Where Are You?!

I had camouflage bed sheets in college.  I NEVER got laid.

Careless Office Worker

* Her hopeful (hilarious) reaction

If you're at a bar talking to a girl and you realize you're not really attracted to her, try this out for some personal entertainment.

(Note that this scenario works best in a crowded bar with really loud music, and if timed correctly has the potential to be a story that dozens of people in that establishment will never forget).

Direct the conversation to her occupation. She'll most likely bite because it gives her an opportunity to talk about herself.  Unless she's completely self-centered, at some point, she should reciprocate by asking you about what you do for a living.  Here's where you change her life.  Your response to this question should be something to the effect of,

"Well I used to be a legal assistant but I'm not working right now, I'm on worker's comp."

Assuming she's not retarded and knows what workers comp is, she should inquire,

"Oh, what happened?"

Here's where you have the opportunity to really wow the audience. As stated earlier, if the music is especially loud and you are familiar with the song being played, try to time your response when there is a break in tthe loud music and boisterously reply,

"I got my penis stuck in the paper shredder!"

There's a good chance this will end the conversation. Now you can go home and laugh to yourself.  You'll also need to look for a new bar to start patronizing.

That IS SHOCKING News!

*Excuse me, I don't mean to interupt, but are there more of you than there used to be?  I wasn't sure.  The news hasn't reported on it in a while...

I saw a news article recently with a headline reading Studies Show Number of World War II Veterans Declining.  Really?  Is this actually news to anyone?  Maybe my understanding of the point of news is vastly different from reality, but I was under the impression that the purpose of news was to tell us something that isn’t obvious.  I never really thought about it, but I’m pretty sure I knew that the number of World War II Veterans was on the decline.  It certainly isn’t on the rise.  There aren’t women giving birth to little baby World War II Veterans are there? 

“Oh really, there are fewer World War II Vets today than there were five years ago?  Well thank you so much for telling me, because I thought WWII Vets were really making a comeback!  Thank you so much for the previously unknown information, collective news media”.

I Heard You The First Time!!!

You know what I can’t stand?  Impatient appliances.  Stop fucking beeping microwave, I know my macaroni and cheese is ready!  I’ll be there in a minute, can’t you see I’m taking a shit?!

I've Been Busy

I got an email from a friend of mine who I hadn’t talked to since college. Almost eight years. He was like, “sorry I haven’t been in touch, I’ve been really busy.”

FOR EIGHT YEARS?!?!

What are you the President of the United States or something?

I mean, tell me that you just didn’t feel like keeping in touch with me, but don’t flat out lie that you’ve been busy. No one is busy for eight years. If your schedule is so fully stocked to the brim for a near decade that you can’t free up time for a 20 minute phone call, you’ve probably reached a point where you need to re-evaluate your life and do something to free up your schedule a bit.

I could buy that you've been busy for a week.

“Sorry I didn’t call last week dude, I was super busy.”

“Oh don’t worry about it!”

But eight years?

“Sorry I haven’t called you in almost a decade dude, I’ve been super busy.”

"If by 'super busy' you mean 'a bad friend' then yes, you have been 'super busy'".

I Refuse To Partake

It’s a sad but true reality that racism is still very much alive in America.  Well I say “fuck that!”  I refuse to support racism in even the most peripheral sense.  I even refuse to segregate my clothes in the laundry.  Needless to say, I have a lot of pink underwear.  

I Retract My Previous Statement...But Seriously, Can I Get That?

There are times when I’ll say something, and immediately after I say it I’ll be like, “Really?  Did I just say that?”  I mean, I’m not the manliest guy in the world by any stretch of the imagination,, but it’s a little bit concerning when I end a conversation with a woman I work with by saying, “You’ve got to give me that recipe!!!”

It Depends...

If you’re a guy, and you say the words, “Oh my God, he is so cute!”, you’re normal, creepy or just plain gay depending on the age of the person you’re talking about.  My research is reflected in the above graph:

*You'll notice at a certain age, above roughly 75 years old, it becomes increasingly more acceptable to say that a man is cute, because let's face it, there's definitely something endearing about a wicked old man in suspenders!

Apparently God Wasn't When He Made You!

I saw a woman with huge boobs wearing a t-shirt that said “minimalist”

You look bored to death!

If they did emotional stability evaluations, I think studies would find that a lot of cows are suicidal. 

THAT'S what you're talking about?

