I Wish I Was Elsewhere

*What are you smiling about Whitney?  You made it worse!

When you're in a gym locker room and a 60 year old man walks in and sets up shop right next to you it's a little weird. When he proceeds to take off all of his clothes, it becomes even less appealing. But when he's standing there totally naked changing into his bathing suit and Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" comes on over the speakers, that's when it get's REALLY awkward!  Many of my posts are "What If's" and straight up lies.  This actually happened to me today.

Horse Lover

*THE TRUTH

Sometimes when I'm in the shower, I think of something I need to do.  So when I get out, sometimes I try to do that thing right away before I put my clothes on.  The only problem with this process is that there is a chance that in those moments careless unexpected tragedy could strike and I could die.  Then there would be questions.  Not so much questions of how I died or why, but why was I naked?  More than likely there would be some coincidental evidence of an animal's presence in my apartment, possibly some hair.  Don't worry how it got there. Then the media would report in a non-accusational manner that I may in some way have been involved in an underground bestiality ring when in reality the evening before I had had a romantic evening with a young lady, and hired a violinist to serenade us while we dined.  During the evening, the musician's passionate playing caused his bow to shred, leaving behind some horse hairs from said bow.  Then, with my family unable to prove the media incorrect, and no one to dispel the lies of my activities, my family, not wanting to lie, but in an attempt to maintain some dignity would have engraved on my tombstone:  "Our Beloved Son.  Apparently he loved animals".

Can You Hold This For Me?

I'm going to invent underwear with pockets.  Because I don't always wear pants, but I still need a place to put my stuff.

I Hope She Doesn't Crush Him!

There's nothing I like more than seeing a little scrawny redneck guy with a wicked fat redneck lady.  The guy is normally wearing old torn jeans and a dirty wife beater, although I question his ability to beat a woman with a 100 lb. weight advantage.  These sightings are most common at state fairs.  If and when you're treated to the privelage of such an event, take it all in because it's a special moment.  It's hilarious.  But sometimes, my mind wanders to the dark side and I imagine them having sex.  Then I throw up.  Then it's not quite as funny, but still pretty funny.

People Watching

One of my favorite pastimes is people watching. It’s so entertaining to sit on a bench on a crowded street or in a busy park and watch all different kinds of people from different backgrounds in their natural environment, when they aren’t aware they’re being watched and have released their inhibitions. Some people, however, quickly become aware of your presence and aren’t thrilled. That’s why, whenever I do some people watching, I bring a newspaper along. That way, when I’m staring at some guy on the street with a leather vest, cut-off jean shorts and a pony tail, and laughing and he says angrily, “what the fuck are you looking at?!” I can respond, “I’m just reading this newspaper, Garfield’s at it again! He sure does love lasagna”, and then run away.

Clean Out Your Desk!!!

If I’m ever fired in a hostile manner I hope to God that my boss yells at me, “Clean out your desk!” I will gladly clean out my desk. But I’m going to crap in the drawer.

Can I Have That Baby?

I want a baby by the time I’m 35. I’m not going to rush into a relationship with a girl though.  That's irresponsible.  So if I’m 35 and haven’t yet met “Miss Right”, hide your babies, because I’m going to steal one!

The Plan

I have a plan.  It goes like this. 

I want to go into a Walmart and buy a $50 gift card. I’ll most likely pay for it with travelers checks because I think travelers checks are stupid. Then I want to go out to my car and apply a fake, but very realistic looking mustache and go back in to the store with my recently purchased gift card and 40 nickels in my pocket. Then I want to go back to the same cashier that I purchased the gift card from just moments earlier and purchase a $52 gift card using my $50 gift card and my nickels. Then, as a final touch, I will return to my car, take off my fake mustache and eat an extremely messy and sticky brownie. Then I will return to the store, get a basket and fill it with approximately $52 worth of toothpaste, go to the same cashier and calmly pay for the toothpaste with my $52 gift card. This plan will be known as “Operation Confuse the Shit Out of the Walmart Cashier”.

I Need a New Car

If you drop your car keys in a porta-potty, just go ahead and plan on never driving that vehicle ever again.

