I'm Going to Kick Your Foot With My Face!

Johnny's biggest mistake in the finals of the All-Valley Karate Championship was leading with his face. I mean, he walked right into that crane kick!

It Wasn't Me!!!

There's nothing worse than being a guy and going into a single occupancy public restroom and finding piss all over the toilet seat. Because at that point, you have no choice but to clean it up, even if you're not going to go #2. At this stage of the scenario the blame has been passed on to you (barring a urine analysis), so although your innocence is clear to you, if left as is, you're bound to be identified by the incoming user as the dickhead who pissed on the seat. Bullshit!

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A Nickle Won't Get Ya Too Far

I once had a guy ask me for a nickle at a bus station. I couldn't tell if he was a normal guy who only needed five cents or a panhandler who just really lacked ambition...

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They Blend Right In!

I noticed that I was starting to grow a lot of long, pesky nose hairs.  Plucking them was getting pretty time consuming and painful, so I just grew a mustache.

I'm Old, You're Young...I Hate You!

Some would say that picking on old people is easy.  I totally agree, so here we go.  It's unfortunate that a lot of old people dislike young people simply because they're young.  They'll try to disguise their dislike with a complaint that in their mind legitimises the discontent, like "Their pants are too baggy", "They have all those piercings and tattoos!" or "They play their music too loud!", but if they were honest they would say, "I'm mad at you because you have your whole life ahead of you, and I eat dinner at 4PM."

Hey Dad, Pass...Holy Shit!!!

I recently saw a TV commercial for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes where a man and his 13 year old daughter are playing basketball in their driveway when all of a sudden, Tony the Tiger shows up and starts talking about how "gggggreeeaat" Frosted Flakes area.  And what do the father-daughter combo do in this situation?  They laugh and smile and keep shooting hoops!  Are you serious?  Why don't they give this commercial a shred of credibility by making it at least a little bit true to life?  I guess maybe the marketing department at Frosted Flakes thought there may be some negative effects on sales if a giant cartoon tiger rolled up on a little family bonding and the father screamed like a girl and dropped unconscious while his daughter shit her pants and started crying.

Let's Blow This Popsicle Stand!

(I don't know what's in this girl's fanny pack, but for her sake, I hope it's a bomb suit!)

I want to open up a popsicle stand in the summer. And then every fall as I'm getting ready to close for the season I'd rig the whole thing with dynamite and before I pressed the igniter, yell "let's blow this popsicle stand!" The only downfall of this system would be that each spring, I'd have to build a new popsicle stand. But I think it'd be worth it.

That Sure Would Be Swell (Swell...Get it? It's a Pun!)

(There is no possible way that I could display a picture pertaining to this post in good conscience.  This is a family blog...kind of)

I think it would be nice to have the worlds biggest penis.  Not for everyday use, but more so for when you're having a bad day.  Because if you're feeling down because your boss yelled at you or it's just a dreary Monday morning, you could always think, "Hey, I have the world's biggest penis!".  And that would probably brighten up your day a bit...

Totally Bro!

If you ever find yourself caught in the unenviable position of being in a conversation with a dude trapped in the 80's who's sporting a mullet and a denim vest, try this trick out.  Assuming you don't want to listen to him talk but you also don't want to be rude, stand there and pretend to listen and continue to nod your head as you zone out and think about something else like what you need to get from the grocery store.  Then, as soon as you notice he's finally stopped talking, look him in the eye and say, "Totally bro, Slayer rocks!".  At this point,  you have a 74% chance of being considered a good listener.

Who Is Responsible For This Ridiculousness?!

Years and years ago, some guy decided that it would be a good idea to work for five days and then have two days off to relax.  Those days would be called "the weekend".  Today, we accept that our week, for most, consists of this previously agreed upon 5:2 ratio.  But, who exactly, do we have to "thank" (read: blame) for this poorly thought out decision.  Why five days of work to a mere two days of rest?  Who was involved in the vote that would determine that for the rest of eternity 71% of the days of the week would be set aside for work while a measly 29% of our days would allow for rest, fun and socialization?  This seems completely backwards to me.  Much like many of today's standards, they are left unchallenged and therefore unchanged.  But I refuse to believe that this seemingly arbitrary decision of a five day work week was stumbled upon by intelligent minds with the best interest of the general population in mind.  I don't know if we'll ever know who created this standard or the details to which the decision was made.  But one thing is for certain.  If Bill and Ted ever decide to have another "Excellent Adventure" and/or "Bogus Journey" and I am invited, I will do my research, find this man who's brilliant idea it was to work five days each week, and I will kick this man directly in his weiner before declaring a 2:5 work:rest ratio.  And while we're on the subject of the work week, what's the deal with the work day?  Seriously?  Eight hours?!

