That's Just Gay.

*This particular gem would be more accurate if an "M" was substituted in for the "T"

Here is a list of some seriously gay things in descending order of gayness:

1) Having vanity license plates
2) Hardcore Dude on Dude action

I Want To Return Something...It's In My Stomach...But I Have The Receipt!

I just don't understand keeping a receipt unless it's for a large purchase or something that you're pretty sure you're going to have to return.  The other day I went to Subway with my dad for lunch.  He paid.  He got his receipt and looked at it because that's what you do when you don't trust anyone working behind a counter.  After we were finished eating our sandwiches he picked up the receipt which was sitting on the table and, to my surprise, put it in his wallet!  We already ate the sandwiches!  What the hell are you going to do with the receipt?!

That's Not Humorous

There's a point in every man's life where he becomes so old that he begins to think that things are funny when they are not.  Based on my experiences that age is whatever age my dad is. 

Directions: Purchase, Take Home, Throw Away.

When you think about it, Liquid Plumber is a pretty unique product.  It's really the only product that you buy at the store and throw away without really using it first.  Food is useful because you eat it.  Toilet paper and tissues are usually thrown out relatively shortly after purchasing but there is a stop at the ass and nose respectively prior to it's disposal.  But Liquid Plumber Drain Cleaner is just trash in a bottle when you think about it.  You buy it at the store, take it home, and dump it directly down the drain.  What a waste!

"I Want a Snack"

Kids are great.  Not for the traditional reasons you hear most people talking about, they're cute, they're innocent, they lack inhibition.  No.  Kids are great because they need you.  They make you feel important.  That's right.  An adult can get mad at you, I mean furious, and say something like, "That's it, that's the last straw, I'm never talking to you again, ever!" and mean it.  An adult could say that to you and leave and walk out of your life forever.  Forever!  You could never see that person again.  But a child could get absolutely furious.  They could throw a fall-down fit, cry and scream to no end and declare that they will never talk to you again, ever!  But a child needs you.  That's the great part about kids.  A kid will get furious with you and say something like, "NO!  Don't talk to me I'm mad.  I'm never talking to you again!" and run and hide away in the corner.  But inevitably at some point, maybe ten minutes, maybe an hour later, they'll come to you with dried tears on their face and say..."Can I have a snack?"  YES!  You've won the battle.  Why?  Because kids may get mad at you, but they're small and can't reach things up high.  They need you!

And Come Alone!

When there's a movie with a kidnapping or some sort of hostage situation, and there is a meeting or as they call it in the business, a "drop", the bad guy almost always says, "...and come alone, no cops!"  When you're watching a movie and this line comes up, and it will, be prepared for the fact that there most certainly will be cops. 

Use Your Library Voice

If you're ever wondering if you're a nerd, just ask yourself, "have I been in the library lately at noon on a weekday?"  If you're still not sure, go ahead and ask yourself, "have I been the only person in a library at noon on a weekday except for an all-woman's book club with a mean age of roughly 97 years?"  Well at this point you should realize that you are in fact a nerd.  This was a recent scenario which I was the star of.  Therefore, I am a nerd.  But I don't regret it.  You know why?  Because today I was in a small public library, all alone, just me and the librarian, when suddenly one after another, old women began to come in and congregate in an area where they proceded to hold their book club meeting.  Sounds innocent enough right?  "Why Tim", you may then ask "was this such a great day?"  Because my friend, at one point during the discussion which I was only vaguely listening to, a little white haired lady said the word, "Penis".  You can probably imagine my reaction.  It was kind of similar to the reaction you would have if you were looking straight ahead and someone blew an airhorn ten feet to your right.  The best part about the "penis" comment, whatever context it was in, was that none of the other ancient ladies seemed to think it the least bit odd... or humorous for that matter!  They just went right on doing what they were doing.  But let me set the record straight once and for all.  If you don't think that an old white haired lady saying "penis" in a library is hilarious, with all do respect, you are WRONG!