That's Where I Draw the Line

I saw an American Heart Association billboard recently that said, “Please Give Generously”. The American Heart Association should be more clear in their advertising. Because I have no problem donating a few dollars to charity, but I’m not going to give you my heart. And I have a feeling that’s what they were getting at!

TODAY's News...

I think it’s condescending when you bring up a topic to someone and they say “that’s yesterday’s news!” Oh really? Because I just heard it, so I guess for me it’s today’s news, asshole!

Tell Her About It

If you see someone with something on their face, like a piece of food, or something stuck to their shoe, like an entire roll of toilet paper, it’s always awkward to tell them, especially if you don’t know them that well. But if you don’t say anything to them, you’re a dick. Because who knows when the next time they’ll look in the mirror?

A Terrible Way To Die

You know what’s absolutely terrifying? Being in a highway rest stop bathroom at 2AM, sitting down to take a shit, and hearing the sound of the door open and someone else walk in. I have never felt more rape prone in my life than at that moment.

Where Do I Look?

Sometimes you get into awkward social situations where you’re waiting for something with a stranger like in line at a bank or in an elevator. In these cases, you have to look somewhere, but more often than not there is nothing interesting to look at. Some people will try to read a brochure or appear to be interested in something on the floor or the ceiling in an attempt to seem occupied. Me? I just close my eyes.

That's Just Poor Marketing

Oldsmobile went defunct in 2004.  I can't believe they made it that long.  In 1897 when the company was founded, wasn't there at least one guy who noticed that the name OLDsmobile could be a potential marking hurdle down the road?  I mean who wants to buy a brand new car that has the word OLD right in the title of the make.  Doesn't inspire much confidence for the consumer.  I understand that the founder's last name was Olds, Ransom E. Olds, a name which leaves a lot of questions to be answered to be certain...Ransom?  But Oldsmobile?  I understand you want to have your name affliated with the company but there has to be a line drawn somewhere.  Out of business in 2004.  A pretty good run of over 100 years.  But I wonder if the Olds family ever lays in bed at night and thinks, "what if?"  What if our forefather just happened to be named Ransom E. Brandnew?  Would the company still be in business?  I guess we'll never know.

This Tastes Embarrassing

Have you ever been to a restaurant and seen something on the menu that looked delicious, but didn't order it because the name was so stupid that you didn't want to say it out loud?  I mean, I love appetizers as much as the next guy.  But I'm not going to say "Super Duper Sampler"

Hey, That's Mine!

I would love, absolutely LOVE it if someone tried to steal my identity.  I wake up every morning and pray to God that someone steals my identity.  People who steal identities should make sure to do some research on their prey.  Because if someone stole my identity right now, and spent two days doing it at let's say, ten hours a day, that would be twenty man hours.  Well let me tell you something Mr. Identity Thief.  If you venture out into those waters, you stand to make about $9 an hour.  I hope you're happy, because you just committed a crime to make the equivalent of a job that you could have found on Craiglist under "shitty jobs".  Fuck you, identity stealer! 

Serial Researcher

I don't like it when people blow things out of proportion.  I also don't like it when people over-react, which is just like blowing something out of proportion.  Like for about six months, I was doing some research on this girl I was interested in who I didn't know, but had seen at a bar and thought was cute.  So I followed her home at about 2AM one night to do some research on where she lived.  Then about three days a week for the next month or so I would research her from the bushes outside her house with binoculars, trying to research what she did with her spare time and researching what she liked to watch on TV.  About six weeks later I saw her again at the bar I originally saw her at and worked up the courage to talk to her, but guess what, I wasn't even nervous.  Because I had plenty to talk to her about because of all the valuable research I had done.  Time well spent.  So after talking to her for about ten minutes, she was like, "get the hell away from me you creepster", which was a total surprise to me considering I felt like I had prepared myself so well with all of my research.  So refusing to give up on her, because I knew love isn't easy and you can't hurry it, or so I'm told by Diana Ross, I decided to follow her around and show up to as many places as I could that she was at.  So one day I was doing some research on her at her job and all her co-workers were like, who's that guys in the corner with the clipboard and no pants, and I was like "I'm a researcher!  Don't talk about me like I'm not here.  Just because I'm hiding behind this bush doesn't mean I can't hear you!"  Jesus!  People are so insensitive.  They just don't understand research or have any respect for science.  Then a few months after I had met her I was stopped by a cop around dusk when I was waiting outside her apartment for her to get home so I could put some finishing touches on my research.  The cop told me that there was some sort of "restraint" on my research and that I had to stay 500 feet away from her when doing my research or I'd be arrested.  Unbelievable!  A guy can't even do a little research without getting hastled by the 5-0.  Bullshit.  Anyway, long story short, I finished my research.  Jail isn't as bad as they say it is, and it's a quiet place to write.

