That's Just Gay.

*This particular gem would be more accurate if an "M" was substituted in for the "T"

Here is a list of some seriously gay things in descending order of gayness:

1) Having vanity license plates
2) Hardcore Dude on Dude action

I Want To Return Something...It's In My Stomach...But I Have The Receipt!

I just don't understand keeping a receipt unless it's for a large purchase or something that you're pretty sure you're going to have to return.  The other day I went to Subway with my dad for lunch.  He paid.  He got his receipt and looked at it because that's what you do when you don't trust anyone working behind a counter.  After we were finished eating our sandwiches he picked up the receipt which was sitting on the table and, to my surprise, put it in his wallet!  We already ate the sandwiches!  What the hell are you going to do with the receipt?!

That's Not Humorous

There's a point in every man's life where he becomes so old that he begins to think that things are funny when they are not.  Based on my experiences that age is whatever age my dad is. 

Directions: Purchase, Take Home, Throw Away.

When you think about it, Liquid Plumber is a pretty unique product.  It's really the only product that you buy at the store and throw away without really using it first.  Food is useful because you eat it.  Toilet paper and tissues are usually thrown out relatively shortly after purchasing but there is a stop at the ass and nose respectively prior to it's disposal.  But Liquid Plumber Drain Cleaner is just trash in a bottle when you think about it.  You buy it at the store, take it home, and dump it directly down the drain.  What a waste!

"I Want a Snack"

Kids are great.  Not for the traditional reasons you hear most people talking about, they're cute, they're innocent, they lack inhibition.  No.  Kids are great because they need you.  They make you feel important.  That's right.  An adult can get mad at you, I mean furious, and say something like, "That's it, that's the last straw, I'm never talking to you again, ever!" and mean it.  An adult could say that to you and leave and walk out of your life forever.  Forever!  You could never see that person again.  But a child could get absolutely furious.  They could throw a fall-down fit, cry and scream to no end and declare that they will never talk to you again, ever!  But a child needs you.  That's the great part about kids.  A kid will get furious with you and say something like, "NO!  Don't talk to me I'm mad.  I'm never talking to you again!" and run and hide away in the corner.  But inevitably at some point, maybe ten minutes, maybe an hour later, they'll come to you with dried tears on their face and say..."Can I have a snack?"  YES!  You've won the battle.  Why?  Because kids may get mad at you, but they're small and can't reach things up high.  They need you!

And Come Alone!

When there's a movie with a kidnapping or some sort of hostage situation, and there is a meeting or as they call it in the business, a "drop", the bad guy almost always says, "...and come alone, no cops!"  When you're watching a movie and this line comes up, and it will, be prepared for the fact that there most certainly will be cops. 

Use Your Library Voice

If you're ever wondering if you're a nerd, just ask yourself, "have I been in the library lately at noon on a weekday?"  If you're still not sure, go ahead and ask yourself, "have I been the only person in a library at noon on a weekday except for an all-woman's book club with a mean age of roughly 97 years?"  Well at this point you should realize that you are in fact a nerd.  This was a recent scenario which I was the star of.  Therefore, I am a nerd.  But I don't regret it.  You know why?  Because today I was in a small public library, all alone, just me and the librarian, when suddenly one after another, old women began to come in and congregate in an area where they proceded to hold their book club meeting.  Sounds innocent enough right?  "Why Tim", you may then ask "was this such a great day?"  Because my friend, at one point during the discussion which I was only vaguely listening to, a little white haired lady said the word, "Penis".  You can probably imagine my reaction.  It was kind of similar to the reaction you would have if you were looking straight ahead and someone blew an airhorn ten feet to your right.  The best part about the "penis" comment, whatever context it was in, was that none of the other ancient ladies seemed to think it the least bit odd... or humorous for that matter!  They just went right on doing what they were doing.  But let me set the record straight once and for all.  If you don't think that an old white haired lady saying "penis" in a library is hilarious, with all do respect, you are WRONG!

