Confusing Units

I always thought it would be interesting if you tried to tell jokes in a country using units that people didn’t understand, just to see what their reaction would be. You’d be like, “…so Dave said to John, ‘how long do you think it will take to get done?’ , and John’s like, ‘I don’t know, it couldn’t take longer than a fortnight’ , and Dave’s like, ‘are you serious, it’s going to take way longer than a fortnight, that thing weighs like 450 stones!’” And the people in the audience are just sitting with blank stares on their faces.

She Puts Out, and You Have Proof

It’s not cool to call a pregnant woman a slut…even if it’s true…

Old People and Motor Vehicles

Some of the scariest shit in the world is when you see someone who is extremely old operating a two ton rolling human crushing machine. Because that’s what it turns into, really, when you put an incredibly ancient human being in control of a motor vehicle.

There are some things that old people shouldn’t be able to do and some of them are too stubborn to admit it. Old people shouldn’t be able to drive. That’s number one on my list. Again I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but it’s the same reason that blind people and babies aren’t allowed to drive, it’s dangerous.

If you tell an old person they’re too old to drive, they always try to prove you wrong by accidentally proving your point. You’ll be like, “grandpa, you can’t drive, you’re 93 years old, you’re legally blind in one eye and have no depth perception” and he’ll be like, “don’t tell me what I can’t do, I was in World War II” and I’ll be like, “that’s exactly why you shouldn‘t be driving!”

No Offense

I don't really understand why people bother to start out a sentence with “no offense”. If someone starts to tell you something and the first words out of their mouth are “no offense”, be prepared to be offended.

"No offense mam, but you have a huge fat ass"

"I'm offended"

New Baby Cologne

I want to produce and market a new cologne called “New Baby”.   It would be a play on the “New Car Smell” scent air freshener. I really think this would work because the whole idea, really, for guys wearing cologne is to smell good for women.  Well chicks love babies, and I’m pretty sure it has to do with how they smell…I mean, why else would they like them, babies don’t have any money!

Dreadlocks

I wonder if the first person to grow dreadlocks had a personal beef with the Pert Plus company

Pinch Me I'm Dreaming

I don't really understand the idea of pinching yourself when you think you're dreaming.  If I think I'm dreaming I like to check by getting in my car and driving around.  Because if I was dreaming, I'd know...because I would be driving the Batmobile.

Capri Pants

There is no excuse for a dude to wear capri pants. I think it should be a fineable offense similar to public urination. What, are your ankles hot? Just wear pants or shorts.

NOT OK

Trapped in the Can

There's really nothing that I can tell you about my life that is more embarrassing than the fact that I have locked myself in a bathroom stall.  I don't care who you are, Bill Gates, Kobe Bryant, Prince.  If you have to crawl underneath a door on a filthy bathroom floor because you managed to somehow, against all odds, lock yourself inside, that my friend is a serious wake-up call that you aren't all that great!

Bathroom Shout Out

For my money, one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to you in the bathroom is to have someone walk in to a public bathroom, usually a family member, and yell "hey Tim are you in here?" in which case you have two options.  You can sit there in silence, and hope they go away, or you can answer, "yeah I'm in here" in which case you feel like a 5 year old who may or may not have wet his pants and may need assistance.