It's Murder!!! (Fly Murder)

I killed a fly with a banana.  I'm not saying I'm more badass than Mr. Miyagi, I'm just saying that in all of the Karate Kid movies I've never seen him kill a fly with produce...

Best Ever?

As a society we consistently use words and phrases inappropriately, not as then were intended.  I'm not talking about the typical Too, To, Two; They're, There, Their catastrophe.  I'm referring to the overwhelmingly unrealistic, "Best Ever" comments that are made on the daily.

"This is the best soup ever!"

Really?  Have you had ALL of the soup?  You're telling me you've tried all of the soup, ever, and this is the best.  Even if that was the case, what gives you the right to be the final judge and jury on the quality of soup? Did you major in Culinary Arts in college with a concentration in Soup?

"This is the best day ever!"

Oh is that right?  I didn't realize you were over 2000 years old (which essentially makes you a vampire) and have been witness to all of the days ever and have been keeping detailed notes based on a rating system that you conceived which rates each day based on a comprehensive scoring system.  Best day ever, huh?  What about Christmas?  That's right, Jesus' birthday.  I bet that was a pretty great day.  I've read stories about it.  What about Super Bowl I?  First Super Bowl ever.  I guarantee that was an exciting day.  But no, you're claiming that today of all of the days is the best day ever.  You're going to go ahead and lay claim to that extraordinarily bold analysis.  Best day ever?  Why, because you went to Six Flags, got a giant bag of kettle corn bigger than a ten year old, and won a giant stuffed panda?  Yeah, you must be right.  Best day ever.

Wait Until You Hear the WHOLE Story

It's odd how our acceptance of people's actions can be so influenced by our understanding of the circumstances. If you're a guy and you tell someone that the night before you were naked in a room with ten other naked guys, you'll be judged based on the belief that you were undoubtedly involved in an all dude orgy. But if you tell that person that you were at the gym changing before working out, all of a sudden everything is ok.

It's a chart, so it must be fact.

*Figures based on scientific data

Is That Even Possible?

My goldfish died and the coroner's autopsy said the cause was dehydration.  I'm seeking a second opinion. 

What is this half of?

Half-and-Half has never really been clear about what it's half and half of.

I'm Gonna Watch a Little TV

"I'm Gonna Watch a Little TV"

Sometimes we use "size" terms to describe what we mean in "time" units.  To the literal observer, this can be confusing.

Breaking the Law. What a Rush!

The man is always trying to keep us down...I'm just trying to live.

Butter Flies

*Not quite as majestic as the traditional version.

Sometimes You Need to Clarify Your Question.

Look at that Berg!

Are icebergs all Jewish?

Bad Dresser!

The Market's Just Not There

I  bet it's tough to be a corduroy pants salesman in Ecuador. 

Your Doors are too SLOW!!!

When I'm going into a store, I like to run as fast as I can at the automatic doors.  Then I go and complain to the manager.

It's Not Really ALL Good...

Sometimes people use generic terms that they don't really mean without really thinking.  Like, "It's all good".  Is it really ALL good?  This is usually used as a reply to someone who is giving you bad news so you don't feel bad.

Friend:  "Hey man, I accidentally set your car on fire."  

You :  "It's all good"  

Friend:  "Really?"

You:  "No."

Identity Complex

A half-bathroom doesn't contain a bath and is therefore inappropriately named. It should be called a sink-toilet room.

Thanks for the Gas!

Depending on the gift, this "Thank You" could be either sincere or extremely sarcastic...

SideWALK

I was running down the sidewalk the other day and I ran into a woman who was standing on the sidewalk.We both fell to the ground and when we got up, we looked at each other, both ready to blame the other.  Then we thought about the purpose of the premises and realized we were both wrong...

A Bunch of Boxes

When you really stop and think about it, life is really just a bunch of boxes...

It Sounds Similar...But It's Very Different

*Not the same

Nothing to Joke About

You think high-fiving is fun?  It's not.  It's dangerous!

Employees Only

I was walking around town the other day and had a sudden, extreme urge to use the bathroom.  I went into a convenience store and asked to use the bathroom and was told it was for employees only, so I asked for an application.

Wait...What's a Piece of Cake?

If you're a college professor out at a restaurant, and you're having dessert, and you are approached by one of your students who ask you, "Excuse me professor, is the exam tomorrow difficult?" and before you can reply, she also points at your plate and asks, "Oh, that looks good, what is that you're eating?" you have the potential to answer both questions with one response.

