Brainpokers?

Q-Tips make me nervous.  Don't get me wrong, I like clean ears.  I'm just afraid I'm going to poke my brain.

This is a Knitting Emergency!!!

I like to go into a really laid back store and be unnecessarily intense for no reason.  I went into an arts and crafts store around 11am on a Tuesday when all the old ladies were shopping.  I opened the door really fast, ran over to the counter and demanded, "Where the fuck is the yarn?!!!!"

I Should Only Need One

I was looking for a heavy duty case for my cell phone because I’m a badass and I throw my phone a lot.  I found a case called “Armadillo Armor”.  That sounds pretty tough.  Both armadillos and armor are pretty rugged.  However, for some reason they only sell the cases in packs of two.  That doesn’t say much for the quality of that product.

We Have Italian Names...That Way We Can Charge More!

*Oh no! I hope that building doesn't fall on a Starbucks!

I really wanted a large coffee so I stopped at Starbucks.  Apparently they don't have large coffees so I went across the street to a gas station.

Just Trying to Save a Few Bucks

Work clothes are expensive.  I’m going to look into doing porn.

Setting The Stage For Success

I like to set myself up for success.  But I'm not always that productive.  So I like to make a "To Do" list for the next day every night before I go to bed .  First thing on every day's list?  Wake up.

Game, Set, Match.

I called this girl I was seeing a psycho and she was like,

“I’m never talking to you again!”

and I was like,

“Mission accomplished.”

Almost Scared= Crazy

Getting "Almost Scared" makes you look crazy.  Like when you're momentarily frightened and then you realize that everything's actually OK.

You:  "Holy shit!!!" What the ...oh, ok, nevermind..."
Witness:  "What was that all about?"
You:  "Nevermind, I almost got scared."
Witness:  "Whatever you say, psycho."

Pants. The Key to a Good Day.

I was packing a few things that I needed to bring to work in a small bag, and while I was rushing around, I accidentally put my pants in the bag with the other items.  As I was about to walk out the door I thought, “Woops, I should probably wear my pants!”  Looking back on it, it was a really good decision.

I Just Love Cats...Is That a Problem?

I like to go out with a girl a couple times, and then on about the third date I like to invite her over to my apartment.  But right before that third date, I take all my pictures and decorations down, put moth balls under my couch cushions and put up creepy pictures and calendars of cats all over the place.  That way, when I invite her in, the place looks like it belongs to a crazy old cat lady.  Hopefully at this point, in an attempt to lessen the awkwardness, she says something like, “Do you live with your grandmother?” to which I simply reply, “No.  Why?”

Accept My Apology, Or Else!

I was walking down the street the other day and I bumped into this lady by accident.  I quickly apologized and she proceeded to give me a dirty look.  This made me angry because I felt like my apology was pretty sincere, and she didn’t accept it.  Let me tell you something about me, I’ll apologize for something once.  If you don’t accept my apology, “it’s on!”  So I punched her in the face.  If you’re not going to accept my apology, that’s fine.  But I’m going to get my money’s worth!

Snacks

I was in the grocery store and one of the aisles was labeled “snacks”.  That’s it, just “snacks”.  That’s a pretty broad category.  Clearly the person who makes the purchasing decisions in that store doesn’t enjoy snacks nearly as much as I do.

Run For Your Life!!!

I bet life isn’t easy for a racist white garbage man with Tourette’s syndrome who lives in Harlem.

Woops

I walked up behind this really cute girl in the grocery store, and right as I was about to say something to her, I was like, “woops, that’s a dude”.

A Lazy Costume

If you want to be something super creepy for Halloween, not scary but creepy, but you don’t feel like dressing up, go to a party with no costume and stand outside the bathroom with a single roll of toilet paper.  When someone asks you what you are, in a totally monotone, and creepy voice say, “I’m here just in case”.

Equality!

I think it’s unfair that women are allowed to get away with things that guys aren’t.  Like, it’s acceptable when they say it but totally inappropriate if a guy does.  I thought we were trying to move toward equality?!  So I like to go up to girls at the bar and say, “Is that a bagel in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Eat Up You High Roller You!

You know you’re a high roller when you buy food and the only words on the package are the name of what’s inside.

“Mmm, these are really good 'Pretzel' brand pretzels, but they’re making my mouth dry. Will you pass the 'Cola' brand cola?”