I'd Rather Be Golfing

I saw a guy the other day driving a car with a bumper sticker that said "I'd Rather Be Golfing".  That's cool.  I guess that guy really likes to golf.  So much so that he bought a bumper sticker to pledge his allegiance.  This guy probably likes golfing a lot but is realistic, in his mind, about the fact that he has to participate in the general activities of socety like work and eating and sleep and possibly raising a family.  He more than likely knows that he can't golf all the time.  But that got me thinking, what if someone had that bumper sticker and was dead serious about it.  Like every time he was doing anything but golfing he was fucking PISSED!  Imagine how crazy it would be if every moment of this guy's life that he wasn't golfing, he was absolutely inconsolably furious. 

"Hey John, guess what, I got front row tickets to Pearl Jam tonight for free!  You in?"

"Fuck that, I'm going golfing."

"But it'll be dark outside."

"Shut your face!"
__________________________

"Hey buddy, I heard you and Beth had a baby, congratulations, how's Fatherhood treating you so far?"

"It fucking sucks!  I'm inside changing diapers and feeding that little bastard when I could be working on my short game!"

Nice to meet you. Please don't kill me.

College is awkward.  I think the most awkward part is that fact that when you meet your freshman roommate for the first time, you know you're going to sleep ten feet away from that person that night.  So I guess with all it's benefits, academic and otherwise, college starts off with a lesson in trust.  Because when you meet this total stranger on day one, and fall asleep later that night, it could be weird.  After all, you're sleeping just feet away from a person of the same sex whom you've just met.  But who in the world is this person?  He could be anyone.  So maybe just to cover all your bases, before you go to bed, you should make sure that they're not a killer.

You:  Alright man, good night.

Potential Murderer:  Goodnight.

You:  I'll see you in the morning.

Potential Murderer:  Sure.

You:  I will see you in the morning right.  I mean, I'm going to wake up?

Potential Murderer: What?

You:  I mean you're not going to kill me in my sleep or anything are you?

Potential Murderer:  No. 

You:  OK.  Goodnight then.  Remember, don't kill me OK?

"HEY LOOK AT ME!"

I like Tic Tacs.  I'm pro-fresh breath but can't we as a society figure out a way to make a mint that's a little quieter?  I mean seriously, for a 1 1/2 calorie breathmint they sure are loud as shit in your pocket!  Let's figure it out scientists.  I want to have fresh breath but could do without all the attention it draws.  I mean we went to the moon right, how hard can it be to make a quiet mint?

Maybe not everything...

I bet that the first person who said, "everything happens for a reason" had never bit their tongue.

Close Call

Everyone, and I mean EVERYone in the world has had a situation arise where they have thought, or perhaps even said aloud, "Oh, no, I think I'm going to shit my pants!"  In fact, society is broken down into two groups of people...

 1.  Those who, at some point in their lives will admit to having had at least a close call with shitting their pants. and

 2. Liars.

It's true.  At some point in everyone's life you find yourself in a predicament, typically after a large meal or indulging in too much coffee, when you realize that a shit is on the horizon and there is no comfort station in the vacinity.  When it happens to me, and I'm not insinuating that it happens all that often, it happens when I'm in the car.  The odd part about my experiences is that more often than not, it's not a matter of a lack of available restrooms at any given time, but moreso my stubborness and overconfidence when I am near a public restroom but not far from home to think, "I can hold it".  This misanalysis of the severity of the "craptuation" (this is a word I made up in which there is a situation {typically dire} where the primary focus is on having to crap) typically results in...
                                    
A. A lot of sweating
B. Talking to yourself in encouraging phrases like "come on you can hold it"  OR
C. Disbelieving phrases joined with expletives such as "I can't fucking believe I'm going to shit my pants!!!"
D. Some sort of awkward walk into your house or whatever island of relief you've found in order to end this nightmare.  In which case you sit on the toilet with your head in your hands for an extended period of time thanking religious figures you don't even typically believe in.