I was in a discount grocery store recently called Price Rite. I’m not trying to imply it’s ghetto, but let’s just say that it is. So here’s the scene. I’m rounding the corner of an aisle, when up ahead of me are two black dudes, one pushing a half full cart, the other, clad in a baseball hat and leather jacket. As they pass me, the gentleman in the leather jacket spots a display of cereal that apparently he enjoys. At this point he turns to his buddy and, as he grabs one of the boxes of cereal says, totally straight face and 100% serious,


“Yeah, let me get some of these Crunch Berries”

Then, as he puts the cereal in the cart, he looks at his friend, again 100% serious and goes,

“That’s what I’m talking ‘bout!”

Let me tell you something about this completely true story. I am unfortunately, the furthest thing from what one would consider to be “ghetto” or “gangster”, but I know one thing for sure. There is nothing gangster about children’s cereal.

Sir! Put Your Hands Down!

You know who I have absolutely no patience for?  People who still think it's OK to "raise the roof".

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I want to completely shave my head and buy a cheap toupee to wear.  Then I want to go to a junior high and give the students a lecture on how important it is to be yourself and not give in to peer pressure.

Mmm. Meatballs.

I like my women like I like my meatballs.  Slutty.

This Aisle Stinks!

*Clean-up in aisle three.  It smells like shit.

This lady gave me the dirtiest look in the grocery store the other day.  In her defense, I did fart right near her cart.

T.G.I.Th?

There are few things more pathetic than going to a T.G.I. Friday's for dinner by yourself on a Thursday night.

There Has To Be At Least One!

*He would probably look something like this.

All joking aside, I wonder if there's a guy out there named Ira Jewstein.

We'll Let You Know...

If you ever find yourself conducting a job interview and it's going really badly and you're certain you're not going to hire the applicant, try this to spice things up a little bit.  Right before you're finished with the interview ask the person, with a totally straight face, "have you ever killed anyone?", and when they say "no", with a slightly concerned look on your face and a subtle, disappointed grimmace say, "Hmm, interesting.  We'll let you know..."  I guarantee you this person will leave the interview super confused and hopeful that they don't get a job offer.

That's It? Just, "Jesus?"

I saw a guy wearing a sweatshirt that just said "JESUS".  That's it, just J-E-S-U-S in capital letters.  Not "Jesus Saves" or "Jesus is Lord" or "I Love Jesus", just "JESUS".  I mean, I'm all for faith and spirituality, but if you're gonna go as far as to promote it, tell us what you think, don't half-ass it.

"JESUS"

"Yeah?  I'm aware of him, what about him?"

The Question Is, Is This In Fact Legit?

I saw a guy driving a Cadillac with chromed out rims that had vanity plates that said “2Legit”.  At first I was like, “that is awesome!”  But I guess in reality it’s only partly awesome.  Getting to the point where you have the plates on your car is pretty sweet…one might actually say it’s “legit”.  But the more I thought about the process the guy must have gone through to get the vanity plates made; standing in line at the DMV, filling out the paperwork, paying for them, that’s actually kind of lame.  That’s not that “legit”.  And if it is legit, it certainly isn’t “2Legit”, it’s maybe like "1/2Legit" or at the very most"1Legit".

IT'S STILL PICKLES!

I don't really understand why people see the consumption of some foods socially acceptable only in certain forms.  If I'm on a bus eating a pickle, no one seems to care.  But God forbid I pull out a jar of relish and start eating it by the spoonful and all of a sudden I'm nuts...

Just The Way I Am!

*I don't need any silly surgery to make me feel beautiful!

I’m sick and tired of getting emails about breast implants! I think I’m beautiful just the way I am!

I'm Not Crazy...Or Am I?

*Your goal should be to appear to look roughly as nuts as this guy

(Note how unhappy the people next to him look, but the fact that they haven't moved! Perfect.)

If you're looking to get a reaction from someone and want to look nuts, get on some sort of public transportation, preferably a bus or a train, something that makes frequent stops. Cozy up next to a stranger, preferably one who is sitting down and looks like they are going to be there for at least a few stops, and make a relatively obscure remark, maybe about the weather or something in the news.

(It’s important that this comment is something that is odd, but not so crazy that they are going to move away from you.)

Once you have set the stage for this person that you more than likely don’t have all your marbles, plan on getting off at the next stop. But right before you get off, look right at the person and say, “I better put on a fresh pot of coffee. It’s gonna be a long night!”, and then just walk away.

That's Appropriate Attire...Sort Of.

