I'm Old, You're Young...I Hate You!

Some would say that picking on old people is easy.  I totally agree, so here we go.  It's unfortunate that a lot of old people dislike young people simply because they're young.  They'll try to disguise their dislike with a complaint that in their mind legitimises the discontent, like "Their pants are too baggy", "They have all those piercings and tattoos!" or "They play their music too loud!", but if they were honest they would say, "I'm mad at you because you have your whole life ahead of you, and I eat dinner at 4PM."

Hey Dad, Pass...Holy Shit!!!

I recently saw a TV commercial for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes where a man and his 13 year old daughter are playing basketball in their driveway when all of a sudden, Tony the Tiger shows up and starts talking about how "gggggreeeaat" Frosted Flakes area.  And what do the father-daughter combo do in this situation?  They laugh and smile and keep shooting hoops!  Are you serious?  Why don't they give this commercial a shred of credibility by making it at least a little bit true to life?  I guess maybe the marketing department at Frosted Flakes thought there may be some negative effects on sales if a giant cartoon tiger rolled up on a little family bonding and the father screamed like a girl and dropped unconscious while his daughter shit her pants and started crying.

Let's Blow This Popsicle Stand!

(I don't know what's in this girl's fanny pack, but for her sake, I hope it's a bomb suit!)

I want to open up a popsicle stand in the summer. And then every fall as I'm getting ready to close for the season I'd rig the whole thing with dynamite and before I pressed the igniter, yell "let's blow this popsicle stand!" The only downfall of this system would be that each spring, I'd have to build a new popsicle stand. But I think it'd be worth it.

That Sure Would Be Swell (Swell...Get it? It's a Pun!)

(There is no possible way that I could display a picture pertaining to this post in good conscience.  This is a family blog...kind of)

I think it would be nice to have the worlds biggest penis.  Not for everyday use, but more so for when you're having a bad day.  Because if you're feeling down because your boss yelled at you or it's just a dreary Monday morning, you could always think, "Hey, I have the world's biggest penis!".  And that would probably brighten up your day a bit...

Totally Bro!

If you ever find yourself caught in the unenviable position of being in a conversation with a dude trapped in the 80's who's sporting a mullet and a denim vest, try this trick out.  Assuming you don't want to listen to him talk but you also don't want to be rude, stand there and pretend to listen and continue to nod your head as you zone out and think about something else like what you need to get from the grocery store.  Then, as soon as you notice he's finally stopped talking, look him in the eye and say, "Totally bro, Slayer rocks!".  At this point,  you have a 74% chance of being considered a good listener.

Who Is Responsible For This Ridiculousness?!

Years and years ago, some guy decided that it would be a good idea to work for five days and then have two days off to relax.  Those days would be called "the weekend".  Today, we accept that our week, for most, consists of this previously agreed upon 5:2 ratio.  But, who exactly, do we have to "thank" (read: blame) for this poorly thought out decision.  Why five days of work to a mere two days of rest?  Who was involved in the vote that would determine that for the rest of eternity 71% of the days of the week would be set aside for work while a measly 29% of our days would allow for rest, fun and socialization?  This seems completely backwards to me.  Much like many of today's standards, they are left unchallenged and therefore unchanged.  But I refuse to believe that this seemingly arbitrary decision of a five day work week was stumbled upon by intelligent minds with the best interest of the general population in mind.  I don't know if we'll ever know who created this standard or the details to which the decision was made.  But one thing is for certain.  If Bill and Ted ever decide to have another "Excellent Adventure" and/or "Bogus Journey" and I am invited, I will do my research, find this man who's brilliant idea it was to work five days each week, and I will kick this man directly in his weiner before declaring a 2:5 work:rest ratio.  And while we're on the subject of the work week, what's the deal with the work day?  Seriously?  Eight hours?!