Secret-ary

I never really realized that in the word "secretary" is the word "secret".  Most likely because they are pronounced differently.  But in my case, it's appropriate.  Because if and when I get a job where I have a secretary, I'm not going to make her do work.  No filing, answering phones, emailing.  My secretary's job is going to be simple...I'm going to tell her all my secrets!  Method of secret transfer?  Email?  Fax? Phone call? Yelling?  Of course not!  Who the hell yells a secret?!?!  The only appropriate way to tell a secret...whisper.

That's Too Far

For generations the question has been asked in countless settings, "how far is too far?"  Well allow me to let you in on the answer to that question in at least one of the many settings.  If you're a man in a public restroom and you're approaching a urinal, I don't care how badly you have to piss, if you take your penis out of your pants as you're walking towards the urinal so far away that I'm able to see said penis...that's too far!

Tell Me About It

When I buy something, I like to tell people.  That way they know I'm fucking rich!  But being rich isn't good enough.  So when I tell them about it, I like to use the word "purchase".  That way they know that I'm smart too.  The exchange usually goes something like this:

ME:  "Hey loser, guess what, I just purchased a 1998 Pontiac Bonneville!"

SOME GUY: "Holy shit, that rich guy sure is smart!"

You're Not So Smart!

YOU keep left on High Street!!!

I started using a GPS on road trips.  Unfortunately this often leads me to get lost because I hate being told what to do. 

Outstanding!!!

I went to the bank the other day to close my account.  The teller said to me, "we can't close your account, you have one outstanding check".  I couldn't believe it.  I went home, pretty disappointed.  I know my other checks have potential, and if they just applied themselves a little, they could be outstanding too.

That's Just Gay.

*This particular gem would be more accurate if an "M" was substituted in for the "T"

Here is a list of some seriously gay things in descending order of gayness:

1) Having vanity license plates
2) Hardcore Dude on Dude action

I Want To Return Something...It's In My Stomach...But I Have The Receipt!

I just don't understand keeping a receipt unless it's for a large purchase or something that you're pretty sure you're going to have to return.  The other day I went to Subway with my dad for lunch.  He paid.  He got his receipt and looked at it because that's what you do when you don't trust anyone working behind a counter.  After we were finished eating our sandwiches he picked up the receipt which was sitting on the table and, to my surprise, put it in his wallet!  We already ate the sandwiches!  What the hell are you going to do with the receipt?!

That's Not Humorous

There's a point in every man's life where he becomes so old that he begins to think that things are funny when they are not.  Based on my experiences that age is whatever age my dad is. 

Directions: Purchase, Take Home, Throw Away.

When you think about it, Liquid Plumber is a pretty unique product.  It's really the only product that you buy at the store and throw away without really using it first.  Food is useful because you eat it.  Toilet paper and tissues are usually thrown out relatively shortly after purchasing but there is a stop at the ass and nose respectively prior to it's disposal.  But Liquid Plumber Drain Cleaner is just trash in a bottle when you think about it.  You buy it at the store, take it home, and dump it directly down the drain.  What a waste!

"I Want a Snack"

Kids are great.  Not for the traditional reasons you hear most people talking about, they're cute, they're innocent, they lack inhibition.  No.  Kids are great because they need you.  They make you feel important.  That's right.  An adult can get mad at you, I mean furious, and say something like, "That's it, that's the last straw, I'm never talking to you again, ever!" and mean it.  An adult could say that to you and leave and walk out of your life forever.  Forever!  You could never see that person again.  But a child could get absolutely furious.  They could throw a fall-down fit, cry and scream to no end and declare that they will never talk to you again, ever!  But a child needs you.  That's the great part about kids.  A kid will get furious with you and say something like, "NO!  Don't talk to me I'm mad.  I'm never talking to you again!" and run and hide away in the corner.  But inevitably at some point, maybe ten minutes, maybe an hour later, they'll come to you with dried tears on their face and say..."Can I have a snack?"  YES!  You've won the battle.  Why?  Because kids may get mad at you, but they're small and can't reach things up high.  They need you!