A Correlation of Creepiness

If you’re over 16 years old and you have a water bed, you probably also own a van with no windows. 

Well...At Least I Got Unlimited Breadsticks

I think the weirdest way to die would be to be killed in a drive-by outside of a suburban Olive Garden.

That's Not Helping Me!

It's annoying when you ask someone a question, and they answer you with information that is completely irrelevant.  I was at a basketball game, and I asked the girl I was with if she had any gum.  She was like, “I have some at home”.  And I was like, “So…  No?”

A Tough "Meet"

Meeting a blind date is hard if you don't know what they look like. One person is forced to kind of awkwardly approach the other and be like,

"Are you Jill?"

But I bet it's almost impossible to meet a blind, blind date. Because you probably end up scaring the shit out of the person when you try to talk to them.

You: "Are you Jill?"

Jill: "Jesus Christ! Where did you come from?!... Yes, I'm Jill."

The Easiest

* This guy became exhausted after keeping an eye on the couches all day long*

The easiest job in the world would be a furniture store security guard. 

"Excuse me sir, is that a recliner under your shirt?  Please put that back?"

(You'll never have to deal with that awkward situation)

Excuse Me, I'm Lost...

If you want to have some fun on a roadtrip, stop in to a gas station with an out of state road map and, with a European accent and broken English, say,

"Excuse me, you help me? I'm not from this region.  I am try to get to friend's house.  They told me that if I am lost to go to the internet.  Can you show me on map where is this 'Internet'?"

Where Are You?!

I had camouflage bed sheets in college.  I NEVER got laid.

Careless Office Worker

* Her hopeful (hilarious) reaction

If you're at a bar talking to a girl and you realize you're not really attracted to her, try this out for some personal entertainment.

(Note that this scenario works best in a crowded bar with really loud music, and if timed correctly has the potential to be a story that dozens of people in that establishment will never forget).

Direct the conversation to her occupation. She'll most likely bite because it gives her an opportunity to talk about herself.  Unless she's completely self-centered, at some point, she should reciprocate by asking you about what you do for a living.  Here's where you change her life.  Your response to this question should be something to the effect of,

"Well I used to be a legal assistant but I'm not working right now, I'm on worker's comp."

Assuming she's not retarded and knows what workers comp is, she should inquire,

"Oh, what happened?"

Here's where you have the opportunity to really wow the audience. As stated earlier, if the music is especially loud and you are familiar with the song being played, try to time your response when there is a break in tthe loud music and boisterously reply,

"I got my penis stuck in the paper shredder!"

There's a good chance this will end the conversation. Now you can go home and laugh to yourself.  You'll also need to look for a new bar to start patronizing.

That IS SHOCKING News!

*Excuse me, I don't mean to interupt, but are there more of you than there used to be?  I wasn't sure.  The news hasn't reported on it in a while...

I saw a news article recently with a headline reading Studies Show Number of World War II Veterans Declining.  Really?  Is this actually news to anyone?  Maybe my understanding of the point of news is vastly different from reality, but I was under the impression that the purpose of news was to tell us something that isn’t obvious.  I never really thought about it, but I’m pretty sure I knew that the number of World War II Veterans was on the decline.  It certainly isn’t on the rise.  There aren’t women giving birth to little baby World War II Veterans are there? 

“Oh really, there are fewer World War II Vets today than there were five years ago?  Well thank you so much for telling me, because I thought WWII Vets were really making a comeback!  Thank you so much for the previously unknown information, collective news media”.

I Heard You The First Time!!!

You know what I can’t stand?  Impatient appliances.  Stop fucking beeping microwave, I know my macaroni and cheese is ready!  I’ll be there in a minute, can’t you see I’m taking a shit?!

I've Been Busy

I got an email from a friend of mine who I hadn’t talked to since college. Almost eight years. He was like, “sorry I haven’t been in touch, I’ve been really busy.”

FOR EIGHT YEARS?!?!

What are you the President of the United States or something?

I mean, tell me that you just didn’t feel like keeping in touch with me, but don’t flat out lie that you’ve been busy. No one is busy for eight years. If your schedule is so fully stocked to the brim for a near decade that you can’t free up time for a 20 minute phone call, you’ve probably reached a point where you need to re-evaluate your life and do something to free up your schedule a bit.

I could buy that you've been busy for a week.

“Sorry I didn’t call last week dude, I was super busy.”

