People who still think it's OK to "raise the roof".

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I want to completely shave my head and buy a cheap toupee to wear.  Then I want to go to a junior high and give the students a lecture on how important it is to be yourself and not give in to peer pressure.