THAT'S a DOLLAR?!?!?!?!?!

The dollar store is a funny place.  Not funny, "Ha Ha", more funny like, "what the hell am I doing in here?"  The dollar store is definitely a place where you can make some wise purchases and save some cash.  There are a handful of items in the store that are super bargains like paper towels and cleaning products, but there are definitely some others, we'll call them "the majority", that you want to steer clear of; like say, pregnancy tests.  That's right.  The dollar store, at least the dollar store I know has...pregnancy tests.  My question here is, why in the world would you ever even fathom buying a pregnancy test, a test which the outcome holds so much weight on the rest of your life, on an item which costs one dollar?  Don't get me wrong, I'm not rich.  But if I was a lady, and some dude potentially knocked me up, I think I'd check my couch cushions for a few extra nickles to buy a legit pregnancy test.  That's all I'm saying, because what happens nine months after that one hundred cent test gives you a negative sign and all of a sudden you're holding an infant and you're like, "what?!"

Here's another little interesting phenomenon about the dollar store.  When you're in the dollar store, no matter how often you patronize said business, if and when you run in to someone you know, you always act like it's the first time you've been in the store.  You at least act like you only go there as a last resort.  The winner in a scenario when two people who know each other as acquaintances bump in to one another in a discount store is the person who successfully convinces the other that they frequent the store less frequently.  But if there is one thing you'll take from this lecture, let me shed a light on you.  When two people run into one another in a dollar store, and both buy cans of pork 'n beans, go home and consume them, no one wins.  Unless of course you equate victory with projectile diarrhea.  Enough said.

It Went Away!

Every person, at some point in their life, has heard someone referring to a near bathroom experience use the phrase, "it went away".  It was popularized by small children in the early 80's but it's use is in no way limited to kids.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term or it's use, it's when you have to take a shit and then suddenly you don't have to go anymore.  It's not all that uncommon, and the phenomenon isn't always obvious.  But the confusing and uncomfortable part about this phenomenon is that we accept it as being normal.  So the question about this scenario remains.  It went away.  Understood.  But, "where did it go?"  It couldn't have just disappeared.  I'm not a doctor, but I don't think poop can be present in your intestine and then just disappear, can it?  What happens, does it revert back into food and retreat to your stomach?  So without a firm, proven answer, I guess we have to just blindly believe that it's still there somewhere, you just can't feel it anymore.  So instead of saying, "It went away", we should be more honest with ourselves and just say, "it's still in there, but it's just being shy".  "Don't be shy poop, it's not scary outside.  It's nice, and maybe getting some fresh air would be good for you, if you know what I mean".

Do You Take...Garbage?

I can handle a certain amount of slang.  There's some slang that I legitimately don't understand.  If someone tells me that they're "running the road on bare treads of chicken lint" I 100% don't know what that means.  No one does.  I just made it up.  But there's some slang terms I do know the meaning of.  The problem is, I just don't understand why the usage of them is that much easier than just saying what you really mean!  A lot of times, there's the potential for creating a lot of confusion.  If I'm working in a store and someone walks in and goes to buy something and asks, "do you take plastic?", I know that they're referring to a credit card.  The problem is, what if they're not?  The tough thing about misunderstanding is that it can potentially go both ways.  If I say "yes, we do take plastic" and this person is from some weird foreign country I've never heard of who's currency is little pieces of plastic, I've now made a promise I have to keep!  Now I've gone and sold these nudy mags to some guy from Uzbekistan for a handful of worthless pieces of garbage that just happen to be valuable in his country!  From now on we'll just resort to speaking in literal terms.

"Do you take plastic?"

"No. We only take money!"

Poke?

I find it odd and confusing that on Facebook, you have to be friends with someone in order to view their pictures, but you can just go around "poking" anyone you want.  I think I'd rather have someone I don't know creepily looking at my pictures without my knowledge or consent, than having someone I don't know "poke" me and be aware of it. 

The Mystery

I used to live with a girl.  We shared a bathroom, and the toilet seat would always mysteriously be up.  She wasn't around that often so I thought that maybe she just didn't use the bathroom that much, but after I thought about it a little longer,  I figured it was probably just that she had a penis.