“Oh don’t worry about it!”

But eight years?

“Sorry I haven’t called you in almost a decade dude, I’ve been super busy.”

"If by 'super busy' you mean 'a bad friend' then yes, you have been 'super busy'".

I Refuse To Partake

It’s a sad but true reality that racism is still very much alive in America.  Well I say “fuck that!”  I refuse to support racism in even the most peripheral sense.  I even refuse to segregate my clothes in the laundry.  Needless to say, I have a lot of pink underwear.  

I Retract My Previous Statement...But Seriously, Can I Get That?

There are times when I’ll say something, and immediately after I say it I’ll be like, “Really?  Did I just say that?”  I mean, I’m not the manliest guy in the world by any stretch of the imagination,, but it’s a little bit concerning when I end a conversation with a woman I work with by saying, “You’ve got to give me that recipe!!!”

It Depends...

If you’re a guy, and you say the words, “Oh my God, he is so cute!”, you’re normal, creepy or just plain gay depending on the age of the person you’re talking about.  My research is reflected in the above graph:

*You'll notice at a certain age, above roughly 75 years old, it becomes increasingly more acceptable to say that a man is cute, because let's face it, there's definitely something endearing about a wicked old man in suspenders!

Apparently God Wasn't When He Made You!

I saw a woman with huge boobs wearing a t-shirt that said “minimalist”

You look bored to death!

If they did emotional stability evaluations, I think studies would find that a lot of cows are suicidal. 

THAT'S what you're talking about?

I was in a discount grocery store recently called Price Rite. I’m not trying to imply it’s ghetto, but let’s just say that it is. So here’s the scene. I’m rounding the corner of an aisle, when up ahead of me are two black dudes, one pushing a half full cart, the other, clad in a baseball hat and leather jacket. As they pass me, the gentleman in the leather jacket spots a display of cereal that apparently he enjoys. At this point he turns to his buddy and, as he grabs one of the boxes of cereal says, totally straight face and 100% serious,


“Yeah, let me get some of these Crunch Berries”

Then, as he puts the cereal in the cart, he looks at his friend, again 100% serious and goes,

“That’s what I’m talking ‘bout!”

Let me tell you something about this completely true story. I am unfortunately, the furthest thing from what one would consider to be “ghetto” or “gangster”, but I know one thing for sure. There is nothing gangster about children’s cereal.

Sir! Put Your Hands Down!

You know who I have absolutely no patience for?  People who still think it's OK to "raise the roof".

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I want to completely shave my head and buy a cheap toupee to wear.  Then I want to go to a junior high and give the students a lecture on how important it is to be yourself and not give in to peer pressure.

Mmm. Meatballs.

I like my women like I like my meatballs.  Slutty.

This Aisle Stinks!

*Clean-up in aisle three.  It smells like shit.

This lady gave me the dirtiest look in the grocery store the other day.  In her defense, I did fart right near her cart.

T.G.I.Th?

There are few things more pathetic than going to a T.G.I. Friday's for dinner by yourself on a Thursday night.

There Has To Be At Least One!

*He would probably look something like this.

All joking aside, I wonder if there's a guy out there named Ira Jewstein.

We'll Let You Know...

If you ever find yourself conducting a job interview and it's going really badly and you're certain you're not going to hire the applicant, try this to spice things up a little bit.  Right before you're finished with the interview ask the person, with a totally straight face, "have you ever killed anyone?", and when they say "no", with a slightly concerned look on your face and a subtle, disappointed grimmace say, "Hmm, interesting.  We'll let you know..."  I guarantee you this person will leave the interview super confused and hopeful that they don't get a job offer.

That's It? Just, "Jesus?"

I saw a guy wearing a sweatshirt that just said "JESUS".  That's it, just J-E-S-U-S in capital letters.  Not "Jesus Saves" or "Jesus is Lord" or "I Love Jesus", just "JESUS".  I mean, I'm all for faith and spirituality, but if you're gonna go as far as to promote it, tell us what you think, don't half-ass it.

"JESUS"

"Yeah?  I'm aware of him, what about him?"

The Question Is, Is This In Fact Legit?