   The walk once you've gotten out of your car is a bittersweet moment.  In this process you always have mixed feelings.  At this point, you've made it to your hopeful destination where there is a vacant bathroom, few other human beings around and plenty of toilet paper.  The problem with the walk is that it is incredibly difficult to take long, confident strides when there is the risk that an overextension of one leg in an attempt at quickness may result in a dump in your pants.  That is the functional issue.  The embarrassing issue lies in the fact that there are always, always an unusally large number of people around in this scenario, or at least so it seems to your paranoid mind.  If your refuge happens to be a gas station there's always some sort of sale going on like FREE GAS IF YOU BUY A PACK OF GUM which encourages everyone within a 50 mile radius to not only be at that gas station, but come inside to witness your ass-clenching walk of shame.  If you happen to be home on the other hand, you can be sure that there will be less witnesses, but even so, there are still an unusual amount of people around.  For whatever reason, these emergencies always seem to happen when there's a mysterious parade on your street at 2pm on a Thursday and all your neighbors are sitting out in lawn chairs. 

When it's over you always realize that it was a situation that should have been avoided.  After all, you're an adult and even almost shitting your pants is pretty unacceptable in society.  So it's decided.  You, an adult, will most certainly never let such an embarrassing predicament spoil your day, and potentially your image, again.  But let's be realistic.  On some day, somewhere, while you're filling up your car with gas just a few miles from home at a station with a properly functioning toilet, you'll look at the gas station, look at your car, get in and close the door and think to yourself hopefully and confidently..."I can hold it".  Oh how we fail to learn from our past mistakes.  If and more likely, when, this scenario takes place, I wish you a heartfelt 'good luck' my friend.  You're probably going to need it!!

Really?

I saw a sign recently along a road within shouting distance to a neighborhood that read,  "Now Entering Town Parks Area- NO HUNTING".  Is this sign really necessary?  It doesn't speak all that much for the intelligence and common sense of the general population.  Let's say some hilbilly is walking around with his rifle in a populated area during the middle of the day, or God forbid, in the dark.  Are you telling me that if this sign wasn't there, this guy would think it was OK to just start hunting?  Like if the sign wasn't present, he'd look at his buddy and be like, "Hey Larry, you think it's OK for me to take a shot over there by that jungle gym?"  How embarrassing for the human race!

Meeting in the Middle

You have to shoot big to score.  That's a little life lesson.  That one is free... you're welcome.  But it's true.  To avoid being disappointed, as a general rule, you have to think big.  If I ask a girl out on a date, in a certain way it comes down to a psychological game.  You have to shoot high and then come to a compromise somewhere in the middle.  When I ask a girl out, I like to ask her out for an entire month at a time and then play it from there. 

ME:  "Hey, what are you doing every single night in June?"

GIRL:  "What?"

ME:  "OK, we'll just start with going out Friday night!"

GIRL:  "Who are you and why are you in the ladies room?"

"What the F**K?!?!

I read an article recently about organ transplantation because I'm very smart and I know how to read.  It got me thinking, what if someday organ harvesting and cloning becomes so simple and widely accepted that people are able to just have elective organ replacement surgery at their request.  This was a very interesting thought.  I began to think, "if I were able to have organ replacement surgery, what would I want to have replaced?"  I thought about my brain.  Maybe if I got a new brain I could potentially have all sorts of new skills and interesting facts that I would know.  Maybe I would be a brilliant doctor or know how to play the piano like a professional.  Wow, think of all the amazing new experiences that new brain would introduce into my life.  But I think if it really came down to it and I could have any elective transplant surgery I wanted, I would get a black penis.  Not for the probable increase in size, although that would be nice, but just to see the look on a girl's face the moment she saw my black penis contrasting with my pale white thighs!  "HOLY SHIT!!"  I would guess the reaction would be something of that nature.  Priceless.

You Don't Even Know What You Like!