Sometimes One Word Makes All The Difference

*CLICK ON PICTURE TO ENLARGE

You Know You Want To...Don't Deny It

*Rumor has it the title of his album "Believe" was 

actually in reference to this very dream (below)

If I was Justin Bieber, once a year I'd have all of my money converted into gold coins and fill a room in my house with them.  The room would have a ladder going up the wall to a diving board about ten feet high.  Then I'd climb up the ladder and dive into my gold coin fortune like Scrooge McDuck.  The only downfall of this plan would be that, as it would turn out, since I was a human being and not a rich cartoon duck, I'd probably end up breaking my neck and have to cancel my upcoming tours, hence reducing the amount of money I had.  But I think the inconvenience of the aforementioned hospitalization would be worth the pleasure of the fairy tale experience.

By the way, if you don't know who Scrooge McDuck is, I'm sorry for your deprived childhood.

I Just Don't Get It

*The name is ironic.  Because it makes me feel like an idiot! 

I think it's funny when people are like, "I have no idea how smart phones work, it's crazy!"  Really?  It's taken you this long to be amazed?  Like up until this point you've been totally on board with how all the "behind the scenes" stuff worked?  Smart phones?  I don't have any idea how phone-phones work.  I'm talking about the ones that are connected to the wall that no one owns anymore! It's old technology, but if you can explain it to me, I'll give you my stuff.  All of it!  

Wait...Am I Weird?!

Have you ever met someone and after meeting them thought, "Man, that guy was weird!" ? Then every time you see that person, you avoid them like the plague because they make you feel so uncomfortable.  You and your friends may even make funny of that person behind their back.  Well chew on this little nugget of possibility.  Do you think people who are weird know that they're weird.  Or more likely, do you think that they're under the impression that they're normal just like everyone else?  If this is in fact the case, ponder for me this possibility.  MAYBE YOU'RE WEIRD AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT!!!!  Sure, there's a possibility that you're not and maybe you're as about as normal as they come.  But there's a very good chance that you're one of those very odd-balls that you avoid and you don't even know it.  So keep that in mind next time you're passing judgement on the resident weirdo in your office or on your street corner, because there's a very good chance that you are that resident weirdo to someone else.  Or not.  Whatever.  But think about it.  Enjoy feeling self-conscious for the next week or so while you ponder this possibility and mentally monitor everything you say and do.  Don't worry, the self-consciousness will eventually wear off and you'll go back to your normal life.  In the meantime, mull it over...you weirdo!

Sorry I'm Late, I Was Shaving...

I wonder if employees at Gillette and Schick are contractually forbidden from having facial hair?

You're not the boss of me!

When you tell me not to do something it makes me want to do it.

Why Are You Mad?

My girlfriend was out of town for a couple of days.  When she came back, she asked me what I did while she was gone.  I told her, "Not much, worked during the day and had a few dates at night."

Super...Visor?

If I were a supervisor I wouldn't wear a visor that said "supervisor".  Because there might be some confusion as to whether I was a supervisor or I just really liked my visor.

I Don't Understand...

I wonder if the saying, "What am I, chopped liver?" is confusing for people who think chopped liver is delicious?

I'm Going to Kick Your Foot With My Face!

Johnny's biggest mistake in the finals of the All-Valley Karate Championship was leading with his face. I mean, he walked right into that crane kick!

It Wasn't Me!!!

There's nothing worse than being a guy and going into a single occupancy public restroom and finding piss all over the toilet seat. Because at that point, you have no choice but to clean it up, even if you're not going to go #2. At this stage of the scenario the blame has been passed on to you (barring a urine analysis), so although your innocence is clear to you, if left as is, you're bound to be identified by the incoming user as the dickhead who pissed on the seat. Bullshit!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

A Nickle Won't Get Ya Too Far

I once had a guy ask me for a nickle at a bus station. I couldn't tell if he was a normal guy who only needed five cents or a panhandler who just really lacked ambition...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

They Blend Right In!

I noticed that I was starting to grow a lot of long, pesky nose hairs.  Plucking them was getting pretty time consuming and painful, so I just grew a mustache.

I'm Old, You're Young...I Hate You!

Some would say that picking on old people is easy.  I totally agree, so here we go.  It's unfortunate that a lot of old people dislike young people simply because they're young.  They'll try to disguise their dislike with a complaint that in their mind legitimises the discontent, like "Their pants are too baggy", "They have all those piercings and tattoos!" or "They play their music too loud!", but if they were honest they would say, "I'm mad at you because you have your whole life ahead of you, and I eat dinner at 4PM."