*Acceptable on a sliding scale based on location

How insane you look, when wearing certain articles of clothing, really all comes down to location. If you’re riding a bike and wearing a bike helmet and spandex, you’re good to go. I can’t promise that you won’t get made fun of for wearing spandex, but you’re at least in the appropriate environment for the outfit. The thing is that once you take that bike out of the equation, you look nuts.


“Hey look at that guy walking around with spandex and a bike helmet on. Where’s his bike? What a freak!”

But let us explore further. Let us say that that individual is now fully clad in spandex, helmet perched carefully upon his head and he is back on his bike…ok, seems normal. But put that person inside a grocery store!

“Whoa, whoa whoa? What the fuck are you doing inside a grocery store with your bike, a helmet and spandex on?”


“What the hell is that guy doing with his bike in grocery store? What a weirdo, why doesn’t he leave it outside!”

But here’s the catch, let’s say that scenario does develop, and our theoretical biker is now inside a grocery store with his bike outside and still in full spandex and a bike helmet. Some people may not realize he even owns a bike. Maybe he’s just a gentleman who likes to wear clothes that keep everything securely where it’s supposed to be. Maybe he’s recently lost a few pounds and is proud and wants to flaunt it? Who knows? But to the common observer, the fact that this guy is in a grocery store without a bike, wearing spandex is probably one of the odder things they’ve seen that day…and we still haven’t been able to explain the helmet…

The MAN!

I was at a store the other day and this woman walked by me who was all worked up about something that had happened with an employee at the front of the store. She was with her daughter who was probably 7 or 8 years old. As they walked by me the little girl looked up at her mom and said “Mommy, are you mad at me?” to which the mother replied, “Oh no, sweetie, I’m mad at the man”. I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn’t believe it. You’re telling me that “THE MAN” who everyone is always complaining about, “The man’s trying to keep me down” and “Damn the man” etc. etc., works at Target?

Game Show!

I have two ideas for gameshows that I'm going to create and produce.  They both have the same format, similar to Jeopardy where there are three contestants and they compete to get the most points by the end of the show to win cash and prizes.  The questions however, are not general trivia, but are based on your ability to tell what someone is doing just by looking at their face.  The first show's format is that a picture of someone's face that is flashed up on a screen, and the contestants must buzz in to answer the question, which also just so happens to be the name of the show, which is..."Shitting or Lifting Weights?"

The second show is the same format, but instead of a picture of just a face, it is a picture of an old guy laying on a park bench...That show is called..."Dead or Napping?"

A Tip For You Gentlemen...

Here's a tip for you my dude friends.  If you're trying to pick up a girl, this is not a good pick up line...

"Hey baby, you're looking kinda skinny, how'd you like me to make you pregnant?!"

We Can All Seem Successful If We're Creative Enough!

*This is going to sound so great when she produces it onto a CD from her laptop!

I took a class a while back and at the beginning of the class the instructor said, “Welcome everyone. As an ice breaker I want to go around the room and have everyone tell us something interesting about themselves.” The introductions began pretty standard. Then this girl stood up and said, “I’m Amy and I’m a singer and a producer.”

Me (in my head) “No you’re not Amy”

Really Amy, what exactly makes you a singer and a producer? Because your friend heard you singing one time and was like, “Oh my God Amy, you’re soooo talented, you should like totally be on American Idol!” So you went home and recorded yourself singing on your computer and then burned, I mean “produced” a CD of yourself singing? I can almost guarantee based on the fact that you just bragged to a room full of strangers that you’re a producer, that you’re a pretty terrible singer. I can record myself farting into a microphone and then burn it. Am I a producer?!

You know it really bothers me when people do something mediocre and because they are so insecure, they inflate the title of what they do to make it sound more important. I mean, I can crap into a pan and call myself a “baker” but when I offer someone one of my “brownies”, I bet they say it tastes like shit.

It's Science

If you’re at a dinner party or a formal event, and you don’t know many people, and you’re not very confident in the topic of conversation, you have two choices. You can either sit idly by and occasionally nod in agreement, or you can do what I do. I like to join in the conversation and say things that I’ve made up that sound like they could be true, but while I’m talking I look around the table to gage how convincing I’m being. If even one person at the table begins to look pessimistic as to the origin of my facts, I just add, as a suffix to my statement, “studies show”. This is typically enough to dissuade the individual attempting to expose me as a fraud.  If all goes according to plan, you are now the most intelligent person at the table.

Could You Clarify? How Bad Are We Talking Exactly?