I'm a little bit insulted by the displays of sale items when you walk in to the grocery store.  It's like the store manager is saying, "Hey, you're not very smart, just go ahead and buy some of these".  Who does that guy think he is telling me what to buy?  But I got him back because I farted in the frozen food section.

"I Kind of Like You Bill"

I was in the grocery store today and this lady walked up to the bakery counter, picked up a premade cake from the cooler, put it on the counter and said to the woman working in the bakery, "Can you just write 'Happy Birthday Bill' on this really quick?".  And I thought, "Wow, that lady must not really care all that much for Bill".  Why not just level with Bill and put on it something like, "Some of Us Think You're OK, Bill".

So Smart

I recently watched a History Channel documentary on the KKK.  Boy they sure do hate minorities a lot!  They basically hate anyone who isn't like them.  They hate so much that they spend all day long just hating.  But the day is long.  Twenty-four hours to be exact.  I'm not one to tell other people how to live their lives.  God knows I'm not perfect.  All I'm saying is, in a 24 hour day, maybe these guys should spend a few hours here and there learning to read and write.  They've got the K part down.  They can write that just fine.  Only 25 letters left to go.  You're on your way!

A What with the What?

I recently saw an online advertisement for jobs working with the New York State Department of Unemployment, and I was like, "Huh?"

Delicious Balls!

If you're invited over to someone's house for dinner, and they serve meatballs, and the opportunity arises to complement the host, you shouldn't try to leave out the word "meat" as an attempt at brevity.

...esaurus

I was looking in the library the other day for this book that has words in it that mean the same thing as other words.  I couldn't think of the word for it though so I just got a book about dinosaurs.  I felt like I was so close.

The Best Part?

Folgers coffee company has commercials with a catchy jingle at the end that says, "The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup".  I mean don't get me wrong, I like coffee as much as the next guy.  As a matter of fact, I'm drinking some right now.  But the "best part"?  Coffee is pretty good, but if I got to vote, I'd say the best part of waking up is not being dead.  Maybe for reality sake they should change it to say, "A pretty good part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup".  It might not be as catchy, but at least it's realistically accurate!

Uh oh! Allergic?

It sucks when you find out that you're allergic to something you really like.  Just yesterday I was rubbing some lotion on my penis for about 10 minutes.  Then I realized that my penis was allergic to lotion because it threw up everywhere.  Oh well.

I Don't Like How This Shapes!

People living in the "First World" are spoiled as hell.  I don't know if they even use the term "First World" to describe the United States and most of Europe, or if there's such a term as "Second World".  I don't even know why they use the term "Third World Country".  I guess that's a whole other discussion.  But if there is such a term such as "First World" to describe privileged countries, then First World Countries are spoiled as shit!  There are millions of people in the world who struggle every day to sustain themselves with enough food to keep themselves and their families alive.  Alive!  Food as a necessity for life!  Can you imagine such a thing?  Then there are those of us in First World countries who are so spoiled by an overabundance and over-availability of food that we're not nearly happy enough with simple sustenance.  Not only can we pick and choose a food to fit our desires as far as taste, but we're so spoiled that we actually have shape options within the same food category so we don't get too bored with our delicious plentiful food.  Pasta is the most obvious example.  Are you kidding me with the pasta options that we have.  It's insane that people all over the world are starving, would literally cut off a limb at the opportunity to ravenously devour a bowl of spaghetti, yet we in our cozy homes in our First World countries are sitting there like,

"Spaghetti is so boring, let's have some bow tie pasta with clam sauce, mmmmm!"

Not only is bowtie pasta with clam sauce gay, it's a luxury that's taken for granted.  I guarantee you that when it really comes down to it, bowtie pasta tastes exactly like elbow macaroni.  Are we so spoiled and finicky that we need to eat food shaped like clothing accessories?  Shame on you for eating your bowtie pasta with clam sauce and washing it down with your white wine spritzer you First World bastard.  I hope you choke on your suspender shaped spaghetti and cufflink shaped meatballs!