Hey Dad, Pass...Holy Shit!!!

I recently saw a TV commercial for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes where a man and his 13 year old daughter are playing basketball in their driveway when all of a sudden, Tony the Tiger shows up and starts talking about how "gggggreeeaat" Frosted Flakes area.  And what do the father-daughter combo do in this situation?  They laugh and smile and keep shooting hoops!  Are you serious?  Why don't they give this commercial a shred of credibility by making it at least a little bit true to life?  I guess maybe the marketing department at Frosted Flakes thought there may be some negative effects on sales if a giant cartoon tiger rolled up on a little family bonding and the father screamed like a girl and dropped unconscious while his daughter shit her pants and started crying.

Let's Blow This Popsicle Stand!

(I don't know what's in this girl's fanny pack, but for her sake, I hope it's a bomb suit!)

I want to open up a popsicle stand in the summer. And then every fall as I'm getting ready to close for the season I'd rig the whole thing with dynamite and before I pressed the igniter, yell "let's blow this popsicle stand!" The only downfall of this system would be that each spring, I'd have to build a new popsicle stand. But I think it'd be worth it.

That Sure Would Be Swell (Swell...Get it? It's a Pun!)

(There is no possible way that I could display a picture pertaining to this post in good conscience.  This is a family blog...kind of)

I think it would be nice to have the worlds biggest penis.  Not for everyday use, but more so for when you're having a bad day.  Because if you're feeling down because your boss yelled at you or it's just a dreary Monday morning, you could always think, "Hey, I have the world's biggest penis!".  And that would probably brighten up your day a bit...

Totally Bro!

If you ever find yourself caught in the unenviable position of being in a conversation with a dude trapped in the 80's who's sporting a mullet and a denim vest, try this trick out.  Assuming you don't want to listen to him talk but you also don't want to be rude, stand there and pretend to listen and continue to nod your head as you zone out and think about something else like what you need to get from the grocery store.  Then, as soon as you notice he's finally stopped talking, look him in the eye and say, "Totally bro, Slayer rocks!".  At this point,  you have a 74% chance of being considered a good listener.

Who Is Responsible For This Ridiculousness?!

Years and years ago, some guy decided that it would be a good idea to work for five days and then have two days off to relax.  Those days would be called "the weekend".  Today, we accept that our week, for most, consists of this previously agreed upon 5:2 ratio.  But, who exactly, do we have to "thank" (read: blame) for this poorly thought out decision.  Why five days of work to a mere two days of rest?  Who was involved in the vote that would determine that for the rest of eternity 71% of the days of the week would be set aside for work while a measly 29% of our days would allow for rest, fun and socialization?  This seems completely backwards to me.  Much like many of today's standards, they are left unchallenged and therefore unchanged.  But I refuse to believe that this seemingly arbitrary decision of a five day work week was stumbled upon by intelligent minds with the best interest of the general population in mind.  I don't know if we'll ever know who created this standard or the details to which the decision was made.  But one thing is for certain.  If Bill and Ted ever decide to have another "Excellent Adventure" and/or "Bogus Journey" and I am invited, I will do my research, find this man who's brilliant idea it was to work five days each week, and I will kick this man directly in his weiner before declaring a 2:5 work:rest ratio.  And while we're on the subject of the work week, what's the deal with the work day?  Seriously?  Eight hours?!

One Vermont, Two Vermont...

The state of Mississippi was admitted to the union in 1817. Prior to that, I bet time was a lot shorter...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

You Might As Well Not Even Bother

If you're buying a "No Tools Required" $5 alarm system, how crappy is the stuff you're trying to keep from getting stolen?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Descendalator?

If you're going down, is it still called an escalator?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

You're black, I'm white, we're both hungry...Let's go eat some hamburgers!

If TV commercials are true to reality, it would appear that everyone who dines at McDonald's is incredibly thin, good looking, and has a wide variety of interracial friends...

Clean That Up!

Sometimes on the weekends I like to get in my car, drive to really affluent towns, and just liter.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Mostly Ones

If you're desperate for money and looking for a quick score, I wouldn't recommend robbing an Olive Garden on Thanksgiving. They just don't carry that much cash.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Umm...honey. What's this?

If I were married and my wife made this purchase, I'd be slightly concerned.

That's a Crappy Situation

If you've never been in a fender bender with a septic truck, take my word for it.  It's pretty shitty.