What a Disappointment!

If you're trying to kill yourself by jumping out in front of a vehicle, a Wendy's drive-thru is a bad location choice.  All you stand to gain is a slight leg bruise and some confused looks.  The cars just aren’t moving fast enough.

Get a Job Cat!

*This is NOT OK!

Why is “The Cat’s Pajamas” good?  That’s the weirdest saying I’ve ever heard of.  First of all, if I saw a cat wearing pajamas I’d kick it.  Cats are lazy enough as it is, not to mention sneaky as shit.  Why are we encouraging cats to be even less active by saying that their pajamas are synonymous with “good”.  I’m against it.  Not only that, but I won’t stand for it.  I’m taking a hard stand against this stupid saying.  Get a job cat!  Stop being a leach on society and expecting us to continue to praise you and your bedtime clothing! 

That's Gonna Cost You!

It’s expensive to get a bicep tattoo.  Not because tattoos are expensive, because wife beaters are expensive.  

Mmm, Let's Get These Darling!

If you’d like to create a humorous (and by humorous, I mean awkward) situation in a grocery store, identify someone in the store of the opposite sex who is close to your age.  Once you’ve found your target, wait until they’ve stopped in an aisle and are browsing a particular food item.  Then, when the time is right (you’ll know), walk up next to them, pick up a product off the shelf, turn to them and say, “These look good honey, and they’re low fat!” and put it in their cart.”

I Guess I Don't Have It So Bad...

I recently had a bad day at work and thought, “I have the worst job in the world!”.  Then I read an article that featured a study that said that 52% of people who eat asparagus have smelly pee.  At that point I realized that my job isn’t that bad.  Because somebody had to sniff all that pee to get that data.

I Wouldn't Recommend It

A "Watch Children" sign is bad advice for sex offenders.

NOT Good Morning!

I want to invent an alarm clock that goes off normally for the time you set it.  But each time the alarm goes off after you hit snooze, it sprays an increasingly potent synthetic fart smell until you wake up.

It's Kind of the Same

Falling is like laying down.  Only more painful and in a completely unexpected location.

It's Just Not Worth It

I was at a party and I really wanted a second piece of cake.  There was only one piece left, but it was already spoken for.  I was thinking about taking it anyway, but I didn't want to tempt fate.  There are just some people you don't mess with!

Just Be Yourself, Tom!

I was talking to a friend recently and he said to me, "I wish I was rich".  I thought to myself, "Yeah, I guess that would be cool".  It was just hard for me to picture my friend as Rich though.  I mean, I'd known him my whole life.  I've always known him as Tom, so the thought of him being 'Rich' was hard to imagine.  But I didn't want to make him feel stupid so I was like, "Yeah, I wish I was Brad".

It's Actually Pretty Big...

I wonder if people who use the saying "It's a small world" think that globes are "actual size"?

Is This Really FIRST Prize?!

There's a rather dated term that is still used today which refers to the individual who makes money in a household as the "BREAD WINNER".  I don't know much about history or the evolution of contests.  But if I was in a contest and won a loaf of bread, I would be so pissed!

How Do I Get In Touch With You?

Is it really necessary to put  your email address in the signature of your email?


Submitted by: 
Dave Moore (Regional Marketing Director: Rochester, NY)

I'm Not Hungry Anymore

If you’re looking to shed a few pounds, trying eating every meal at home, naked, in front of a full length mirror for a week or so.  It’s a pretty effective method of appetite suppression.

Free Office Supplies!

I was walking to the store to buy a paperweight, but then I saw this pretty heavy rock on the side of the road…So that saved me a few bucks.

May I Be Excused?

*I would advise against this.

If you have a big important afternoon meeting, chili and coffee is a poor lunch choice.

I Can't Just Throw Them Out!

I got a few presents for my birthday so I went out to buy some “Thank you” cards.  When I got to the store, I realized that they only came in packs of 25.  So now I’m just waiting for a bunch of people to do something really nice so I can clean out my desk drawer.

It's Just Fun to Say...