Confusing as Kip!

 

I want to fall in love.  That's a gay thing to say, but I think deep down everyone does.  I really want to have kids too.  I want to have a son first.  Then I want to have another one.  I want to name my first son Kip.  I want to name my second son Kyp.  Not only is that a super gay name, but it would be confusing as hell for me.  I think it would be pretty funny. 

"Kip stop throwing that ball in the house!"
"Kyp stop hitting Kip!"
"Kip don't you hit Kyp either!"

I think the best part would be signing them up for stuff.  I'd look crazy. 

"Ok, before we sign you guys up for little league, I need to get a little bit of information."
"Very well."
"What is your son's name?"
"Kip"
"And what is your other son's name?"
"Kyp"

"Sorry" Isn't Gonna Cut It!

If someone calls you and they meant to call someone else they say, "sorry wrong number".  I say, fuck that.  I think the Federal Government should impose a law that if you call someone accidentally, no matter how innocent, you should have to pay that person ten dollars for their time and inconvenience.  That would make sense.  A conversation would go something like this:

Guy #1:  Hello?

Guy #2:  Oh sorry I have the wrong number.

Guy #1:  Oh that's OK.

Guy # 2:  What's your mailing address?

Guy # 1: 31 East Oak St.
               Jefferson Delaware 01820

Guy #2:  Perfect I'll send you $10 tomorrow.


Guy #1:  Yeah you will you son of a bitch!

THAT'S a DOLLAR?!?!?!?!?!

The dollar store is a funny place.  Not funny, "Ha Ha", more funny like, "what the hell am I doing in here?"  The dollar store is definitely a place where you can make some wise purchases and save some cash.  There are a handful of items in the store that are super bargains like paper towels and cleaning products, but there are definitely some others, we'll call them "the majority", that you want to steer clear of; like say, pregnancy tests.  That's right.  The dollar store, at least the dollar store I know has...pregnancy tests.  My question here is, why in the world would you ever even fathom buying a pregnancy test, a test which the outcome holds so much weight on the rest of your life, on an item which costs one dollar?  Don't get me wrong, I'm not rich.  But if I was a lady, and some dude potentially knocked me up, I think I'd check my couch cushions for a few extra nickles to buy a legit pregnancy test.  That's all I'm saying, because what happens nine months after that one hundred cent test gives you a negative sign and all of a sudden you're holding an infant and you're like, "what?!"

Here's another little interesting phenomenon about the dollar store.  When you're in the dollar store, no matter how often you patronize said business, if and when you run in to someone you know, you always act like it's the first time you've been in the store.  You at least act like you only go there as a last resort.  The winner in a scenario when two people who know each other as acquaintances bump in to one another in a discount store is the person who successfully convinces the other that they frequent the store less frequently.  But if there is one thing you'll take from this lecture, let me shed a light on you.  When two people run into one another in a dollar store, and both buy cans of pork 'n beans, go home and consume them, no one wins.  Unless of course you equate victory with projectile diarrhea.  Enough said.

It Went Away!

Every person, at some point in their life, has heard someone referring to a near bathroom experience use the phrase, "it went away".  It was popularized by small children in the early 80's but it's use is in no way limited to kids.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term or it's use, it's when you have to take a shit and then suddenly you don't have to go anymore.  It's not all that uncommon, and the phenomenon isn't always obvious.  But the confusing and uncomfortable part about this phenomenon is that we accept it as being normal.  So the question about this scenario remains.  It went away.  Understood.  But, "where did it go?"  It couldn't have just disappeared.  I'm not a doctor, but I don't think poop can be present in your intestine and then just disappear, can it?  What happens, does it revert back into food and retreat to your stomach?  So without a firm, proven answer, I guess we have to just blindly believe that it's still there somewhere, you just can't feel it anymore.  So instead of saying, "It went away", we should be more honest with ourselves and just say, "it's still in there, but it's just being shy".  "Don't be shy poop, it's not scary outside.  It's nice, and maybe getting some fresh air would be good for you, if you know what I mean".