*I'll think I'll pass

I don’t like the way that people just blindly use terms that don’t really make any sense. “Not half bad” is a good example. When someone tells me that something is “not half bad”, I tend to be cautious.  Because even if something is 49% bad, I probably don't want it.  And God forbid I find out it's full bad!  That’s MUCH worse!

Well Aren't YOU Unique?!

It bother me when someone proclaims to hate something that no one likes to do, as if they’re special or something.

“Oh, I hate ironing!”

“Really? Because I love ironing! I love it so much that when I'm not doing it, I'm thinking about when the next time will be that I'll have the pleasure of ironing a big pile of wrinkly clothes.  The anticipation is almost too much!  I love being inconvenienced and forced into doing something I’m not good at only to have to do it and end up with sub par results! I LOVE it! I can’t believe you don’t like it. You must be very special! You’re definitely one of the most interesting people I’ve met in a long time.”

There are some people who don’t mind ironing, but given the choice of either ironing, or not ironing, I’m pretty certain that no one would voluntarily iron if they didn’t have to. No one has ever walked into a room with a big pile of wrinkled pants and been like, “SCORE!!! Ironing time for me bitches!!! No ironing for you, just for me!! Oh you want to iron? Well you can’t because I’m going to do all of it!”

Obviously!

I get very insulted when someone starts off a sentence with, “Obviously”.

Them: “Obviously the rib cage in humans is connected to the thoracic vertebrae of the spinal column.”

Me: “OK. You're not allowed to talk to me anymore."

Come to see me!

I’ve always thought that it would be really confusing if you lived in a town that was located next to a town called “Seeme”. Because whenever you were talking to your friends and family and said, “Hey, you should come to see me!” they would get really, really confused, think that you had moved and then end up in the wrong town.

*This is such a stupid joke, but for some reason I always laugh when I read it!

Step Aside Mom, This Is Between Me and the Kid

*This baby clearly wants a hug.

I was walking in the mall the other day and from a distance I saw a mom pushing a baby in a stroller, and the baby was wearing a bib that said “I love hugs”. And I thought, “how cute is that?!” So as I approached them I thought to myself, “who am I to deprive this child of something he so clearly loves?” So I picked up the little tyke and gave him an affectionate squeeze…and… his mom got SO pissed at me!!  She started screaming for the police and causing a big scene!  I know what you’re thinking, I was thinking the same thing, what a fucking bitch!

You Better Not Be Lying To Me!

I went to a department store the other day and I bought some wrinkle free pants because I can’t iron. They were a little more expensive than the pants I normally buy but if they are indeed wrinkle free as promised, they will be well worth the added expense. When I was paying for my new pants I asked the pimpled faced kid at the register if the pants were indeed wrinkle free. He assured me in a sarcastic way that, “that’s what the label says”. So I told him that if I ever found one wrinkle in those pants I was going to come back to that store and strangle him with them.

Take That, You Just Got JAPANNED!!!!

"Oh my God!, we're getting Japanned!!!!"

I wrote "JCPenney" in a word document one time and when I was running spell check, it suggested that perhaps I was attempting to write “Japanned”. What? Is that even a word? Is that what happened at Pearl Harbor or something?  Is getting “Japanned” like getting “Punk’d” only way, way worse where planes fly over you and drop bombs on your unsuspecting ships?  I don’t know, but either way I wasn’t trying to get involved with some historical reference, I was talking about the department store. Thanks for nothing Microsoft Word spell check!!!

A Tall Order of Responsibility!

Every once in a while I feel like complaining about my job.  But then I think about being a pet store manager.  I mean, every job has its pluses and minuses but at least I'll never have to worry about coming into work and having to deal with a bunch of dead bunnies.

Don't Even Bother Trying To Stop It...It's Gonna Happen

*Those camo shorts aren't going to save you pal...There's going to be piss on your feet soon!

If you're a man, and you recently drank a large coffee or a thimble of Mountain Dew, it's inevitable that you will eventually have to piss.  And later when that pissing becomes a necessity, if you direct that piss into a urinal and you happen to be wearing flip flops, it doesn't matter how you try to stand, or where you aim, some of that piss is going to end up on your feet.

It's Like A (Poorly Managed) Zoo In Here!

* These Zebras are totally chilled out.

Let's talk about the saying, "It's like a zoo in here!"  I don't know about that saying.  Because I've been to a few zoos in my day, and most of them that I've been to have been pretty mellow.  A Best Buy on the Friday after Thanksgiving, "Black Friday" (which I find somehow racist) is nothing like any of the zoos that I've been to.  If, however, there is a zoo somewhere in the world that is so out of control that it resembles a retail electronics chain selling HD plasma TV's for 50% off, maybe it's time to rethink the management structure at that zoo.  Because it's clearly being pretty poorly managed.