If I was a weatherman, I’d want to work in Wisconsin.  Because it’s really fun to say Sheboygan.  

Clock's Ticking!

"Hmm, I wonder if he's shitting?"

If you’re out to dinner on a first date and you have to take a shit, it could be embarrassing.  But if you can shit in “pissing time” you may be able to get away with your date not thinking that you’re a disgusting shitter!  “Pissing time” is typically 1-3 minutes, including the time it takes you to wash your hands.  If you can pull off a shit in that timeframe, you might be able to get away with your date thinking you just took a piss.  If not, you may have to lie and tell her that you had to make a phone call or give an old man mouth to mouth.  Both options are less embarrassing than admitting to shitting.

Now THAT's a cool place!

I bought some parmesan cheese and the label said, “store in a cool place”, so I mailed it to Jon Bon Jovi’s house.  I didn't want it to go bad.

How Long Have You Been Growing That?

If a girl you don't know is being a bitch to you, but you don't want to be an outright asshole, just passive aggressively insult her by saying something like,

“Pardon me. I don’t want to make you blush, but that is a very handsome mustache you have!”

You'll Be a Hit!!

I was at a party and a friend of mine brought baked brie.  I love cheese so I had some.  Then he told me that, “If you bring baked brie to a party, you’ll be a huge hit!”  I told him that we weren’t friends anymore.

Hike?

*These are cute.  Now get out there and win this game!

If I was the NFL commissioner, I would create 4 point and 5 point field goal options to make close games more interesting.  For the 4 point option, the holder would have to wear a blindfold.  For the 5 point try, not only would the holder wear a blindfold, but the kicker would have to wear high heels. 

Not For Me It’s Not

Sometimes people are wreckless with commonly used terms.  I was visiting a city I'd never been to and I found myself wanting a soda, so I Googled "convenient store".  I took the first address I got and put it in my GPS.  It took me 2 1/2 hours to get there...

LIAR!!!

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes when I'm having a conversation with someone and they say, "You know what I mean?", I say, "Yes".  But I don't really know what they mean.

Perhaps You Don't Understand...I Don't Eat ANY Animals!

I wonder if really hard core vegetarians refuse to eat animal crackers?

Beware of "Spread"

The word "spread" should be a red flag in the grocery store.  I don't want to sound stuck up, but if you're mistakenly buying something that you think is something else and it is in fact "spread", you may be setting yourself up for some unpleasant stomach issues.  A good indication, in addition to the fact that the word "spread" should be clearly visible on the label, is that the label will also boast about the fact that the product really tastes like what it is mimicking.  For example.  Peanut spread is a substitute for peanut butter.  It may have something on the label like, "With Real Peanut Taste!"  Butter products are another popular one.  I'm not saying that one is better than the other.  To each his own, and if you enjoy processed "spread" as a substitute for the real thing, more power to you.  But a little piece of advice.  When you're at the store picking up your "spread", you may want to make a quick detour on your way to the register and visit the paper products aisle...

He's Just Ruining Everyone's Good Time!

*What a dick!

We’re constantly, although often subtly, reminded of the power of small things.  That’s deep.  If you really think about it, though, it’s so true.  Here’s a perfect example.  I LOVE HAMBURGERS, but I HATE HAMBURGLARS!!  The difference?  Just two little letters.

Is this cute or?...Wait, what did I just say?

I was in a store recently and an old woman was looking at baby clothes, I'm assuming for her great-great-great grandchild.  The woman turned to her equally ancient friend and, holding up the garment, said, "Is this cute or is this cute?!"  At that moment I felt so bad for her.  She was so afflicted with a terrible disease that she didn’t even realize that she had asked her friend the same question just seconds after she had originally asked it.  It wasn't until then that I realized that she clearly suffered from severe Alzheimer’s.

WHAT is your hurry?!

I was driving on the highway and a hearse passed me going like 85 miles per hour.  I don’t know why he was in such a hurry.  I guess he wasn’t given much information as to the condition of his passenger.

