Close Call

Everyone, and I mean EVERYone in the world has had a situation arise where they have thought, or perhaps even said aloud, "Oh, no, I think I'm going to shit my pants!"  In fact, society is broken down into two groups of people...

 1.  Those who, at some point in their lives will admit to having had at least a close call with shitting their pants. and

 2. Liars.

It's true.  At some point in everyone's life you find yourself in a predicament, typically after a large meal or indulging in too much coffee, when you realize that a shit is on the horizon and there is no comfort station in the vacinity.  When it happens to me, and I'm not insinuating that it happens all that often, it happens when I'm in the car.  The odd part about my experiences is that more often than not, it's not a matter of a lack of available restrooms at any given time, but moreso my stubborness and overconfidence when I am near a public restroom but not far from home to think, "I can hold it".  This misanalysis of the severity of the "craptuation" (this is a word I made up in which there is a situation {typically dire} where the primary focus is on having to crap) typically results in...
                                    
A. A lot of sweating
B. Talking to yourself in encouraging phrases like "come on you can hold it"  OR
C. Disbelieving phrases joined with expletives such as "I can't fucking believe I'm going to shit my pants!!!"
D. Some sort of awkward walk into your house or whatever island of relief you've found in order to end this nightmare.  In which case you sit on the toilet with your head in your hands for an extended period of time thanking religious figures you don't even typically believe in.

   The walk once you've gotten out of your car is a bittersweet moment.  In this process you always have mixed feelings.  At this point, you've made it to your hopeful destination where there is a vacant bathroom, few other human beings around and plenty of toilet paper.  The problem with the walk is that it is incredibly difficult to take long, confident strides when there is the risk that an overextension of one leg in an attempt at quickness may result in a dump in your pants.  That is the functional issue.  The embarrassing issue lies in the fact that there are always, always an unusally large number of people around in this scenario, or at least so it seems to your paranoid mind.  If your refuge happens to be a gas station there's always some sort of sale going on like FREE GAS IF YOU BUY A PACK OF GUM which encourages everyone within a 50 mile radius to not only be at that gas station, but come inside to witness your ass-clenching walk of shame.  If you happen to be home on the other hand, you can be sure that there will be less witnesses, but even so, there are still an unusual amount of people around.  For whatever reason, these emergencies always seem to happen when there's a mysterious parade on your street at 2pm on a Thursday and all your neighbors are sitting out in lawn chairs. 

When it's over you always realize that it was a situation that should have been avoided.  After all, you're an adult and even almost shitting your pants is pretty unacceptable in society.  So it's decided.  You, an adult, will most certainly never let such an embarrassing predicament spoil your day, and potentially your image, again.  But let's be realistic.  On some day, somewhere, while you're filling up your car with gas just a few miles from home at a station with a properly functioning toilet, you'll look at the gas station, look at your car, get in and close the door and think to yourself hopefully and confidently..."I can hold it".  Oh how we fail to learn from our past mistakes.  If and more likely, when, this scenario takes place, I wish you a heartfelt 'good luck' my friend.  You're probably going to need it!!