Oh Genny, you're dumb.

A buddy of mine was dating this girl a while ago who was stupid as shit. I say “was” because they don’t date any more, but I’m certain wherever she is today, she’s still a moron. I know what you may be thinking, “that’s not a nice thing to say about her”. But don’t worry, it’s ok to call her stupid, because she was a fucking bitch! For this story and the sake of her anonymity I’ll refer to her as Genny so as not to out her as a dumb-ass.

One day I was out with my buddy and Genny and a couple other female friends of ours and Genny started going on and on about her new phone to the other girls, about how much she loved it and how “cool” it was and how it was so much fun to use. It’s somewhat hard to explain the severity of how annoying it was in the written word, but imagine the biggest idiot you can, talking pretty much as loud as humanly possibly in a stereotypical Valley Girl voice. Genny’s going on and on like,

“Oh my God, I LOVE my new phone, it’s so cool and fun and I love texting with the touch screen keyboard! I can text like, ten times faster than I could with my old phone!” (Which made me feel bad for the people she was texting because it meant that she was able to annoy the shit out of them ten times faster than before.) So as we walked, Genny continued to go on and on about how she capital L.O.V.E.D. her new phone!

I decided that I would take my aggression our indirectly on Genny and see just how stupid she actually was in the meantime. A few days later when I was over at the same friend’s house, Genny came by. When she left the room to use the bathroom (most likely to take a giant dump) I grabbed Genny’s phone and added my phone number as one of her contacts. But instead of my name, I put in “Your New Phone” as the contact name. When Genny returned from the bathroom, I excused myself, pretending I had to make a phone call, and went to the next room positioning myself where I still had a view of Genny’s. From here, I texted her new phone.

“Dear Genny, I fucking hate you!” Which, on her phone’s screen read, “Dear Genny, I fucking hate you!” From: Your New Phone.

A few seconds later Genny saw the text. It took a few seconds to sink in that perhaps her phone wasn’t quite as fond of her as she was of it, and she began to cry. And I laughed and laughed and laughed.

It's "Garbage Man"...Deal With It!

I don’t really get the term “trash collector”. I guess it’s an attempt to class up the term “garbage man” kind of the same way we often now refer to a “janitor” as a “custodian”. I guess because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings? But guess what? A trash collector IS a garbage man. It’s not mean, it’s just more accurate. He’s a man who picks up garbage. Calling him a “collector” is just confusing and misleading. A collection is something to be coveted. A bill collector collects bills, or more accurately the money which is owed to pay bills. That’s something valuable. A stamp collector is interested in collecting stamps for their potential value and more often their historical significance, something of intrinsic value to them. But a “trash collector”? What is this guy doing, taking all the garbage home with him and organizing it with the other garbage?

“Ok, the diapers go here by the used coffee filters, and the dirty underwear goes over there next to the banana peels! Good now everything’s in order! What a great collection!”

I can’t imagine this monologue actually taking place. And if it does, I’m certain we’ve got a seriously mentally ill person on our hands and maybe we shouldn’t be trusting them with our garbage in the first place.

In Hindsight, Not Such a Great Idea...

*This might have helped

About 2 years ago I wrote a whimsical “How-To” book called Cooking Pasta in the Nude. About a week later I wrote a second book, First Aid for Scalded Genitals. It was more instructional and less light hearted than the first book. It was written 100% based on experience.

Wait...What?

I love intentionally confusing people.  I don't really know why.  I guess it's because the reaction is usually pretty priceless. For the most part a person goes through their whole day with a relative sense of normalcy. So when something odd happens, it often shakes up their day in a way that makes it somewhat memorable. This is my public service to the general population. Feel free to use this.

This scenario works best with someone you don’t know at a location where you’re not committed to staying for an extended period of time. Try a public bus stop for example. A lot of people read newspapers at bus stops, not because they’re interested in the news, but because they absolutely despise interaction with other human beings, and said human beings are somewhat reluctant to disturb a stranger who is busy. But not you! Go up to this person reading their newspaper and ask them what the article they are reading is about. Unless this person is a fucking asshole, they should at least be courteous enough to give you a one sentence synopsis. After this information is exchanged, this is where you confuse them with your puzzling response (to follow).