And Come Alone!

When there's a movie with a kidnapping or some sort of hostage situation, and there is a meeting or as they call it in the business, a "drop", the bad guy almost always says, "...and come alone, no cops!"  When you're watching a movie and this line comes up, and it will, be prepared for the fact that there most certainly will be cops. 

Use Your Library Voice

If you're ever wondering if you're a nerd, just ask yourself, "have I been in the library lately at noon on a weekday?"  If you're still not sure, go ahead and ask yourself, "have I been the only person in a library at noon on a weekday except for an all-woman's book club with a mean age of roughly 97 years?"  Well at this point you should realize that you are in fact a nerd.  This was a recent scenario which I was the star of.  Therefore, I am a nerd.  But I don't regret it.  You know why?  Because today I was in a small public library, all alone, just me and the librarian, when suddenly one after another, old women began to come in and congregate in an area where they proceded to hold their book club meeting.  Sounds innocent enough right?  "Why Tim", you may then ask "was this such a great day?"  Because my friend, at one point during the discussion which I was only vaguely listening to, a little white haired lady said the word, "Penis".  You can probably imagine my reaction.  It was kind of similar to the reaction you would have if you were looking straight ahead and someone blew an airhorn ten feet to your right.  The best part about the "penis" comment, whatever context it was in, was that none of the other ancient ladies seemed to think it the least bit odd... or humorous for that matter!  They just went right on doing what they were doing.  But let me set the record straight once and for all.  If you don't think that an old white haired lady saying "penis" in a library is hilarious, with all do respect, you are WRONG!

I'd Rather Be Golfing

I saw a guy the other day driving a car with a bumper sticker that said "I'd Rather Be Golfing".  That's cool.  I guess that guy really likes to golf.  So much so that he bought a bumper sticker to pledge his allegiance.  This guy probably likes golfing a lot but is realistic, in his mind, about the fact that he has to participate in the general activities of socety like work and eating and sleep and possibly raising a family.  He more than likely knows that he can't golf all the time.  But that got me thinking, what if someone had that bumper sticker and was dead serious about it.  Like every time he was doing anything but golfing he was fucking PISSED!  Imagine how crazy it would be if every moment of this guy's life that he wasn't golfing, he was absolutely inconsolably furious. 

"Hey John, guess what, I got front row tickets to Pearl Jam tonight for free!  You in?"

"Fuck that, I'm going golfing."

"But it'll be dark outside."

"Shut your face!"
__________________________

"Hey buddy, I heard you and Beth had a baby, congratulations, how's Fatherhood treating you so far?"

"It fucking sucks!  I'm inside changing diapers and feeding that little bastard when I could be working on my short game!"

Nice to meet you. Please don't kill me.

College is awkward.  I think the most awkward part is that fact that when you meet your freshman roommate for the first time, you know you're going to sleep ten feet away from that person that night.  So I guess with all it's benefits, academic and otherwise, college starts off with a lesson in trust.  Because when you meet this total stranger on day one, and fall asleep later that night, it could be weird.  After all, you're sleeping just feet away from a person of the same sex whom you've just met.  But who in the world is this person?  He could be anyone.  So maybe just to cover all your bases, before you go to bed, you should make sure that they're not a killer.

You:  Alright man, good night.

Potential Murderer:  Goodnight.

You:  I'll see you in the morning.

Potential Murderer:  Sure.

You:  I will see you in the morning right.  I mean, I'm going to wake up?

Potential Murderer: What?

You:  I mean you're not going to kill me in my sleep or anything are you?

Potential Murderer:  No. 

You:  OK.  Goodnight then.  Remember, don't kill me OK?

"HEY LOOK AT ME!"