Can't Talk Now

Urinals have the potential to be a little creepy.  Some urinals have dividers between them that block a dude from package-viewing his neighbor.  I have no problem with that divider.  I actually really appreciate it.  But I really hate it when you're taking a piss and someone tries to have a little conversation with you.  "Come on man, I have my weiner in my hand, why can't we talk some other time!"  Ideally I would prefer a full floor to ceiling partition, but I think if I really had to choose one or the other, I would rather have my nether-regions completely exposed and have my face blocked from the other person, taking away the potential for an awkward little chat.

Learning the Hard Way

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Cats Can't be Trusted

You know who I don't trust.  Cats.  Which makes me not trust cat people.  It's not that I don't want to trust cat people, I do.  I just can't .  Getting back to the origin, cats are sneaky.  They spend all day sneaking around, looking for something, but no one is quite sure what.  I always just assume they're looking for a mouse or a ball of string, but the more I observe cats I start to think that they're probably looking to steal my wallet.  I don't mean to stereotype, but every time something goes missing and a cat's around, that feline is my number one suspect.  My basic mentality as far as cats are concerned are that they're innocent until proven sneaky.  And since all cats are easily proven sneaky, they're all fucking guilty of something! 

The silver lining of my take on cats is that you can throw them.  That's their only saving grace.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't throw a cat off a building or into a wall or anything.  But most living things in the world you can't throw without some sort of negative outcome.  Cats on the other hand are acceptable to throw granted it's not off a cliff or into a pool of piranhas.  I think the general rule of throwing cats is that you can throw a cat into an open area up to 50 feet (depending on arm strength) and off anything up to 10 feet high.  We'll just go ahead and set that as the standard until something bad happens.  So I guess, disregarding their sneakiness, cats aren't all that bad.  They do have a pretty unique quality characteristic.  Cats.  The animal you can throw!

Aaaaaawkward!!!

One of the most awkard situations to be in, in my experience, is when you see someone you know while you're walking in to a grocery store.  I'm not talking about a really good friend.  I'm talking about an acquaintance who you don't know very well, but know well enough to make small talk with.  So here's the scenario.  You walk in to the grocery store and see the person.  You then begin to make small talk with that person for 3-5 minutes before finally saying those fateful words, "See you later".  But in the back of your mind, you know that you will spend the remainder of your time in the store trying to make sure you don't see that person later.  You will literally spend the rest of your time in the store trying to avoid that person.  You won't even bother buying the items you came to the store for.  You'll just walk around the store, pulling things off the shelf to buy while making sure you don't run into that person again.  Why?  Because you've already said goodbye.  That's why.

Gravedigger

I have a friend who's a stand-up comedian.  When we were out on the weekends people used to ask him what he did and he'd say, "I'm a comedian".  But he started to realize that when he told people he was a comedian they would always expect him to be funny.  So when people inquired about his occupation, he began telling them, "I'm a gravedigger".  That way, there was no pressure to be humorous, but when he did say something witty people would be like, "Hey, that gravedigger is pretty funny!"

It's Funny Because It's True

A black guy saying “the river” sound a lot like a Chinese guy saying “deliver”

Such a Powerful Word to Sound so Effeminate!

I think the gayest word in the English language has to be ‘mandate’

Smart Shopper

I buy a lot of fruit.  And they charge you for fruit by the pound.  And I don’t have a lot of money.  So I peel my fruit in the store.

Quick Trip to the Market

I'm not trying judge, because I go grocery shopping myself.  But let's face it, grocery stores are just an enabler for lazy hunters and gatherers.  Your forefathers would be ashamed!

Smooth as a Baby's...

There are some common saying that I just refuse to participate in.


“Smooth as a baby’s behind” That’s one of them. I get it, I even agree that it’s probably accurate. But I don’t say it. You know why? Because I refuse to glorify child nudity. But at the same time, I don’t want to cut the babies out of the saying all together, because they deserve to be included. So what I say is… “Smooth as a baby’s Barry White record collection”

I don’t even care if you think that’s funny or not, because comedy is all about laughter, and the idea of a baby having a Barry White record collection cracks me up!

Golden? Yes. Delicious? Maybe.

I don’t like Golden Delicious apples. Because when I buy food I like the name to provide me with fact. Not opinion.


Apple: This apple is Golden.

Me: Cool

Apple: This apple is delicious

Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me decide how it tastes.  Maybe I won't like it!