One Vermont, Two Vermont...

The state of Mississippi was admitted to the union in 1817. Prior to that, I bet time was a lot shorter...

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You Might As Well Not Even Bother

If you're buying a "No Tools Required" $5 alarm system, how crappy is the stuff you're trying to keep from getting stolen?

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Descendalator?

If you're going down, is it still called an escalator?

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You're black, I'm white, we're both hungry...Let's go eat some hamburgers!

If TV commercials are true to reality, it would appear that everyone who dines at McDonald's is incredibly thin, good looking, and has a wide variety of interracial friends...

Clean That Up!

Sometimes on the weekends I like to get in my car, drive to really affluent towns, and just liter.

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Mostly Ones

If you're desperate for money and looking for a quick score, I wouldn't recommend robbing an Olive Garden on Thanksgiving. They just don't carry that much cash.

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Umm...honey. What's this?

If I were married and my wife made this purchase, I'd be slightly concerned.

That's a Crappy Situation

If you've never been in a fender bender with a septic truck, take my word for it.  It's pretty shitty.

More Money Than God?

I've never really understood the saying "more money than God" as in, "That guy makes like $20 million a year.  He has more money than God!".  I guess I never really thought about it before, but I seriously doubt that God actually used currency.

Oh, That Was No Accident!

If you smash into a car intentionally, is it referred to as a “Car On-Purpose”?

Really?

The fact that this sign is necessary makes me embarrassed to be a part of the human race.

What a Disappointment!

If you're trying to kill yourself by jumping out in front of a vehicle, a Wendy's drive-thru is a bad location choice.  All you stand to gain is a slight leg bruise and some confused looks.  The cars just aren’t moving fast enough.

Get a Job Cat!

*This is NOT OK!

Why is “The Cat’s Pajamas” good?  That’s the weirdest saying I’ve ever heard of.  First of all, if I saw a cat wearing pajamas I’d kick it.  Cats are lazy enough as it is, not to mention sneaky as shit.  Why are we encouraging cats to be even less active by saying that their pajamas are synonymous with “good”.  I’m against it.  Not only that, but I won’t stand for it.  I’m taking a hard stand against this stupid saying.  Get a job cat!  Stop being a leach on society and expecting us to continue to praise you and your bedtime clothing! 

That's Gonna Cost You!

It’s expensive to get a bicep tattoo.  Not because tattoos are expensive, because wife beaters are expensive.  

Mmm, Let's Get These Darling!

If you’d like to create a humorous (and by humorous, I mean awkward) situation in a grocery store, identify someone in the store of the opposite sex who is close to your age.  Once you’ve found your target, wait until they’ve stopped in an aisle and are browsing a particular food item.  Then, when the time is right (you’ll know), walk up next to them, pick up a product off the shelf, turn to them and say, “These look good honey, and they’re low fat!” and put it in their cart.”

I Guess I Don't Have It So Bad...

I recently had a bad day at work and thought, “I have the worst job in the world!”.  Then I read an article that featured a study that said that 52% of people who eat asparagus have smelly pee.  At that point I realized that my job isn’t that bad.  Because somebody had to sniff all that pee to get that data.

I Wouldn't Recommend It

A "Watch Children" sign is bad advice for sex offenders.

NOT Good Morning!

I want to invent an alarm clock that goes off normally for the time you set it.  But each time the alarm goes off after you hit snooze, it sprays an increasingly potent synthetic fart smell until you wake up.

It's Kind of the Same

Falling is like laying down.  Only more painful and in a completely unexpected location.

It's Just Not Worth It

I was at a party and I really wanted a second piece of cake.  There was only one piece left, but it was already spoken for.  I was thinking about taking it anyway, but I didn't want to tempt fate.  There are just some people you don't mess with!

Just Be Yourself, Tom!

I was talking to a friend recently and he said to me, "I wish I was rich".  I thought to myself, "Yeah, I guess that would be cool".  It was just hard for me to picture my friend as Rich though.  I mean, I'd known him my whole life.  I've always known him as Tom, so the thought of him being 'Rich' was hard to imagine.  But I didn't want to make him feel stupid so I was like, "Yeah, I wish I was Brad".

It's Actually Pretty Big...

I wonder if people who use the saying "It's a small world" think that globes are "actual size"?

Is This Really FIRST Prize?!

There's a rather dated term that is still used today which refers to the individual who makes money in a household as the "BREAD WINNER".  I don't know much about history or the evolution of contests.  But if I was in a contest and won a loaf of bread, I would be so pissed!

How Do I Get In Touch With You?