I like Tic Tacs.  I'm pro-fresh breath but can't we as a society figure out a way to make a mint that's a little quieter?  I mean seriously, for a 1 1/2 calorie breathmint they sure are loud as shit in your pocket!  Let's figure it out scientists.  I want to have fresh breath but could do without all the attention it draws.  I mean we went to the moon right, how hard can it be to make a quiet mint?

Maybe not everything...

I bet that the first person who said, "everything happens for a reason" had never bit their tongue.

Close Call

Everyone, and I mean EVERYone in the world has had a situation arise where they have thought, or perhaps even said aloud, "Oh, no, I think I'm going to shit my pants!"  In fact, society is broken down into two groups of people...

 1.  Those who, at some point in their lives will admit to having had at least a close call with shitting their pants. and

 2. Liars.

It's true.  At some point in everyone's life you find yourself in a predicament, typically after a large meal or indulging in too much coffee, when you realize that a shit is on the horizon and there is no comfort station in the vacinity.  When it happens to me, and I'm not insinuating that it happens all that often, it happens when I'm in the car.  The odd part about my experiences is that more often than not, it's not a matter of a lack of available restrooms at any given time, but moreso my stubborness and overconfidence when I am near a public restroom but not far from home to think, "I can hold it".  This misanalysis of the severity of the "craptuation" (this is a word I made up in which there is a situation {typically dire} where the primary focus is on having to crap) typically results in...
                                    
A. A lot of sweating
B. Talking to yourself in encouraging phrases like "come on you can hold it"  OR
C. Disbelieving phrases joined with expletives such as "I can't fucking believe I'm going to shit my pants!!!"
D. Some sort of awkward walk into your house or whatever island of relief you've found in order to end this nightmare.  In which case you sit on the toilet with your head in your hands for an extended period of time thanking religious figures you don't even typically believe in.

   The walk once you've gotten out of your car is a bittersweet moment.  In this process you always have mixed feelings.  At this point, you've made it to your hopeful destination where there is a vacant bathroom, few other human beings around and plenty of toilet paper.  The problem with the walk is that it is incredibly difficult to take long, confident strides when there is the risk that an overextension of one leg in an attempt at quickness may result in a dump in your pants.  That is the functional issue.  The embarrassing issue lies in the fact that there are always, always an unusally large number of people around in this scenario, or at least so it seems to your paranoid mind.  If your refuge happens to be a gas station there's always some sort of sale going on like FREE GAS IF YOU BUY A PACK OF GUM which encourages everyone within a 50 mile radius to not only be at that gas station, but come inside to witness your ass-clenching walk of shame.  If you happen to be home on the other hand, you can be sure that there will be less witnesses, but even so, there are still an unusual amount of people around.  For whatever reason, these emergencies always seem to happen when there's a mysterious parade on your street at 2pm on a Thursday and all your neighbors are sitting out in lawn chairs. 

When it's over you always realize that it was a situation that should have been avoided.  After all, you're an adult and even almost shitting your pants is pretty unacceptable in society.  So it's decided.  You, an adult, will most certainly never let such an embarrassing predicament spoil your day, and potentially your image, again.  But let's be realistic.  On some day, somewhere, while you're filling up your car with gas just a few miles from home at a station with a properly functioning toilet, you'll look at the gas station, look at your car, get in and close the door and think to yourself hopefully and confidently..."I can hold it".  Oh how we fail to learn from our past mistakes.  If and more likely, when, this scenario takes place, I wish you a heartfelt 'good luck' my friend.  You're probably going to need it!!

Really?

I saw a sign recently along a road within shouting distance to a neighborhood that read,  "Now Entering Town Parks Area- NO HUNTING".  Is this sign really necessary?  It doesn't speak all that much for the intelligence and common sense of the general population.  Let's say some hilbilly is walking around with his rifle in a populated area during the middle of the day, or God forbid, in the dark.  Are you telling me that if this sign wasn't there, this guy would think it was OK to just start hunting?  Like if the sign wasn't present, he'd look at his buddy and be like, "Hey Larry, you think it's OK for me to take a shot over there by that jungle gym?"  How embarrassing for the human race!