Hairless Cats

You know what's creepier than hairless cats? Nothing.  Seriously, I can't think of one other thing in the world that would creep me out more than to walk in to a house and find it full of  hairless cats.  I can't stress enough how serious I am.  I would literally rather walk in to a house and find it full of blood thirsty vampires or goblins.  Hairless hats are pretty harmless.  But I would rather have all of my blood sucked out of my neck than have to look at and touch a hairless cat.  Oh my God, they're so gross.  Seriously, who buys a hairless cat as a pet?  And not just live with one, but have it sleep in your bed?  It would be like waking up and having a living scrotum laying in bed next to you moving around!  Who was the person who saw a hairless cat and thought, "Hey look, a pet!"  I would literally rather have a fucking skunk in my house.  What is wrong with people? Gross!

Sperm...Bank?

I don’t think sperm banks should be called ‘banks’. Sperm banks really lack bank characteristics. Aside from the fact that you can give them both something to hold on to, there are no real similarities. I mean I’ve never walked into a sperm bank and been like, “hey can I get some of my sperm back?” And I can’t go online and find out how much sperm I have left.  If I was sent a statement in the mail telling me about how if I give sperm to a sperm bank and I will receive 3.5% interest on the value of my sperm, I would be completely crept out.  And I'm almost positive I've never picked up a newspaper and read about how some masked gunman made off with 20 gallons of sperm in a daring sperm bank robbery.  I'm just saying, for accuracy sake and to avoid the potential for donor confusion, maybe we should just consider calling it a "sperm donation holding area".

Relation-Shit

I was in the liquor store the other day because I’m a manly man. I was standing next to the coolers trying to decide between the Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Zima, I overheard this couple deciding what they were going to get to drink. The guy was like, “what do you want to get?” and the girl was like, “Well what do you want?” and the guy fires back, “What does it matter, we’re gonna get whatever you want anyway!” and at that moment I was like, ‘God I want a girlfriend’.

So Critical!

As far as I’m concerned movie critic is the most bullshit profession in the world. Oh you watch movies and tell us what you think about them? That’s tough. I guess my buddy Floyd is a movie critic because he’s always telling me what he thinks about movies, even when I don’t ask him. But the difference between a friend telling you about a movie and a “professional” movie critic is that the critic will try to make you feel inferior by using words that nobody knows the meaning of. Like, why do 90% of movie reviews include the word ‘spellbinding’? You know why, because no one knows what the fuck that word means! I’m not even sure if that word is good or bad. I don’t even know if that word is a word!

Gaylord!

I'm not gay, but I've been called a gaylord before.  Being called a gaylord may be seen as insulting to a straight man, but look at it this way.  If you're the Lord of the Gays, you would certainly out-rank a normal heterosexual.  On a scale of power, this would be a huge upgrade!  And for a gay man, I think being called a gaylord is probably a super-complement!  So on a grand scale, being called a gaylord, regardless of the reasoning behind it, or your sexual orientation is actually quite a positive experience!

If a guy called another guy who he didn't know was gay a Gaylord, the conversation would probably be short, and it would probably go something like this.

Straight Guy: You're a Gaylord!

Gay Guy:  Thank you!

While typing this, I also realized that if you spell Gaylord wrong you can write Gaylrod...and that word is pretty gay too.

Presumptuous Appliances

If there's one thing I hate, it's the way my pee smells after I eat asparagus.  If there's two things I hate it's presumptuous appliances.  If I see a fat lady, I don't go up to her and say, "hey when's the baby due?"  Why?  Because I'm not an asshole!

The other day I was heating up some water in a mug in the microwave to make some instant coffee.  I sometimes drink instant coffee because I enjoy the finer things in life.  I heated the water up for 1 minute and 30 seconds.  When it was done, the microwave beeped and the digital screen read, "Your Food Is Ready".  That made me incredibly angry!  Why would this microwave just assume that I was heating up some food?  Am I so one dimensional that the only thing I use a microware for is for heating up food?  Screw that microwave!  Presuming son of a bitch!  I beat the shit out of it with a baseball bat to teach it a lesson, only to later realize that my delicious instant coffee was still inside, spilled everywhere.  When I was finished crying, I heated up some water on the stovetop and made another cup.  Thank goodness for that, otherwise my rage might have gotten the best of me, forcing me to generalize my anger and kick the shit out of every appliance in the house.  Thanks a lot microwave!  Maybe next time you shouldn't just go around assuming you know what's inside you, asshole!