Do You Take...Garbage?

I can handle a certain amount of slang.  There's some slang that I legitimately don't understand.  If someone tells me that they're "running the road on bare treads of chicken lint" I 100% don't know what that means.  No one does.  I just made it up.  But there's some slang terms I do know the meaning of.  The problem is, I just don't understand why the usage of them is that much easier than just saying what you really mean!  A lot of times, there's the potential for creating a lot of confusion.  If I'm working in a store and someone walks in and goes to buy something and asks, "do you take plastic?", I know that they're referring to a credit card.  The problem is, what if they're not?  The tough thing about misunderstanding is that it can potentially go both ways.  If I say "yes, we do take plastic" and this person is from some weird foreign country I've never heard of who's currency is little pieces of plastic, I've now made a promise I have to keep!  Now I've gone and sold these nudy mags to some guy from Uzbekistan for a handful of worthless pieces of garbage that just happen to be valuable in his country!  From now on we'll just resort to speaking in literal terms.

"Do you take plastic?"

"No. We only take money!"

Poke?

I find it odd and confusing that on Facebook, you have to be friends with someone in order to view their pictures, but you can just go around "poking" anyone you want.  I think I'd rather have someone I don't know creepily looking at my pictures without my knowledge or consent, than having someone I don't know "poke" me and be aware of it. 

The Mystery

I used to live with a girl.  We shared a bathroom, and the toilet seat would always mysteriously be up.  She wasn't around that often so I thought that maybe she just didn't use the bathroom that much, but after I thought about it a little longer,  I figured it was probably just that she had a penis.

Can't Talk Now

Urinals have the potential to be a little creepy.  Some urinals have dividers between them that block a dude from package-viewing his neighbor.  I have no problem with that divider.  I actually really appreciate it.  But I really hate it when you're taking a piss and someone tries to have a little conversation with you.  "Come on man, I have my weiner in my hand, why can't we talk some other time!"  Ideally I would prefer a full floor to ceiling partition, but I think if I really had to choose one or the other, I would rather have my nether-regions completely exposed and have my face blocked from the other person, taking away the potential for an awkward little chat.

Learning the Hard Way

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Cats Can't be Trusted

You know who I don't trust.  Cats.  Which makes me not trust cat people.  It's not that I don't want to trust cat people, I do.  I just can't .  Getting back to the origin, cats are sneaky.  They spend all day sneaking around, looking for something, but no one is quite sure what.  I always just assume they're looking for a mouse or a ball of string, but the more I observe cats I start to think that they're probably looking to steal my wallet.  I don't mean to stereotype, but every time something goes missing and a cat's around, that feline is my number one suspect.  My basic mentality as far as cats are concerned are that they're innocent until proven sneaky.  And since all cats are easily proven sneaky, they're all fucking guilty of something! 

The silver lining of my take on cats is that you can throw them.  That's their only saving grace.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't throw a cat off a building or into a wall or anything.  But most living things in the world you can't throw without some sort of negative outcome.  Cats on the other hand are acceptable to throw granted it's not off a cliff or into a pool of piranhas.  I think the general rule of throwing cats is that you can throw a cat into an open area up to 50 feet (depending on arm strength) and off anything up to 10 feet high.  We'll just go ahead and set that as the standard until something bad happens.  So I guess, disregarding their sneakiness, cats aren't all that bad.  They do have a pretty unique quality characteristic.  Cats.  The animal you can throw!

Aaaaaawkward!!!