Meeting in the Middle

You have to shoot big to score.  That's a little life lesson.  That one is free... you're welcome.  But it's true.  To avoid being disappointed, as a general rule, you have to think big.  If I ask a girl out on a date, in a certain way it comes down to a psychological game.  You have to shoot high and then come to a compromise somewhere in the middle.  When I ask a girl out, I like to ask her out for an entire month at a time and then play it from there. 

ME:  "Hey, what are you doing every single night in June?"

GIRL:  "What?"

ME:  "OK, we'll just start with going out Friday night!"

GIRL:  "Who are you and why are you in the ladies room?"

"What the F**K?!?!

I read an article recently about organ transplantation because I'm very smart and I know how to read.  It got me thinking, what if someday organ harvesting and cloning becomes so simple and widely accepted that people are able to just have elective organ replacement surgery at their request.  This was a very interesting thought.  I began to think, "if I were able to have organ replacement surgery, what would I want to have replaced?"  I thought about my brain.  Maybe if I got a new brain I could potentially have all sorts of new skills and interesting facts that I would know.  Maybe I would be a brilliant doctor or know how to play the piano like a professional.  Wow, think of all the amazing new experiences that new brain would introduce into my life.  But I think if it really came down to it and I could have any elective transplant surgery I wanted, I would get a black penis.  Not for the probable increase in size, although that would be nice, but just to see the look on a girl's face the moment she saw my black penis contrasting with my pale white thighs!  "HOLY SHIT!!"  I would guess the reaction would be something of that nature.  Priceless.

You Don't Even Know What You Like!

I'm a little bit insulted by the displays of sale items when you walk in to the grocery store.  It's like the store manager is saying, "Hey, you're not very smart, just go ahead and buy some of these".  Who does that guy think he is telling me what to buy?  But I got him back because I farted in the frozen food section.

"I Kind of Like You Bill"

I was in the grocery store today and this lady walked up to the bakery counter, picked up a premade cake from the cooler, put it on the counter and said to the woman working in the bakery, "Can you just write 'Happy Birthday Bill' on this really quick?".  And I thought, "Wow, that lady must not really care all that much for Bill".  Why not just level with Bill and put on it something like, "Some of Us Think You're OK, Bill".

So Smart

I recently watched a History Channel documentary on the KKK.  Boy they sure do hate minorities a lot!  They basically hate anyone who isn't like them.  They hate so much that they spend all day long just hating.  But the day is long.  Twenty-four hours to be exact.  I'm not one to tell other people how to live their lives.  God knows I'm not perfect.  All I'm saying is, in a 24 hour day, maybe these guys should spend a few hours here and there learning to read and write.  They've got the K part down.  They can write that just fine.  Only 25 letters left to go.  You're on your way!

A What with the What?

I recently saw an online advertisement for jobs working with the New York State Department of Unemployment, and I was like, "Huh?"

Delicious Balls!

If you're invited over to someone's house for dinner, and they serve meatballs, and the opportunity arises to complement the host, you shouldn't try to leave out the word "meat" as an attempt at brevity.

...esaurus

I was looking in the library the other day for this book that has words in it that mean the same thing as other words.  I couldn't think of the word for it though so I just got a book about dinosaurs.  I felt like I was so close.

The Best Part?

Folgers coffee company has commercials with a catchy jingle at the end that says, "The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup".  I mean don't get me wrong, I like coffee as much as the next guy.  As a matter of fact, I'm drinking some right now.  But the "best part"?  Coffee is pretty good, but if I got to vote, I'd say the best part of waking up is not being dead.  Maybe for reality sake they should change it to say, "A pretty good part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup".  It might not be as catchy, but at least it's realistically accurate!

Uh oh! Allergic?

It sucks when you find out that you're allergic to something you really like.  Just yesterday I was rubbing some lotion on my penis for about 10 minutes.  Then I realized that my penis was allergic to lotion because it threw up everywhere.  Oh well.

I Don't Like How This Shapes!

