Mmm. Meatballs.

I like my women like I like my meatballs.  Slutty.

This Aisle Stinks!

*Clean-up in aisle three.  It smells like shit.

This lady gave me the dirtiest look in the grocery store the other day.  In her defense, I did fart right near her cart.

T.G.I.Th?

There are few things more pathetic than going to a T.G.I. Friday's for dinner by yourself on a Thursday night.

There Has To Be At Least One!

*He would probably look something like this.

All joking aside, I wonder if there's a guy out there named Ira Jewstein.

We'll Let You Know...

If you ever find yourself conducting a job interview and it's going really badly and you're certain you're not going to hire the applicant, try this to spice things up a little bit.  Right before you're finished with the interview ask the person, with a totally straight face, "have you ever killed anyone?", and when they say "no", with a slightly concerned look on your face and a subtle, disappointed grimmace say, "Hmm, interesting.  We'll let you know..."  I guarantee you this person will leave the interview super confused and hopeful that they don't get a job offer.

That's It? Just, "Jesus?"

I saw a guy wearing a sweatshirt that just said "JESUS".  That's it, just J-E-S-U-S in capital letters.  Not "Jesus Saves" or "Jesus is Lord" or "I Love Jesus", just "JESUS".  I mean, I'm all for faith and spirituality, but if you're gonna go as far as to promote it, tell us what you think, don't half-ass it.

"JESUS"

"Yeah?  I'm aware of him, what about him?"

The Question Is, Is This In Fact Legit?

I saw a guy driving a Cadillac with chromed out rims that had vanity plates that said “2Legit”.  At first I was like, “that is awesome!”  But I guess in reality it’s only partly awesome.  Getting to the point where you have the plates on your car is pretty sweet…one might actually say it’s “legit”.  But the more I thought about the process the guy must have gone through to get the vanity plates made; standing in line at the DMV, filling out the paperwork, paying for them, that’s actually kind of lame.  That’s not that “legit”.  And if it is legit, it certainly isn’t “2Legit”, it’s maybe like "1/2Legit" or at the very most"1Legit".

IT'S STILL PICKLES!

I don't really understand why people see the consumption of some foods socially acceptable only in certain forms.  If I'm on a bus eating a pickle, no one seems to care.  But God forbid I pull out a jar of relish and start eating it by the spoonful and all of a sudden I'm nuts...

Just The Way I Am!

*I don't need any silly surgery to make me feel beautiful!

I’m sick and tired of getting emails about breast implants! I think I’m beautiful just the way I am!

I'm Not Crazy...Or Am I?

*Your goal should be to appear to look roughly as nuts as this guy

(Note how unhappy the people next to him look, but the fact that they haven't moved! Perfect.)

If you're looking to get a reaction from someone and want to look nuts, get on some sort of public transportation, preferably a bus or a train, something that makes frequent stops. Cozy up next to a stranger, preferably one who is sitting down and looks like they are going to be there for at least a few stops, and make a relatively obscure remark, maybe about the weather or something in the news.

(It’s important that this comment is something that is odd, but not so crazy that they are going to move away from you.)

Once you have set the stage for this person that you more than likely don’t have all your marbles, plan on getting off at the next stop. But right before you get off, look right at the person and say, “I better put on a fresh pot of coffee. It’s gonna be a long night!”, and then just walk away.

That's Appropriate Attire...Sort Of.

*Acceptable on a sliding scale based on location

How insane you look, when wearing certain articles of clothing, really all comes down to location. If you’re riding a bike and wearing a bike helmet and spandex, you’re good to go. I can’t promise that you won’t get made fun of for wearing spandex, but you’re at least in the appropriate environment for the outfit. The thing is that once you take that bike out of the equation, you look nuts.


“Hey look at that guy walking around with spandex and a bike helmet on. Where’s his bike? What a freak!”

But let us explore further. Let us say that that individual is now fully clad in spandex, helmet perched carefully upon his head and he is back on his bike…ok, seems normal. But put that person inside a grocery store!

“Whoa, whoa whoa? What the fuck are you doing inside a grocery store with your bike, a helmet and spandex on?”


“What the hell is that guy doing with his bike in grocery store? What a weirdo, why doesn’t he leave it outside!”

But here’s the catch, let’s say that scenario does develop, and our theoretical biker is now inside a grocery store with his bike outside and still in full spandex and a bike helmet. Some people may not realize he even owns a bike. Maybe he’s just a gentleman who likes to wear clothes that keep everything securely where it’s supposed to be. Maybe he’s recently lost a few pounds and is proud and wants to flaunt it? Who knows? But to the common observer, the fact that this guy is in a grocery store without a bike, wearing spandex is probably one of the odder things they’ve seen that day…and we still haven’t been able to explain the helmet…

The MAN!

I was at a store the other day and this woman walked by me who was all worked up about something that had happened with an employee at the front of the store. She was with her daughter who was probably 7 or 8 years old. As they walked by me the little girl looked up at her mom and said “Mommy, are you mad at me?” to which the mother replied, “Oh no, sweetie, I’m mad at the man”. I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn’t believe it. You’re telling me that “THE MAN” who everyone is always complaining about, “The man’s trying to keep me down” and “Damn the man” etc. etc., works at Target?

Game Show!

I have two ideas for gameshows that I'm going to create and produce.  They both have the same format, similar to Jeopardy where there are three contestants and they compete to get the most points by the end of the show to win cash and prizes.  The questions however, are not general trivia, but are based on your ability to tell what someone is doing just by looking at their face.  The first show's format is that a picture of someone's face that is flashed up on a screen, and the contestants must buzz in to answer the question, which also just so happens to be the name of the show, which is..."Shitting or Lifting Weights?"

The second show is the same format, but instead of a picture of just a face, it is a picture of an old guy laying on a park bench...That show is called..."Dead or Napping?"

A Tip For You Gentlemen...

Here's a tip for you my dude friends.  If you're trying to pick up a girl, this is not a good pick up line...

"Hey baby, you're looking kinda skinny, how'd you like me to make you pregnant?!"