I'd Rather Be Golfing

I saw a guy the other day driving a car with a bumper sticker that said "I'd Rather Be Golfing".  That's cool.  I guess that guy really likes to golf.  So much so that he bought a bumper sticker to pledge his allegiance.  This guy probably likes golfing a lot but is realistic, in his mind, about the fact that he has to participate in the general activities of socety like work and eating and sleep and possibly raising a family.  He more than likely knows that he can't golf all the time.  But that got me thinking, what if someone had that bumper sticker and was dead serious about it.  Like every time he was doing anything but golfing he was fucking PISSED!  Imagine how crazy it would be if every moment of this guy's life that he wasn't golfing, he was absolutely inconsolably furious. 

"Hey John, guess what, I got front row tickets to Pearl Jam tonight for free!  You in?"

"Fuck that, I'm going golfing."

"But it'll be dark outside."

"Shut your face!"
__________________________

"Hey buddy, I heard you and Beth had a baby, congratulations, how's Fatherhood treating you so far?"

"It fucking sucks!  I'm inside changing diapers and feeding that little bastard when I could be working on my short game!"

Nice to meet you. Please don't kill me.

College is awkward.  I think the most awkward part is that fact that when you meet your freshman roommate for the first time, you know you're going to sleep ten feet away from that person that night.  So I guess with all it's benefits, academic and otherwise, college starts off with a lesson in trust.  Because when you meet this total stranger on day one, and fall asleep later that night, it could be weird.  After all, you're sleeping just feet away from a person of the same sex whom you've just met.  But who in the world is this person?  He could be anyone.  So maybe just to cover all your bases, before you go to bed, you should make sure that they're not a killer.

You:  Alright man, good night.

Potential Murderer:  Goodnight.

You:  I'll see you in the morning.

Potential Murderer:  Sure.

You:  I will see you in the morning right.  I mean, I'm going to wake up?

Potential Murderer: What?

You:  I mean you're not going to kill me in my sleep or anything are you?

Potential Murderer:  No. 

You:  OK.  Goodnight then.  Remember, don't kill me OK?

"HEY LOOK AT ME!"

I like Tic Tacs.  I'm pro-fresh breath but can't we as a society figure out a way to make a mint that's a little quieter?  I mean seriously, for a 1 1/2 calorie breathmint they sure are loud as shit in your pocket!  Let's figure it out scientists.  I want to have fresh breath but could do without all the attention it draws.  I mean we went to the moon right, how hard can it be to make a quiet mint?

Maybe not everything...

I bet that the first person who said, "everything happens for a reason" had never bit their tongue.

Close Call

Everyone, and I mean EVERYone in the world has had a situation arise where they have thought, or perhaps even said aloud, "Oh, no, I think I'm going to shit my pants!"  In fact, society is broken down into two groups of people...

 1.  Those who, at some point in their lives will admit to having had at least a close call with shitting their pants. and

 2. Liars.

It's true.  At some point in everyone's life you find yourself in a predicament, typically after a large meal or indulging in too much coffee, when you realize that a shit is on the horizon and there is no comfort station in the vacinity.  When it happens to me, and I'm not insinuating that it happens all that often, it happens when I'm in the car.  The odd part about my experiences is that more often than not, it's not a matter of a lack of available restrooms at any given time, but moreso my stubborness and overconfidence when I am near a public restroom but not far from home to think, "I can hold it".  This misanalysis of the severity of the "craptuation" (this is a word I made up in which there is a situation {typically dire} where the primary focus is on having to crap) typically results in...
                                    
A. A lot of sweating
B. Talking to yourself in encouraging phrases like "come on you can hold it"  OR
C. Disbelieving phrases joined with expletives such as "I can't fucking believe I'm going to shit my pants!!!"
D. Some sort of awkward walk into your house or whatever island of relief you've found in order to end this nightmare.  In which case you sit on the toilet with your head in your hands for an extended period of time thanking religious figures you don't even typically believe in.