People living in the "First World" are spoiled as hell.  I don't know if they even use the term "First World" to describe the United States and most of Europe, or if there's such a term as "Second World".  I don't even know why they use the term "Third World Country".  I guess that's a whole other discussion.  But if there is such a term such as "First World" to describe privileged countries, then First World Countries are spoiled as shit!  There are millions of people in the world who struggle every day to sustain themselves with enough food to keep themselves and their families alive.  Alive!  Food as a necessity for life!  Can you imagine such a thing?  Then there are those of us in First World countries who are so spoiled by an overabundance and over-availability of food that we're not nearly happy enough with simple sustenance.  Not only can we pick and choose a food to fit our desires as far as taste, but we're so spoiled that we actually have shape options within the same food category so we don't get too bored with our delicious plentiful food.  Pasta is the most obvious example.  Are you kidding me with the pasta options that we have.  It's insane that people all over the world are starving, would literally cut off a limb at the opportunity to ravenously devour a bowl of spaghetti, yet we in our cozy homes in our First World countries are sitting there like,

"Spaghetti is so boring, let's have some bow tie pasta with clam sauce, mmmmm!"

Not only is bowtie pasta with clam sauce gay, it's a luxury that's taken for granted.  I guarantee you that when it really comes down to it, bowtie pasta tastes exactly like elbow macaroni.  Are we so spoiled and finicky that we need to eat food shaped like clothing accessories?  Shame on you for eating your bowtie pasta with clam sauce and washing it down with your white wine spritzer you First World bastard.  I hope you choke on your suspender shaped spaghetti and cufflink shaped meatballs!

Confusing as Kip!

 

I want to fall in love.  That's a gay thing to say, but I think deep down everyone does.  I really want to have kids too.  I want to have a son first.  Then I want to have another one.  I want to name my first son Kip.  I want to name my second son Kyp.  Not only is that a super gay name, but it would be confusing as hell for me.  I think it would be pretty funny. 

"Kip stop throwing that ball in the house!"
"Kyp stop hitting Kip!"
"Kip don't you hit Kyp either!"

I think the best part would be signing them up for stuff.  I'd look crazy. 

"Ok, before we sign you guys up for little league, I need to get a little bit of information."
"Very well."
"What is your son's name?"
"Kip"
"And what is your other son's name?"
"Kyp"

"Sorry" Isn't Gonna Cut It!

If someone calls you and they meant to call someone else they say, "sorry wrong number".  I say, fuck that.  I think the Federal Government should impose a law that if you call someone accidentally, no matter how innocent, you should have to pay that person ten dollars for their time and inconvenience.  That would make sense.  A conversation would go something like this:

Guy #1:  Hello?

Guy #2:  Oh sorry I have the wrong number.

Guy #1:  Oh that's OK.

Guy # 2:  What's your mailing address?

Guy # 1: 31 East Oak St.
               Jefferson Delaware 01820

Guy #2:  Perfect I'll send you $10 tomorrow.


Guy #1:  Yeah you will you son of a bitch!

THAT'S a DOLLAR?!?!?!?!?!

The dollar store is a funny place.  Not funny, "Ha Ha", more funny like, "what the hell am I doing in here?"  The dollar store is definitely a place where you can make some wise purchases and save some cash.  There are a handful of items in the store that are super bargains like paper towels and cleaning products, but there are definitely some others, we'll call them "the majority", that you want to steer clear of; like say, pregnancy tests.  That's right.  The dollar store, at least the dollar store I know has...pregnancy tests.  My question here is, why in the world would you ever even fathom buying a pregnancy test, a test which the outcome holds so much weight on the rest of your life, on an item which costs one dollar?  Don't get me wrong, I'm not rich.  But if I was a lady, and some dude potentially knocked me up, I think I'd check my couch cushions for a few extra nickles to buy a legit pregnancy test.  That's all I'm saying, because what happens nine months after that one hundred cent test gives you a negative sign and all of a sudden you're holding an infant and you're like, "what?!"

Here's another little interesting phenomenon about the dollar store.  When you're in the dollar store, no matter how often you patronize said business, if and when you run in to someone you know, you always act like it's the first time you've been in the store.  You at least act like you only go there as a last resort.  The winner in a scenario when two people who know each other as acquaintances bump in to one another in a discount store is the person who successfully convinces the other that they frequent the store less frequently.  But if there is one thing you'll take from this lecture, let me shed a light on you.  When two people run into one another in a dollar store, and both buy cans of pork 'n beans, go home and consume them, no one wins.  Unless of course you equate victory with projectile diarrhea.  Enough said.