The "Extra" Isn't Helping

If you make a product that tastes like shit, and you put on the label, "Now 50% more FREE!", that doesn't help.  Come to think of it, it kind of makes it worse. 

A Lot of Pressure for a Little Piece of Plastic!

If it wasn't for my contact lenses, my auto insurance premiums would be through the roof!

For External Eyeballs Only!

I bought some eye drops.  When I got home I looked at the box and there was a warning that read: 

For external use only.

I found this really frustrating.  I was like, "Damn.  I got the wrong kind!"  Because my eyeballs are inside my head.

That's Confusing

I find it ironic that the word "Giants" consists of the word "ants". 

I'm Sad (Not for the reason you think)

You always hear single people saying that they're sad on Valentine's Day.  Screw Valentine's Day.  Being single on Christmas makes me sad.  Because I really, really like opening presents. 

Can I Get a Gift Receipt?

I like to go Christmas shopping in May. Not in order to get it out of the way. I just like to see the look on the person’s face at the register when I check out and say, “Ughh, Christmas shopping is so stressful isn’t it?!”

That's Not My Name

I run into people pretty often who I've only met once or twice.  It makes me think that maybe I should just go ahead and legally change my name to "Buddy" or "Man".

It That So Much To Ask?

I wouldn't mind folding laundry so much if all my clothes were square.

I'd Just Like Some Information

When I die, I don't care about eternal happiness, or seeing my loved ones in heaven.  I just want to find out where I put all the shit that I've lost in my life.  The curiosity is killing me...no pun intended.

Resist Helping

If somebody asks you how to spell the word "Ransom", don't tell them.  You could be an accomplice and not even know it.

This Report is Vital to the Merger!

If you want to confuse someone you work with , go into their office and ask , “Hey Bill , how do you spell leprechaun?”  When the person gives you a weird look just say , “Nevermind , I’ll just Google it.  I have to have this report to corporate by five.” Then walk away.

They Have Coffee

"Hmmm, let me see what they have."

I was sitting in a Starbucks and two guys walk in.  One guy says to the other, "Do you want something?" to which the second guy replies, "Umm, let me see what they have".  They have fucking coffee, dude.

Why Are You Sending Me This Way, Little Robotic Lady On My Dashboard?!?!

I have a sneaking suspicion that my GPS and American oil companies are in cahoots.

Am I Missing Something?

I was in a store that sold home goods and appliances.  There was an entire section of an aisle that sold nothing but gravy boats.  I guess I wasn’t aware of how much people enjoyed turkey.

There's Nothing Funny About Electronics Theft!

I don’t hold the door for people I don’t know who are coming into my apartment building, because I don’t want to be responsible for someone getting murdered.  Or God forbid someone’s TV got stolen!

This Is Second Nature

I downloaded Tetris on my phone and when I went to play it, it asked me, “Would you like a tutorial?”  I grew up in the 80’s!  Asking someone who grew up in the 80’s if they want a tutorial on how to play Tetris is like asking a porn star if they want a tutorial on how to get a boner.  Thanks for the offer but I’m all set dude.  I know how to do it.

No Comment

The humor in this picture shouldn't need an explanation.

This Seems Condescending

I'm insulted by your underestimation of my intelligence!

Fore!

*I don't know what this guy is so happy about.  He's about to be covered in bird shit!

I enjoy simplicity and routine.  If I was a bird I'd have a very simple and structured life.  I would spend a few hours each night sleeping.  The remainder of the evening I would eat as much as I could.  Then all day I would spend flying around country clubs shitting on people in convertibles.

Showering. What a Pain!

*What a waste of time, right?!

I was in a gym locker room and overheard a big fat guy say to a stranger who was changing right next to him,

"Ugghhh.  You know how sometimes you just don't feel like taking a shower?"

I wisely stayed out of the conversation.  The guy just kind of shrugged his shoulders and chuckled, trying to minimize the awkwardness I'm sure he felt.  But I know what he was thinking. 

"Thanks for sharing and making me really uncomfortable, 'fat naked stranger'"