Spandex

Spandex is sexy until you have to bend over.  Spandex has the kind of power that no other material possesses.  It can make a skinny person look fat and a fat person make me throw up a little bit in my mouth.  Then it's potentially intrusive and inappropriate.  And by intrustive I mean that it goes in places it's not supposed to go.  And by inappropriate, I mean, it goes in places it's not supposed to go.

I Just Don't Understand!

 I don't really get why any guy would hate a gay guy.  Gay guys are the best things that a heterosexual guy could ever hope for.  A gay guy is an odds increaser.  Let's look at it from a simple math perspective.  If there are 10 people in a room, five guys and five girls, and your goal is to attract one of the five girls to you, your odds are one in five.  Now let's pretend that one of those guys loves guys.  Your odds have suddenly improved.  There are still five girls but you now only have to compete with three other guys for those five.  So herein lies my inablity to understand why any guy would hate a gay guy.  This guy has just drastically improved your chances with any number of these girls.  On a global scale, the increase in odds can be mind-blowing!  This leads me to believe that any guy who is a gay basher isn't a hateful person at heart, he's simply terrible at math.

Burritos. The Food of Trust

I love burritos.  I like how they taste but more than that I like them because you have to trust the person who makes a burrito for you.  Burritos are the food of trust.  When you eat a hamburger or a piece of pizza you have a certain ability to look inside it and make sure you're all clear.  When you eat a burrito, you're trusting that no one pulled a fast one on you and put some garbage inside.  Even if you found out that they did, it would probably be too late.  That's the great thing about burritos.  Not only are they delicious, but eating one is a serious adrenaline rush!  If someone had the nerve to mess with your burrito and fill it with something nasty, like a used baby diaper, there's a good chance it would be in your mouth before you realized something was wrong.  Sorry to be so vile, but it's true.  Burritos.  Try one.  They're the food of trust, they can be delicious, and God...what a rush!

"TP"

The other day I wrote down "TP" on a grocery list, and when I got to the grocery store I forgot if I needed toilet paper or toothpaste.  I bought toilet paper.  Turns out I needed both.  Buying toilet paper is embarrasing.  Everyone uses toilet paper, so it shouldn't be embarrasing, but it still is.  When you buy toilet paper, it's best to buy it when you're purchasing a lot of other groceries because those other items take the focus off of the fact that you're buying it.  Best case scenario is that you buy a relatively small pack of toilet paper with 10-12 other items.  That makes it seem like you take reasonably sized shits.  The opposite end of the spectrum is to buy the largest package of toilet paper you can find in an attempt to save some money with a bulk purchase.  This is what I tend to do, and I always have to make a special trip to the store to buy it, so the toilet paper, very often, is the only item I buy.  When someone sees you in the store buying a 24 roll pack of toilet paper and nothing else, they think you're on your way home to crap all night.  That's what they think.  Don't kid yourself, people are watching, that's what they're thinking, and they're judging you!

But as with all things, there are exceptions to the rule.  If you're going to buy toilet paper and try to dampen the embarrasment by including some other items in your purchase, be careful.  Buying toilet paper alone is embarrassing, but there are items which can make a bad situation worse.  As a general rule, you'll want to stay away from any food that may be considered Mexican.  Beans are a definite no go.  If you're trying to cover up your toilet paper purchase, don't buy coffee, baked beans and sloppy joes.  This is a recipe for disaster and not only will people think you're going home to take a huge dump, whether you know it or not, you probably are!

Making It Hard To Hate

I've recently become aware of a hearing assisting product called Silver Sonic Hearing Aid.  This small piece of equipment wraps around the back of your ear and assists a person who is hard of hearing, a novel invention indeed.  The best part about this new product is that it looks like a bluetooth cellphone earpiece, somewhat hiding the "handicapped stigma" of the older fashioned hearing aid models.  Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with advances in technology which helps those with disabilities.  That would be a dick move!  My problem with the Silver Sonic Hearing Aid is this.  I hate people who wear Bluetooths when they aren't using them.  I hate them so much.  But the problem is, I don't want to be an asshole to someone with a hearing aid.  This is where the Silver Sonic causes me so many problems.  How am I supposed to hate these douchebags who walk around all day with a stupid Bluetooth in their ear when there are these handicapped imposters walking around posing as douchebags?!  I have almost no choice but to be a dick to everyone wearing anything on their ear.  I'm not trying to blow it out of proportion, I'm just saying, it makes it really hard for me to hate.