This response also works in an office environment, most successfully at a general gathering venue like the clichéd water cooler, or some other location where people tend to congregate for short periods of time and there is plenty of room for escape without explanation (this works in any office environment but is most effective in a large office setting where you don’t know everyone on a personal level). In this scenario, you walk into a conversation already in progress. As most conversations in office water cooler environments are usually about current events, you should be set up nicely. Politely interrupt and ask the alpha of the group what topic they are discussing. When you’re informed, this is where you say the sure to be confusing line, and walk away. In both of these different scenarios, the line is certain to perplex the targets. It might not register right away, but eventually they will more than likely be scratching their heads. This final line of your conversation, before inexplicably turning and calmly walking away is… “Oh yeah, I saw that on the radio the other day”.

When you don't need a job, but could enjoy a good laugh.

There area a lot of ways to appear crazy. Here’s one of those ways: Go in for a job interview. (it’s important to make sure this is a job that you don’t want, because if you carry out this little exercise, you’re definitely not going to get it). At the point in the interview where it reaches a relatively casual atmosphere, the interviewer may ask you something along the lines of, “what do you enjoy doing in your spare time?” At this cue, you should respond, “I really enjoy reading Russian poetry”, a relatively obscure and intellectual response, to which the interviewer may more than likely respond, “Really? What makes you enjoy Russian poetry?” to which you respond, “Who said I like Russian poetry?” At this point, you sit there looking at them with a sense of confusion, insinuating that they’re crazy. This chapter of the scenario may warranty one of two responses. First, security may be called and you will be escorted out. Second, you may actually be successful in convincing the interviewer that they’re out of their mind. At this point, you can get up and walk out, disgusted that this person who is clearly crazy has wasted a good portion of your afternoon.

Get over here Sergeant Pickles!!!

I think it’s funny to see a really old, really little lady, walking a very small, very misbehaving dog. Because the dog is always trying to go somewhere that it’s not allowed, while the lady is always telling it not to and yelling at it like it’s a person. And while all this is happening, you know that the lady is completely in a world of her own, a world where her dog understands her but just chooses not to. This is what is making her so mad, not so much the misbehavior, but the blatant disobedience. In the story I make up in my mind, the dog’s name is always something fancy, like Mr. Sprinkles or Sergeant Pickles. This just helps make the situation even more amusing.

Here's a Story To Tell...You're Welcome!

If you’re a guy and you want to give another guy a story to tell their friends and families at parties and other social events for the rest of their lives, do this. Get on a major highway and stop at a rest stop. Go into a stall, sit down and wait. Keep in mind this must be done during the summertime. Before too long, another dude will come and sit in the stall right next to you. (Don’t choose an end stall, this cuts your chances of neighborhood in half.) When the gentleman sits, there is a 50% chance he will be wearing flip flops, sandals, or some form of open-toed footwear. Now’s your chance to make a lasting impression on his life. Lick your fingers and gently rub his toes. For added creepy effect, in your most seductive voice whisper loud enough for him to hear, “Nice”.  You'll want to make sure your stall door is locked.  There's a pretty good chance that the guy will try to kick your ass...

Want To See My Studio?

I was at a party recently and saw this really hot girl. We started chatting and I mentioned that I lived nearby in a studio apartment. She was like, “Oh my God, a studio?! Are you like, a musician or something?” I responded, “You’re not all that intelligent. I like you. Yes, I’m a musician, let’s get out of here.”

Delivery!

Male porn stars are really just like boner delivery men. For the most part, they walk into a room and are like, “did anyone order a boner? Oh you did? Well here it is!”

I Respect Your Work...Now Take Off Your Pants

I have a lot of respect for actors in the pornography industry because they don’t seem to have egos like traditional actors. I mean, Tom Cruise is a legitimate movie star, but every actor who plays a role in a movie isn’t considered a “star”. In the traditional movie business, there are tiers of stardom, "Lists", "A-List" "B-List" and so on; a hierarchy if you will.  But in adult film, they’re all pornSTARS, all equals, all just there to F the S out of each other. Now how can you possibly have an ego when you’re getting F’d in the A all day?

Why Does This Still Taste Like This?

People have walked on the moon.  Some people don't think that's true.  But let's face it.  Even if no one has ever walked on the moon, someone somewhere is smart enough to have been able to trick the majority of the world's population that someone has.  The MOON! That’s really far away. My brain can’t even fathom the level of intelligence one must have in order to figure out how to build a ship that can shoot up into the sky and drop a dude off on the moon. So that means that there are infinitely smart people on our earth. So with all that intelligence, you’re telling me we can’t figure out a way to make broccoli taste like a cheeseburger?  Really?!  Come on!