One of the most awkard situations to be in, in my experience, is when you see someone you know while you're walking in to a grocery store.  I'm not talking about a really good friend.  I'm talking about an acquaintance who you don't know very well, but know well enough to make small talk with.  So here's the scenario.  You walk in to the grocery store and see the person.  You then begin to make small talk with that person for 3-5 minutes before finally saying those fateful words, "See you later".  But in the back of your mind, you know that you will spend the remainder of your time in the store trying to make sure you don't see that person later.  You will literally spend the rest of your time in the store trying to avoid that person.  You won't even bother buying the items you came to the store for.  You'll just walk around the store, pulling things off the shelf to buy while making sure you don't run into that person again.  Why?  Because you've already said goodbye.  That's why.

Gravedigger

I have a friend who's a stand-up comedian.  When we were out on the weekends people used to ask him what he did and he'd say, "I'm a comedian".  But he started to realize that when he told people he was a comedian they would always expect him to be funny.  So when people inquired about his occupation, he began telling them, "I'm a gravedigger".  That way, there was no pressure to be humorous, but when he did say something witty people would be like, "Hey, that gravedigger is pretty funny!"

It's Funny Because It's True

A black guy saying “the river” sound a lot like a Chinese guy saying “deliver”

Such a Powerful Word to Sound so Effeminate!

I think the gayest word in the English language has to be ‘mandate’

Smart Shopper

I buy a lot of fruit.  And they charge you for fruit by the pound.  And I don’t have a lot of money.  So I peel my fruit in the store.

Quick Trip to the Market

I'm not trying judge, because I go grocery shopping myself.  But let's face it, grocery stores are just an enabler for lazy hunters and gatherers.  Your forefathers would be ashamed!

Smooth as a Baby's...

There are some common saying that I just refuse to participate in.


“Smooth as a baby’s behind” That’s one of them. I get it, I even agree that it’s probably accurate. But I don’t say it. You know why? Because I refuse to glorify child nudity. But at the same time, I don’t want to cut the babies out of the saying all together, because they deserve to be included. So what I say is… “Smooth as a baby’s Barry White record collection”

I don’t even care if you think that’s funny or not, because comedy is all about laughter, and the idea of a baby having a Barry White record collection cracks me up!

Golden? Yes. Delicious? Maybe.

I don’t like Golden Delicious apples. Because when I buy food I like the name to provide me with fact. Not opinion.


Apple: This apple is Golden.

Me: Cool

Apple: This apple is delicious

Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me decide how it tastes.  Maybe I won't like it!

Hairless Cats

You know what's creepier than hairless cats? Nothing.  Seriously, I can't think of one other thing in the world that would creep me out more than to walk in to a house and find it full of  hairless cats.  I can't stress enough how serious I am.  I would literally rather walk in to a house and find it full of blood thirsty vampires or goblins.  Hairless hats are pretty harmless.  But I would rather have all of my blood sucked out of my neck than have to look at and touch a hairless cat.  Oh my God, they're so gross.  Seriously, who buys a hairless cat as a pet?  And not just live with one, but have it sleep in your bed?  It would be like waking up and having a living scrotum laying in bed next to you moving around!  Who was the person who saw a hairless cat and thought, "Hey look, a pet!"  I would literally rather have a fucking skunk in my house.  What is wrong with people? Gross!

Sperm...Bank?

I don’t think sperm banks should be called ‘banks’. Sperm banks really lack bank characteristics. Aside from the fact that you can give them both something to hold on to, there are no real similarities. I mean I’ve never walked into a sperm bank and been like, “hey can I get some of my sperm back?” And I can’t go online and find out how much sperm I have left.  If I was sent a statement in the mail telling me about how if I give sperm to a sperm bank and I will receive 3.5% interest on the value of my sperm, I would be completely crept out.  And I'm almost positive I've never picked up a newspaper and read about how some masked gunman made off with 20 gallons of sperm in a daring sperm bank robbery.  I'm just saying, for accuracy sake and to avoid the potential for donor confusion, maybe we should just consider calling it a "sperm donation holding area".