   The walk once you've gotten out of your car is a bittersweet moment.  In this process you always have mixed feelings.  At this point, you've made it to your hopeful destination where there is a vacant bathroom, few other human beings around and plenty of toilet paper.  The problem with the walk is that it is incredibly difficult to take long, confident strides when there is the risk that an overextension of one leg in an attempt at quickness may result in a dump in your pants.  That is the functional issue.  The embarrassing issue lies in the fact that there are always, always an unusally large number of people around in this scenario, or at least so it seems to your paranoid mind.  If your refuge happens to be a gas station there's always some sort of sale going on like FREE GAS IF YOU BUY A PACK OF GUM which encourages everyone within a 50 mile radius to not only be at that gas station, but come inside to witness your ass-clenching walk of shame.  If you happen to be home on the other hand, you can be sure that there will be less witnesses, but even so, there are still an unusual amount of people around.  For whatever reason, these emergencies always seem to happen when there's a mysterious parade on your street at 2pm on a Thursday and all your neighbors are sitting out in lawn chairs. 

When it's over you always realize that it was a situation that should have been avoided.  After all, you're an adult and even almost shitting your pants is pretty unacceptable in society.  So it's decided.  You, an adult, will most certainly never let such an embarrassing predicament spoil your day, and potentially your image, again.  But let's be realistic.  On some day, somewhere, while you're filling up your car with gas just a few miles from home at a station with a properly functioning toilet, you'll look at the gas station, look at your car, get in and close the door and think to yourself hopefully and confidently..."I can hold it".  Oh how we fail to learn from our past mistakes.  If and more likely, when, this scenario takes place, I wish you a heartfelt 'good luck' my friend.  You're probably going to need it!!

Really?

I saw a sign recently along a road within shouting distance to a neighborhood that read,  "Now Entering Town Parks Area- NO HUNTING".  Is this sign really necessary?  It doesn't speak all that much for the intelligence and common sense of the general population.  Let's say some hilbilly is walking around with his rifle in a populated area during the middle of the day, or God forbid, in the dark.  Are you telling me that if this sign wasn't there, this guy would think it was OK to just start hunting?  Like if the sign wasn't present, he'd look at his buddy and be like, "Hey Larry, you think it's OK for me to take a shot over there by that jungle gym?"  How embarrassing for the human race!

Meeting in the Middle

You have to shoot big to score.  That's a little life lesson.  That one is free... you're welcome.  But it's true.  To avoid being disappointed, as a general rule, you have to think big.  If I ask a girl out on a date, in a certain way it comes down to a psychological game.  You have to shoot high and then come to a compromise somewhere in the middle.  When I ask a girl out, I like to ask her out for an entire month at a time and then play it from there. 

ME:  "Hey, what are you doing every single night in June?"

GIRL:  "What?"

ME:  "OK, we'll just start with going out Friday night!"

GIRL:  "Who are you and why are you in the ladies room?"

"What the F**K?!?!

I read an article recently about organ transplantation because I'm very smart and I know how to read.  It got me thinking, what if someday organ harvesting and cloning becomes so simple and widely accepted that people are able to just have elective organ replacement surgery at their request.  This was a very interesting thought.  I began to think, "if I were able to have organ replacement surgery, what would I want to have replaced?"  I thought about my brain.  Maybe if I got a new brain I could potentially have all sorts of new skills and interesting facts that I would know.  Maybe I would be a brilliant doctor or know how to play the piano like a professional.  Wow, think of all the amazing new experiences that new brain would introduce into my life.  But I think if it really came down to it and I could have any elective transplant surgery I wanted, I would get a black penis.  Not for the probable increase in size, although that would be nice, but just to see the look on a girl's face the moment she saw my black penis contrasting with my pale white thighs!  "HOLY SHIT!!"  I would guess the reaction would be something of that nature.  Priceless.