I saw a guy driving a Cadillac with chromed out rims that had vanity plates that said “2Legit”.  At first I was like, “that is awesome!”  But I guess in reality it’s only partly awesome.  Getting to the point where you have the plates on your car is pretty sweet…one might actually say it’s “legit”.  But the more I thought about the process the guy must have gone through to get the vanity plates made; standing in line at the DMV, filling out the paperwork, paying for them, that’s actually kind of lame.  That’s not that “legit”.  And if it is legit, it certainly isn’t “2Legit”, it’s maybe like "1/2Legit" or at the very most"1Legit".

IT'S STILL PICKLES!

I don't really understand why people see the consumption of some foods socially acceptable only in certain forms.  If I'm on a bus eating a pickle, no one seems to care.  But God forbid I pull out a jar of relish and start eating it by the spoonful and all of a sudden I'm nuts...

Just The Way I Am!

*I don't need any silly surgery to make me feel beautiful!

I’m sick and tired of getting emails about breast implants! I think I’m beautiful just the way I am!

I'm Not Crazy...Or Am I?

*Your goal should be to appear to look roughly as nuts as this guy

(Note how unhappy the people next to him look, but the fact that they haven't moved! Perfect.)

If you're looking to get a reaction from someone and want to look nuts, get on some sort of public transportation, preferably a bus or a train, something that makes frequent stops. Cozy up next to a stranger, preferably one who is sitting down and looks like they are going to be there for at least a few stops, and make a relatively obscure remark, maybe about the weather or something in the news.

(It’s important that this comment is something that is odd, but not so crazy that they are going to move away from you.)

Once you have set the stage for this person that you more than likely don’t have all your marbles, plan on getting off at the next stop. But right before you get off, look right at the person and say, “I better put on a fresh pot of coffee. It’s gonna be a long night!”, and then just walk away.

That's Appropriate Attire...Sort Of.

*Acceptable on a sliding scale based on location

How insane you look, when wearing certain articles of clothing, really all comes down to location. If you’re riding a bike and wearing a bike helmet and spandex, you’re good to go. I can’t promise that you won’t get made fun of for wearing spandex, but you’re at least in the appropriate environment for the outfit. The thing is that once you take that bike out of the equation, you look nuts.


“Hey look at that guy walking around with spandex and a bike helmet on. Where’s his bike? What a freak!”

But let us explore further. Let us say that that individual is now fully clad in spandex, helmet perched carefully upon his head and he is back on his bike…ok, seems normal. But put that person inside a grocery store!

“Whoa, whoa whoa? What the fuck are you doing inside a grocery store with your bike, a helmet and spandex on?”


“What the hell is that guy doing with his bike in grocery store? What a weirdo, why doesn’t he leave it outside!”

But here’s the catch, let’s say that scenario does develop, and our theoretical biker is now inside a grocery store with his bike outside and still in full spandex and a bike helmet. Some people may not realize he even owns a bike. Maybe he’s just a gentleman who likes to wear clothes that keep everything securely where it’s supposed to be. Maybe he’s recently lost a few pounds and is proud and wants to flaunt it? Who knows? But to the common observer, the fact that this guy is in a grocery store without a bike, wearing spandex is probably one of the odder things they’ve seen that day…and we still haven’t been able to explain the helmet…

The MAN!

I was at a store the other day and this woman walked by me who was all worked up about something that had happened with an employee at the front of the store. She was with her daughter who was probably 7 or 8 years old. As they walked by me the little girl looked up at her mom and said “Mommy, are you mad at me?” to which the mother replied, “Oh no, sweetie, I’m mad at the man”. I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn’t believe it. You’re telling me that “THE MAN” who everyone is always complaining about, “The man’s trying to keep me down” and “Damn the man” etc. etc., works at Target?

Game Show!

I have two ideas for gameshows that I'm going to create and produce.  They both have the same format, similar to Jeopardy where there are three contestants and they compete to get the most points by the end of the show to win cash and prizes.  The questions however, are not general trivia, but are based on your ability to tell what someone is doing just by looking at their face.  The first show's format is that a picture of someone's face that is flashed up on a screen, and the contestants must buzz in to answer the question, which also just so happens to be the name of the show, which is..."Shitting or Lifting Weights?"

The second show is the same format, but instead of a picture of just a face, it is a picture of an old guy laying on a park bench...That show is called..."Dead or Napping?"

A Tip For You Gentlemen...

Here's a tip for you my dude friends.  If you're trying to pick up a girl, this is not a good pick up line...

"Hey baby, you're looking kinda skinny, how'd you like me to make you pregnant?!"