Relation-Shit

I was in the liquor store the other day because I’m a manly man. I was standing next to the coolers trying to decide between the Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Zima, I overheard this couple deciding what they were going to get to drink. The guy was like, “what do you want to get?” and the girl was like, “Well what do you want?” and the guy fires back, “What does it matter, we’re gonna get whatever you want anyway!” and at that moment I was like, ‘God I want a girlfriend’.

So Critical!

As far as I’m concerned movie critic is the most bullshit profession in the world. Oh you watch movies and tell us what you think about them? That’s tough. I guess my buddy Floyd is a movie critic because he’s always telling me what he thinks about movies, even when I don’t ask him. But the difference between a friend telling you about a movie and a “professional” movie critic is that the critic will try to make you feel inferior by using words that nobody knows the meaning of. Like, why do 90% of movie reviews include the word ‘spellbinding’? You know why, because no one knows what the fuck that word means! I’m not even sure if that word is good or bad. I don’t even know if that word is a word!

Gaylord!

I'm not gay, but I've been called a gaylord before.  Being called a gaylord may be seen as insulting to a straight man, but look at it this way.  If you're the Lord of the Gays, you would certainly out-rank a normal heterosexual.  On a scale of power, this would be a huge upgrade!  And for a gay man, I think being called a gaylord is probably a super-complement!  So on a grand scale, being called a gaylord, regardless of the reasoning behind it, or your sexual orientation is actually quite a positive experience!

If a guy called another guy who he didn't know was gay a Gaylord, the conversation would probably be short, and it would probably go something like this.

Straight Guy: You're a Gaylord!

Gay Guy:  Thank you!

While typing this, I also realized that if you spell Gaylord wrong you can write Gaylrod...and that word is pretty gay too.

Presumptuous Appliances

If there's one thing I hate, it's the way my pee smells after I eat asparagus.  If there's two things I hate it's presumptuous appliances.  If I see a fat lady, I don't go up to her and say, "hey when's the baby due?"  Why?  Because I'm not an asshole!

The other day I was heating up some water in a mug in the microwave to make some instant coffee.  I sometimes drink instant coffee because I enjoy the finer things in life.  I heated the water up for 1 minute and 30 seconds.  When it was done, the microwave beeped and the digital screen read, "Your Food Is Ready".  That made me incredibly angry!  Why would this microwave just assume that I was heating up some food?  Am I so one dimensional that the only thing I use a microware for is for heating up food?  Screw that microwave!  Presuming son of a bitch!  I beat the shit out of it with a baseball bat to teach it a lesson, only to later realize that my delicious instant coffee was still inside, spilled everywhere.  When I was finished crying, I heated up some water on the stovetop and made another cup.  Thank goodness for that, otherwise my rage might have gotten the best of me, forcing me to generalize my anger and kick the shit out of every appliance in the house.  Thanks a lot microwave!  Maybe next time you shouldn't just go around assuming you know what's inside you, asshole!

Spandex

Spandex is sexy until you have to bend over.  Spandex has the kind of power that no other material possesses.  It can make a skinny person look fat and a fat person make me throw up a little bit in my mouth.  Then it's potentially intrusive and inappropriate.  And by intrustive I mean that it goes in places it's not supposed to go.  And by inappropriate, I mean, it goes in places it's not supposed to go.

I Just Don't Understand!

 I don't really get why any guy would hate a gay guy.  Gay guys are the best things that a heterosexual guy could ever hope for.  A gay guy is an odds increaser.  Let's look at it from a simple math perspective.  If there are 10 people in a room, five guys and five girls, and your goal is to attract one of the five girls to you, your odds are one in five.  Now let's pretend that one of those guys loves guys.  Your odds have suddenly improved.  There are still five girls but you now only have to compete with three other guys for those five.  So herein lies my inablity to understand why any guy would hate a gay guy.  This guy has just drastically improved your chances with any number of these girls.  On a global scale, the increase in odds can be mind-blowing!  This leads me to believe that any guy who is a gay basher isn't a hateful person at heart, he's simply terrible at math.