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HeadGarbage's Mission Statement

This site exists for one sole reason. Some may say it's a waste of time and/or a poor attempt at stupid humor. That's fine. But way too many people are so miserable and I refuse to be one of them. These are things that I think about and I think are funny. These are things that make me laugh. I hope some of it makes you laugh too. Life is way too short to walk around being pissed off all the time. If you can’t laugh at some of the stupid and ridiculous stuff that exists in this world, what’s the point?! I hope the content of this site, which stems from the ridiculousness of the world we're in, can help in some small way to help take the edge off an otherwise stressful life. As a wise man once said,"We're not here for a long time, we're here for a good time!" I think that was Gandhi? Live, LAUGH, Love...And enjoy your daily dose of HeadGarbage. Come back often and tell your friends so that HG can grow big and strong!

Monday, January 31, 2011

It's Just Not Worth It

I was at a party and I really wanted a second piece of cake.  There was only one piece left, but it was already spoken for.  I was thinking about taking it anyway, but I didn't want to tempt fate.  There are just some people you don't mess with!

Just Be Yourself, Tom!

I was talking to a friend recently and he said to me, "I wish I was rich".  I thought to myself, "Yeah, I guess that would be cool".  It was just hard for me to picture my friend as Rich though.  I mean, I'd known him my whole life.  I've always known him as Tom, so the thought of him being 'Rich' was hard to imagine.  But I didn't want to make him feel stupid so I was like, "Yeah, I wish I was Brad".

It's Actually Pretty Big...

I wonder if people who use the saying "It's a small world" think that globes are "actual size"?

Is This Really FIRST Prize?!

There's a rather dated term that is still used today which refers to the individual who makes money in a household as the "BREAD WINNER".  I don't know much about history or the evolution of contests.  But if I was in a contest and won a loaf of bread, I would be so pissed!

How Do I Get In Touch With You?

Is it really necessary to put  your email address in the signature of your email?

Submitted by: 
Dave Moore (Regional Marketing Director: Rochester, NY)

Monday, January 10, 2011

I'm Not Hungry Anymore

If you’re looking to shed a few pounds, trying eating every meal at home, naked, in front of a full length mirror for a week or so.  It’s a pretty effective method of appetite suppression.

Free Office Supplies!

I was walking to the store to buy a paperweight, but then I saw this pretty heavy rock on the side of the road…So that saved me a few bucks.

May I Be Excused?

*I would advise against this.

If you have a big important afternoon meeting, chili and coffee is a poor lunch choice.

I Can't Just Throw Them Out!

I got a few presents for my birthday so I went out to buy some “Thank you” cards.  When I got to the store, I realized that they only came in packs of 25.  So now I’m just waiting for a bunch of people to do something really nice so I can clean out my desk drawer.

It's Just Fun to Say...

If I was a weatherman, I’d want to work in Wisconsin.  Because it’s really fun to say Sheboygan.  

Clock's Ticking!

"Hmm, I wonder if he's shitting?"

If you’re out to dinner on a first date and you have to take a shit, it could be embarrassing.  But if you can shit in “pissing time” you may be able to get away with your date not thinking that you’re a disgusting shitter!  “Pissing time” is typically 1-3 minutes, including the time it takes you to wash your hands.  If you can pull off a shit in that timeframe, you might be able to get away with your date thinking you just took a piss.  If not, you may have to lie and tell her that you had to make a phone call or give an old man mouth to mouth.  Both options are less embarrassing than admitting to shitting.

Now THAT's a cool place!

I bought some parmesan cheese and the label said, “store in a cool place”, so I mailed it to Jon Bon Jovi’s house.  I didn't want it to go bad.

Monday, January 3, 2011

How Long Have You Been Growing That?

If a girl you don't know is being a bitch to you, but you don't want to be an outright asshole, just passive aggressively insult her by saying something like,

“Pardon me. I don’t want to make you blush, but that is a very handsome mustache you have!”

You'll Be a Hit!!

I was at a party and a friend of mine brought baked brie.  I love cheese so I had some.  Then he told me that, “If you bring baked brie to a party, you’ll be a huge hit!”  I told him that we weren’t friends anymore.


*These are cute.  Now get out there and win this game!

If I was the NFL commissioner, I would create 4 point and 5 point field goal options to make close games more interesting.  For the 4 point option, the holder would have to wear a blindfold.  For the 5 point try, not only would the holder wear a blindfold, but the kicker would have to wear high heels.