Is it really necessary to put  your email address in the signature of your email?


Submitted by: 
Dave Moore (Regional Marketing Director: Rochester, NY)

I'm Not Hungry Anymore

If you’re looking to shed a few pounds, trying eating every meal at home, naked, in front of a full length mirror for a week or so.  It’s a pretty effective method of appetite suppression.

Free Office Supplies!

I was walking to the store to buy a paperweight, but then I saw this pretty heavy rock on the side of the road…So that saved me a few bucks.

May I Be Excused?

*I would advise against this.

If you have a big important afternoon meeting, chili and coffee is a poor lunch choice.

I Can't Just Throw Them Out!

I got a few presents for my birthday so I went out to buy some “Thank you” cards.  When I got to the store, I realized that they only came in packs of 25.  So now I’m just waiting for a bunch of people to do something really nice so I can clean out my desk drawer.

It's Just Fun to Say...

If I was a weatherman, I’d want to work in Wisconsin.  Because it’s really fun to say Sheboygan.  

Clock's Ticking!

"Hmm, I wonder if he's shitting?"

If you’re out to dinner on a first date and you have to take a shit, it could be embarrassing.  But if you can shit in “pissing time” you may be able to get away with your date not thinking that you’re a disgusting shitter!  “Pissing time” is typically 1-3 minutes, including the time it takes you to wash your hands.  If you can pull off a shit in that timeframe, you might be able to get away with your date thinking you just took a piss.  If not, you may have to lie and tell her that you had to make a phone call or give an old man mouth to mouth.  Both options are less embarrassing than admitting to shitting.

Now THAT's a cool place!

I bought some parmesan cheese and the label said, “store in a cool place”, so I mailed it to Jon Bon Jovi’s house.  I didn't want it to go bad.

How Long Have You Been Growing That?

If a girl you don't know is being a bitch to you, but you don't want to be an outright asshole, just passive aggressively insult her by saying something like,

“Pardon me. I don’t want to make you blush, but that is a very handsome mustache you have!”

You'll Be a Hit!!

I was at a party and a friend of mine brought baked brie.  I love cheese so I had some.  Then he told me that, “If you bring baked brie to a party, you’ll be a huge hit!”  I told him that we weren’t friends anymore.

Hike?

*These are cute.  Now get out there and win this game!

If I was the NFL commissioner, I would create 4 point and 5 point field goal options to make close games more interesting.  For the 4 point option, the holder would have to wear a blindfold.  For the 5 point try, not only would the holder wear a blindfold, but the kicker would have to wear high heels. 

Not For Me It’s Not

Sometimes people are wreckless with commonly used terms.  I was visiting a city I'd never been to and I found myself wanting a soda, so I Googled "convenient store".  I took the first address I got and put it in my GPS.  It took me 2 1/2 hours to get there...

LIAR!!!

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes when I'm having a conversation with someone and they say, "You know what I mean?", I say, "Yes".  But I don't really know what they mean.

Perhaps You Don't Understand...I Don't Eat ANY Animals!

I wonder if really hard core vegetarians refuse to eat animal crackers?

Beware of "Spread"

The word "spread" should be a red flag in the grocery store.  I don't want to sound stuck up, but if you're mistakenly buying something that you think is something else and it is in fact "spread", you may be setting yourself up for some unpleasant stomach issues.  A good indication, in addition to the fact that the word "spread" should be clearly visible on the label, is that the label will also boast about the fact that the product really tastes like what it is mimicking.  For example.  Peanut spread is a substitute for peanut butter.  It may have something on the label like, "With Real Peanut Taste!"  Butter products are another popular one.  I'm not saying that one is better than the other.  To each his own, and if you enjoy processed "spread" as a substitute for the real thing, more power to you.  But a little piece of advice.  When you're at the store picking up your "spread", you may want to make a quick detour on your way to the register and visit the paper products aisle...

He's Just Ruining Everyone's Good Time!

*What a dick!

We’re constantly, although often subtly, reminded of the power of small things.  That’s deep.  If you really think about it, though, it’s so true.  Here’s a perfect example.  I LOVE HAMBURGERS, but I HATE HAMBURGLARS!!  The difference?  Just two little letters.

Is this cute or?...Wait, what did I just say?

I was in a store recently and an old woman was looking at baby clothes, I'm assuming for her great-great-great grandchild.  The woman turned to her equally ancient friend and, holding up the garment, said, "Is this cute or is this cute?!"  At that moment I felt so bad for her.  She was so afflicted with a terrible disease that she didn’t even realize that she had asked her friend the same question just seconds after she had originally asked it.  It wasn't until then that I realized that she clearly suffered from severe Alzheimer’s.